Self-care, Self-nurturing, and Narcissism Recovery

In working with clients in narcissism recovery, I use the terms self-care and self-nurturing often, to mean two very different (but overlapping) things. While self-care and self-nurturing are important to everyone, they’re especially important in narcissism recovery.

If you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits (especially if it’s your parent), chances are good you struggle with self-care. Self-nurturing may not even be on your radar! And that’s unfortunate, because self-care is essential to your health, and self-nurturing is essential for your happiness. If you need self-care and self-nurturing for your health and happiness, that means they’re essential for thriving—and that’s what you want, right?

So, let’s take a closer look at self-care, self-nurturing, why they’re important, and how you can get better at both of them!

What is Self-Care and Self-nurturing?

What is self-care and self-nurturing, and why are they important? Self-care includes the basics you need to live:

• Shelter

• Healthy food and healthy eating habits

• Adequate hydration

• Adequate quality sleep

• Daily physical activity

• Regular medical, dental, and mental health care

• Daily positive connection with other people

  
  

Self-nurturing goes in a different direction. Self-nurturing includes experiences and possessions you enjoy, like taking a bubble bath, spending time in nature, or your favorite comfy blanket. You don’t need to do or have these things to survive, but they’re the activities and items that make surviving enjoyable and worthwhile.

Self-care and self-nurturing can easily overlap. If you love to dance (self-nurturing), physical activity (self-care) can be both self-care and self-nurturing. You can decorate your home to make it pleasing to your senses (self-nurturing), so your shelter (self-care) is a nurturing environment, and so on.

In addition to self-care and self-nurturing, most of us also have to engage in a variety of tasks that don’t fall into either of these categories. Going to school, working, parenting, housecleaning, car maintenance, and many other tasks aren’t necessarily nurturing, but they’re what I call important tasks. While you don’t have to do these tasks in order to survive, these tasks allow you to survive the way you’d like to, and to transition from surviving to thriving.

Why Bother with Understanding Self-care, Self-nurturing, and Important Tasks?

Sometimes clients wonder why I spend time delineating self-care, self-nurturing, and important tasks. It seems like a lot of work! While it does take some time to look at your life through this lens, I think it’s helpful, because I see surviving as struggling to balance important tasks and self-care. In contrast, thriving looks like balancing important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing.

Many of my clients feel overwhelmed when they begin therapy, but find it hard to describe what it is about their lives that’s so overwhelming. As we heal the hurts of being in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, they have more emotional space to balance important tasks and self-care, and then begin creating a life of thriving.

But balancing important tasks and self-care doesn't happen on its own, and neither does a a thriving lifestyle. How you'll balance important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing to create a thriving lifestyle will be unique to you. So, clearly defining important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing makes it easier to describe what you have and what you want, see what you’re doing well, and see where you can make positive changes.

How Can You Get Better at Self-Care?

If you’re recovering from narcissistic abuse, just surviving—juggling important tasks and self-care—can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Reasonably enough, people tend to prioritize important tasks. Going to work is what allows you to pay for shelter, food, and so on. Housecleaning and car maintenance maintain your shelter and provide for transportation to work and the grocery store for food. If you're a parent, you need to prioritize your children's well-being, and if you're in a relationship, you need to prioritize your partner. It's a lot to juggle!

So, how can you make self-care easier? Whenever possible, look for ways to blend important tasks with self-care or self-nurturing. How you do this will be unique to you, but here are some ideas:

• Make a list, whiteboard, bubble map, etc. that shows you exactly what you consider to be your important tasks, self-care goals, and self-nurturing goals. It's okay if this takes you a while to accomplish--you'll be updating it regularly! Use it to see your expectations clearly, and visualize where things are balanced or unbalanced. It'll help you see what's going well, and what you'd like to change. It'll also help you plan more effectively, and help you dovetail important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing activities wherever you can.

• If you work or go to school outside the home, use your commute wisely. Do homework, read, draw, listen to music or a podcast, connect with others, plan your grocery list, etc.

• Enjoy water in a water bottle or pitcher and glass you love, decorate your home in a way that pleases you, make your bed into a sleeping sanctuary, eat your meals off plates you love, etc.

• Make physical activity enjoyable! Hike, bike ride, walk somewhere beautiful, listen to music you love, dance with your kids, take a martial arts class, garden, do yard work, etc.

• Appeal to your senses when you’re engaging in important tasks or self-care. Listen to your favorite music or podcast to clean the house or make dinner, burn incense while you menu plan, or do your homework outside in nature.

• Get the knowledge you need! There are countless memes about the challenges of making dinner every day. But knowing how to meal plan, create a cycle menu, grocery shop efficiently, and understanding the basics of cooking makes preparing healthy meals far easier—and more likely. It can cut down on trips to the store, too.

• Similarly, knowing why hydration is so important, how impactful sleep is to your overall health and happiness, the importance of healthy eating, and why physical activity matters can make it easier to prioritize them. The same is true of all self-care activities.

• Have reasonable expectations that allow you to create more balance. Do you really need to clean or work as much as you do? Or would you be better served by getting more rest, physical activity, or down time?

• Put timers on your phone and computer for apps that tempt you to doomscroll. You can use that time to engage in activites that truly nurture you (connecting with others, meditating, time in nature, engaging in hobbies, reading, etc.) instead of leaving you feeling more dissatisfied than you did when you started scrolling!

• Delegate and ask for help! Many adult children of narcissistic parents were parentified as children, and are fearful of asking their partner or children for help. Or, they may not know what’s normal and appropriate to expect of their partner or children. Start by telling your partner how you feel (make sure it's an actual feeling -- "I'm concerned about..." or "I'm exhausted in the evenings...") and then explain what you need. If you have kids, check with your child’s pediatrician about what's reasonable to expect from your child with regard to helping with household tasks. If you can afford it, consider hiring someone to help with home or car maintenance, cleaning, or child care.

  
  

How Can You Get Better at Self-Nurturing?

Managing important tasks and self-care is always a balancing act, so there’s no reason to wait until you’re a self-care expert to engage in self-nurturing. That said, self-nurturing is its own kind of balancing act. One of the challenges of self-nurturing is making sure that it doesn’t cross the line to indulgence. While it’s easy to define that line, it’s also easy to cross it!

So, what’s the difference between self-nurturing and indulgence? The focus of nurturing is enjoyment, without negative consequences. This is different from self-care, where the focus is taking good care of yourself, whether you enjoy it or not. And it’s different from indulgence, which brings you enjoyment, but there are negative consequences.

That said, the foundation of self-nurturing is being in emotional balance. If you’re going to notice and manage all of the important tasks, squeeze in self-care, and add in self-nurturing on top of that, you need to be at the top of your game, mentally and emotionally speaking. If your inner voice is harsh and critical, or if you have difficulty setting limits on your own behavior, you’re not likely to get far with following through.

Self-nurturing requires you to keep tuning in to how you feel and what you need, compare that to your goals and plans, and both make adjustments and provide yourself with emotional support throughout the day.

And, of course, you won’t do it perfectly. Part of self-nurturing is being able to notice when you’re getting (or have gone) off-track, then doing what you need to do to get back on track—in a caring, respectful way. Instead of berating yourself or letting yourself go, you find the third alternative thought, and act as your own caring parent to learn from what happened, then make changes that support the lifestyle you want to enjoy.

So, how can you get better at self-nurturing? Here are some tips:

• Notice your thoughts. Do you talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love? If not, what do you need to do to speak to yourself respectfully and kindly?

• Challenge your thoughts. Thoughts, like feelings, are information, not necessarily facts. Are your thoughts true? Are they helpful? Do your thoughts inspire, are they necessary, are they kind? If not, how can you change the way you think to make your mind a palace you’ll enjoy living in?

• Notice your feelings. Feelings are information, not facts, but feelings are critical information about how you feel and what you need. After all, your feelings will be your guide not only to self-care, but to what's nurturing to you, and what's not. What activities, colors, patterns, scents, sounds, textures, and tastes appeal to you? This information is your guidebook to what you find nurturing, and how you put it into play in your world will be unique to you.

• Take care of your feelings. When you're feeling sad, angry, scared, hurt, etc., do you bury your feelings, or indulge them? Or are you a caring parent to yourself? If you're burying or indulging your feelings, how can you talk to yourself in a way that's caring and respectful?

If you’re finding it challenging to be a caring parent to yourself, and balance important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in lifestyle management. You deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness, in which you successfully balance important tasks, self-care, and self-nurturing most of the time!

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