The Feelings Staircase: How to Get Unstuck from Big Emotions

(c) The Two Aces Illustrations used with permission

Do you feel stuck in anger, sadness, or fear? It’s surprisingly common. Many parents—not just parents with narcissistic traits—don’t know how to identify and regulate their feelings. If your parents didn’t know how, chances are good you might not know how, either.

Some people feel stuck in anger, sadness, or fear for a lifetime. That said, getting stuck in a feeling is unfortunate. We're not meant to get stuck in a feeling—we’re meant to move through these feelings.

Happily, while there’s no one right way to move through the feelings, the feeling staircase can help! What's the feelings stairstep? Imagine a stairstep with four steps. The top stairstep is anger. The second stairstep is sadness. The third step down is fear. At the bottom of the staircase is your circle of control.

If you feel stuck in anger, sadness, or fear often, chances are you’re sitting on one of the stairsteps. If you feel angry often, you might be sitting on the top stairstep. Maybe you’re afraid that if you allow yourself to feel sad, you’ll never stop crying. If you’re feeling depressed, you’re probably sitting on the sadness stairstep. While feeling sad isn’t fun, feeling anger or fear may seem even worse. If you feel anxious most of the time, you might be sitting on the fear stairstep.

Or, you might be going back and forth between two stairsteps. You may feel sad for a while, then step up to the anger stairstep. You may feel angry often, only occasionally allowing yourself to step down to sadness. You might be spending your time on the fear staircase, feeling anxious, and then run up the staircase to anger or sadness sometimes.

Whatever the case may be, getting stuck on the feelings staircase isn’t fun. Happily, the feelings stairstep can help! All you need are a few simple rules, and you can get yourself from one stairstep to the next.

For your safety, I want to make a few important points before we continue:

• The feelings stairstep isn’t designed to replace therapy. If you were raised to believe feeling angry is bad, you may need the help of a caring therapist to get you from sadness or fear to anger. If you learned that sadness or fear meant weakness, you may need to work with a therapist to overcome those beliefs before you can move off the anger stairstep.

• As with tapping, it's rare, but you can stairstep your way to trauma, so I encourage you to consider creating a Container or Safe Place and recall it before you begin.

If you’re ready to safely use the feelings stairstep to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings, there are a few rules for walking down the feelings stairstep:

1. Notice what’s happening in your mind and body. Connect with the thoughts and feelings.

2. Start your sentences with “I feel…” or “I am feeling…” You can talk out loud, type, or write it down—whatever’s most comfortable for you.

3. Keep your sentences as short as you can. Avoid long, run-on sentences. Talk about one thing at a time. When your sentences get long, you’re shifting from your feelings brain to your thinking brain.

4. Allow yourself to really feel your feelings. Cry, shout, use profanity if you need to!

5. After you’ve expressed your feelings, you’ll probably notice that you’re still feeling the emotion, but there are no more words. This is normal! Allow the feeling to rise. It’ll then fall, just like a wave rises and falls.

6. When the wave falls, you’ll notice that you shift into a different feeling on the stairstep. If you started with anger, you’ll probably shift into sadness, then into fear. If you started with sadness, you may shift into fear, but you may shift into anger. If you start with fear, you may shift into sadness, then into anger. If you move into anger from sadness or fear, you’ll probably go from anger, to sadness, to fear.

7. After feeling any feeling, you may notice that you shift into feeling numb. That’s usually a sign you’re not ready to feel the feelings on the next stairstep. You may want to come back to your feeling staircase later, consider talking to someone you trust about your feelings, or work with a therapist to help you.

8. After you’ve made your way from anger, to sadness, to fear, you’re ready to step into your circle of control. Here, you take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, or actions. Doing so allows you to see how you will move forward. Here are some prompts you can use to help you find the center of your circle of control:

I know that…

I have learned that…

In an ideal world, I…

I wish that I…

I regret that I…

Here’s an example of a feelings staircase. It’s shorter than most staircases, but it gives you an idea of how they go:

I’m so angry that my boss told me I was wrong when I was right!

I’m furious she thinks she can talk to me like that!

I’m beyond angry that I have to go back to work tomorrow and deal with her.

I feel angry…but I don’t have any words for it. I just feel angry.

I feel sad. I feel sad that my boss is so mean.

I feel sad that she doesn’t respect me.

I feel sad…wow, I am noticing that this sadness feels just like my childhood.

I feel sad my mother treated me the same way as my boss.

I am feeling sad, no words, just sad.

I’m afraid my boss was mean to me because I don’t deserve respect.

I’m feeling fear, but it’s fading.

I know my mom was mean to me because she wasn’t able to be loving. I know I love me, and I know I am lovable! I feel confident I can go into work and stay separate the next time my boss tells me I’m wrong when I know I’m right.

If the idea of walking the staircase feels overwhelming, if you notice you’re having difficulty getting from one stairstep to the next, or if you get stuck in numbness often, I encourage you to work with a therapist. Being able to walk freely up and down the feelings staircase is a significant part of a lifetime of health and happiness—and you deserve it!

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