Do You Love Yourself? A Primer on Self-Esteem and Self-Concept

what do you see when you look in the mirror?

You’ve probably heard the terms self-concept and self-esteem. But what do you think they really mean? If you search the internet, you’ll get a variety of definitions for these words. Obviously, that’s a source of confusion in itself.

Beyond that, I’ve observed that the definitions of these words are murky at best. What does it mean to say that self-concept is “how you think about yourself,” or that self-esteem is “how you feel about yourself”?

These definitions aren’t terribly helpful, either. What if you don’t like the way you think or feel about yourself? How do you change those thoughts and feelings?

I don’t like definitions that are unclear or unhelpful. If you feel the same way, and you want to learn to love yourself more, I’d like to share with you my enhanced definitions of self-concept and self-esteem. I’ve used my definitions with parents and clients (and in my own life!) for over 15 years, because they’re easy to explain, easy to understand, and in particular, easy to apply to everyday life.

Let’s start with defining self-concept as not just the way you think about yourself, but as the way you think about the things you have. “Things you have” includes your appearance, your personality, your successes and failures, your accomplishments and challenges, your possessions and your losses. Because you can use your personal power to influence your looks, behavior, and life, your self-concept also relates to how capable you think you are.

That said, all of the aspects of self-concept come and go. Your face and body will change as you age. Accidents, illnesses, and life events (like pregnancy and aging) will affect your appearance. There are people with similar personality traits to yours, and regardless of your personality traits, there are people whose personality traits are more desirable in some circumstances than yours. And you’ll experience failures, challenges, and losses as you move through the decades. We all do.  

There’s one thing about self-concept that unites them: They’re outside your circle of control, and they’re often outside your circle of influence. You don’t choose your appearance or your body type. You don’t get to choose your core personality traits. You can use your personal power to influence your life, but your successes, accomplishments, and possessions are also affected by factors outside your control or influence.

Importantly, all of the aspects of self-concept are conditional. They rely on looking a certain way, acting a certain way, getting certain things. And even if you get those things, you can’t ensure that you’ll keep them.

Fortunately, self-concept itself is in your circle of control—after all, it’s self-concept. You can decide how you want to think about these aspects of your life. But before you begin evaluating your self-concept, I encourage you to consider your self-esteem first. If you know anything about fame and fortune, you know that having a wealth of the things that make up self-concept—looks, talent, success, possessions—doesn't guarantee happy relationships with self or with others.

Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself—that is, loving yourself unconditionally for your unique life story. That doesn’t mean that you love everything that’s ever happened to you, or that you love everything you’ve ever said or done. It does mean that you love unconditionally the version of you who experienced your past events, and you unconditionally love the version of you who’s reading this post right now. It means you aren’t attached to someone else’s shame for what they did to you, and you’ve forgiven your past self for the mistakes you’ve made.

Importantly, self-esteem is embracing the truth that although there are people who look like you, have a similar personality to you, and have your successes, accomplishments, and possessions, you can choose to love yourself simply because no one in the world has your unique life story.

There’s one other aspect of self-esteem, in that it also relates to how lovable you think you are. If you love your unique life story, it won’t come to you as a surprise that others love you, too. If you don’t love yourself, you’re not likely to feel comfortable with others expressing love for you.   

Like self-concept, self-esteem is also in your circle of control. It’s self-esteem. Because of the way self-esteem and self-concept develop, it can be hard to believe that you’re capable enough, or that you’re unconditionally lovable.

That's because self-concept and self-esteem actually start out as other-concept and other-esteem. Think back to times in early childhood, when the people around you told you things about yourself that encouraged you to feel capable or lovable. There were also times when you were told things that left you feeling as though you couldn’t do anything right, or that you weren’t lovable for who you are. Children and teens use this information to form the foundation of their self-esteem and self-concept.

But whatever you've learned, you can choose to see yourself as capable and love yourself unconditionally. How you think and feel about yourself is squarely in your circle of control! Healthy self-esteem is grounded in taking good care of your physical and emotional needs. How’re you doing with noticing the way you treat your body? Do you talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your pet, or to a family member or friend? We’ll talk more about skills and tools that make it easier to learn to love yourself and see yourself as capable, but awareness is the first step!

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