How Understanding Your Moving Away Personality Can Help in Narcissism Recovery

We talked last week about the moving toward personality type, and how understanding this type can help you navigate narcissism recovery. Today we’re moving on to a deep dive into the personality type Dr. Karen Horney (pronounced hor-NIGH, not HOR-ny) described as moving away in her book Our Inner Conflicts.

Before we dive in, I want to review an update I’ve made to Horney’s theory. Horney described people as moving toward, moving away, or moving against. I’ve found that people are generally a mix of these types.

Personally, I’m a moving toward in my primary orientation, but I also have a moving away side as well. I’ve worked with clients who are a moving away in their primary orientation, and they also have a moving toward and/or a moving against side.

If you read through last week’s blog post and you’re confident you’re a moving toward, you’ll still find today’s post helpful. If you don't have a moving away personality, you definitely know someone who does! Understanding this personality type will help you understand their behavior and improve your relationships.

As mentioned, if you're a moving toward or a moving against in your primary orientation, you may have a moving away side to your personality. And whether you’re here because you know someone with narcissistic traits, or you’re concerned you have narcissistic traits, you’ll find exploring the moving away type helpful. Although moving away types don’t seek out relationships the way moving towards do, moving aways can find it equally as difficult to get out of unhealthy relationships as moving towards.

Finally, people who are moving against in their primary orientation can also have a moving away side. If you’re here because you’re working on being more empathetic, you may discover you need to work on being a healthy moving away next!

Identifying the Moving Away Type

If you’re a moving away, and you are (or have been) in a relationship with someone with unhealthy narcissistic traits, you may have aspects of personality that are moving toward or moving against. However, the primary way you think and act in relationships is moving away. Horney described several aspects of moving away behavior that make it easy for most people to determine whether this is their primary style.

As you’re reading, keep in mind that being a moving away runs on a spectrum, from unhealthy to average to healthy. Where you’re at on the spectrum is a reflection of your personality and your life experiences. You didn’t choose your personality type, and you didn’t have much control over your childhood experiences. If you’re here because you have a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are good your parent took full advantage of your moving away tendencies.

So, as you read, steer clear of self-judgment. If you discover where you’re at on the moving away spectrum isn’t as healthy as you’d like it to be, you can become a healthier version of your personality type!

That said, knowing where you’re at is the first step. If you have some moving away tendencies, many of these statements will resonate for you:

• You isolate from others, because you’d rather be alone than deal with people

• You overvalue independence, to the point of isolating yourself

• You’d rather go places and do things alone, so you don’t have to “share” the experience with others

• You don’t want to rely on others, so you limit relationships—the number of relationships, the closeness in relationships, etc.

• You don’t want to find anything too enjoyable (food, music, clothes, furnishings) because you don’t want to become too reliant on anything

• It’s easy for you to deny yourself things, because you don’t want to become too reliant on anything

• You go along with customs and traditions so you don’t rock the boat, but inwardly you prefer to do things your own way, so you don’t become reliant on how others do things

• You find it uncomfortable to connect with your own thoughts, feelings, and desires

• You ignore problems in your life, from small to serious, until the consequences force you to do something about them

• You ignore problems in relationships because it’s easier to just tolerate others’ behavior than it is to address it

• It’s hard for you to believe others could understand you, because of the way you think about things, or the way you feel about things, so you isolate from others

• You use “falling into the rabbit hole” of learning to avoid your thoughts and feelings

• You deliberately use daydreaming or dissociating to avoid your thoughts and feelings

• You deliberately push away uncomfortable thoughts or feelings to avoid them

• You create a unique, even eccentric, lifestyle or appearance, and you enjoy when others are put off by your eccentricity, or

• You neglect your appearance, and you enjoy when others are put off by it

In short, Horney observed that moving aways use an excessive focus on independence and detachment to create the illusion of safety. This is in stark contrast to the moving toward, who craves connection with others, and the moving against, whose focus is feeling powerful and in control.

When Moving Away Goes Too Far

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a desire for independence. And there are times when distancing is necessary and healthy. It’s only when moving away tendencies become chronic and overwhelming that they become problematic.

Because moving aways offer little resistance in relationships—preferring to ignore problems instead—they can easily find themselves in relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies. Like the moving toward personality, moving aways don’t like rocking the relationship boat.

And for some people with narcissistic traits, the moving away desire for independence and distance is ideal. The moving away is less likely to press the person with narcissistic traits for time, attention, togetherness, or other elements of relationship. If the moving away contributes prestige, title (husband/wife, mother/father), possessions, or money, that may be all the person with narcissistic traits wants and needs in the relationship.

That said, as is the case for any personality type, taking personality too far comes at the price of mental health and well-being. Because our minds and bodies are deeply and inextricably intertwined, that mental distress eventually shows up in the body. Moving aways are at just as much risk of ignoring feelings of anger, sadness, and worry as moving towards.

And the outcome is the same: pretending that you don’t need to be seen, heard, and appreciated in your relationships eventually evinces as poor eating habits, underexercising, headaches, muscle tension, jaw clenching, body aches, high blood pressure, heart disease, irritability, difficulty concentrating, memory issues, skin disorders, digestive issues, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, fatigue, getting sick easily, and so on.

Ignoring your body’s needs is a theme I see often in my online weight management class. Because moving aways tend to ignore their own thoughts and feelings, and don’t want to be reliant on things—like food—they can easily fall into the diet mentality. This is especially true if moving aways come from a traumatic childhood, where choosing to not eat might have been one of their few experiences of evincing childhood personal power.

But moving aways don’t need a diet mentality or a traumatic childhood to wreak havoc on their eating habits (and their health). Because they’re able to ignore their thoughts and feelings—including the feelings of hunger and fullness—moving aways can fall into the habit of skipping meals, or overeating, or alternating between the two. And because they don’t want to get too comfortable with anything enjoyable, undereating can become a way of life, leading to malnutrition.

Irrespective of how you got to where you are, abusing and neglecting your own body comes at a price. If you make ignoring your needs the way you evince your personal power, and you don’t take care of yourself, it will cost you your health, and eventually, your life!

The Healthy Moving Away

So, what does it look like to be a healthy moving away? Healthy moving aways are connected to their bodies and minds. They notice and respect their thoughts and feelings. They meet their needs, and they aren’t afraid to enjoy things they want. In fact, their healthy moving away personality makes it easy for them to enjoy wants without going overboard into indulgence. They know when and how to set limits with others, and they accept that how others think and feel is in the other person’s circle of control. They enjoy their time alone, but they seek and enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships with others.

If that sounds impossible to achieve, fear not! These suggestions will get you started on creating a healthy relationship with your moving away personality type:

• Accept that your tendency to distance doesn’t necessarily create safety. Sometimes distancing is a successful strategy. Once moving aways understand circle of control, accepting that how others think and feel is in their circle of control comes naturally to them! But using distancing to avoid dealing with issues in a relationship is rarely effective. Instead, you’ll need to…

• Notice how you distance from your own mind and body. Moving aways have a variety of ways to distract themselves from their thoughts and feelings. This includes daydreaming and dissociating, “falling into the rabbit hole” of the internet, and hyper-focusing on creating a unique, even eccentric, lifestyle and appearance. While everyone does these things to some degree, moving aways overuse these activities, so they don’t have to…

• Notice how your tendency to distance affects your life overall. Moving aways use distancing to ignore problems in their life, from the “Low Tire Pressure" warning in the car, to that homework assignment that sounds challenging, to the way your relationship with your person with narcissistic traits affects your thoughts and feelings. You'll benefit from learning how to…

• Notice when you’re ignoring or avoiding your thoughts and feelings. There’s an evolutionary advantage to being able to ignore thoughts and feelings. It’s an excellent survival strategy when you’re in a situation where there’s nothing you can do but endure. If you had a challenging childhood, your ability to endure got you to where you are today, and you can thank your personality for that! That said, ignoring and avoiding your own thoughts and feelings is a terrible strategy if you’re trying to thrive. So…

• Build your self-esteem and self-concept. How others feel about you is in their circle of control, but how you feel about is your circle of control! When you love yourself unconditionally, you’ll naturally want to notice your thoughts and feelings, and use that information to take care of your needs. You’ll also be able to see yourself as capable, and follow through on getting things done. That brings us to our next point, which is to…

• Learn about circle of control. Moving aways sometimes struggle with remembering that how other people think and feel about them is ultimately in the other person’s circle of control. More commonly, though, they struggle with focusing on what’s in their own circle of control, and using their personal power to effect positive change in their own lives. Getting familiar with your own personal power is essential! Once you’re ready to speak up for what you want and need, you’ll need to…

• Learn about assertive communication. Instead of avoiding problems in relationships, learn how respect your wants and needs, and speak up for yourself in a way that’s respectful of the other person.

As always, if you’re reading through these suggestions and feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can guide you through learning more about your personality type. Although I’m a moving toward in my primary orientation, I have a huge streak of moving away in my personality. And many of my clients are either moving away in their primary orientation, or have moving away sides, as I do.

So, personally and professionally, I’m well aware of the challenges that becoming the healthiest moving away you can be presents. I know the process requires a commitment of time and effort, and if you work with a therapist, it may cost you money as well. But you deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness!

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