How Understanding Your Moving Toward Personality Helps in Narcissism Recovery

We talked recently about how understanding Dr. Karen Horney's (pronounced hor-NIGH, not HOR-ny) moving toward, moving away, and moving against personality types can help you navigate narcissism recovery.

Today, as promised, we’ll be taking a deep dive into the personality type Horney described as moving toward in her book Our Inner Conflicts. I’m focusing on this type first, because most of the clients who come to see me for narcissism recovery have this personality type.

Understanding personality will help you understand and change your own behavior, and it will help you understand and predict others’ behavior as well. Whether you’re here because you know someone with narcissistic traits, or you’re concerned you have narcissistic traits, I’m confident you’ll find exploring your personality helpful.

Before we dive in, I want to explain an update I’ve made to Horney’s theory. Horney described people as moving toward, moving away, or moving against. I’ve found that people are usually a mix of these types. Personally, I’m a moving toward in my primary orientation, but I also have a strong moving away side. That means that while I'm definitely a moving toward, that's not all there is to my personality. So, you may be a moving toward, but also notice that you tend to distance yourself, or you sometimes become overly focused on power and control.

And, of course, you may not be a moving toward in your primary orientation. That said, you may be mostly moving away, or mostly moving against, but still have a moving toward side that gets in the way of your health and happiness. If you’re here because you’re working on distancing less or being more empathetic, you may discover you need to work on being a healthy moving toward, too!

Identifying the Moving Toward Type

Although it's not always the case, it's common for people who choose to be in a relationship with someone with unhealthy narcissistic traits to discover that the primary way they think and act in relationships is moving toward.

People with moving away and moving against types can also get into relationships with people with narcisstic traits. But as you read through the description of what it is to be a moving toward in your primary type, you'll see how this personality type can get into (and stay stuck in) narcissistic relationships easily.

As you’re reading, keep in mind that being a moving toward runs on a spectrum, from unhealthy to average to healthy. Where you’re at on the spectrum is a reflection of your personality and your life experiences. You didn’t choose your personality type, and you didn’t have much control over your childhood experiences. And if you’re here because you have a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are good your parent took full advantage of your moving toward tendencies.

So, as you read, steer clear of self-judgment. If you discover where you’re at on the moving toward spectrum isn’t as healthy as you’d like it to be, you can become a healthier version of your personality type!

That said, knowing where you’re at is the first step. If you have moving toward tendencies, here’s what that tends to look like:

• You care more about how other people feel than about how you feel

• You do things for others, even though you don’t want to, or it’s harmful to you

• You want people to like you, and you feel anxious when they don’t

• It’s more important that people like you than getting your wants or needs met

• You worry about asking for what you need because others may not like you if you do

• You worry about being more successful than others, because maybe they won’t like you

• You want to like people, and you tend to ignore red flags or rush the relationship

• You feel lost or anxious if you’re not in an intimate relationship, even if the relationship is inadequate

• Your life feels dull, boring, and flat if you’re not in an intimate relationship

• Your friends and family notice you rationalize your partner’s behavior

• When there are problems in a relationship, you want the other person to get back to liking you, and you tend to blame the problems in the relationship on you

• You equate physical intimacy with emotional intimacy—if someone wants to have sex with you, it must mean they love you (or could learn to love you)

In short, Horney observed that moving towards crave connection with others. This is in stark contrast to the moving against, whose focus is feeling powerful and in control, and the moving away, whose focus is feeling safe through detachment.

When Moving Toward Goes Too Far

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a desire for connection with others, nor is this desire strictly limited to moving toward personalities. It’s only when moving toward tendencies become chronic and overwhelming that they become problematic.

Not surprisingly, the tendency to want to like people, and wanting others to like them in return, is one I see commonly in narcissism recovery. Combined with the moving toward desire for a special intimate relationship, you can see how a moving toward personality can easily be persuaded to rush the relationship. They don’t want to rock the boat, and they want to be in a relationship.

Ultimately, it comes at the price of mental health and well-being. And because our minds and bodies are deeply and inextricably intertwined, that mental distress eventually shows up in the body. Chronic anger, sadness, and worry evince as headaches, muscle tension, jaw clenching, body aches, high blood pressure, heart disease, irritability, difficulty concentrating, memory issues, skin disorders, digestive issues, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, fatigue, getting sick easily…phew! You get the point.

The theme of caring more about others than about yourself is also one I see often in my online weight management class. Students often share that because they’re experiencing the health consequences of weight gain, they’re committed to learning how to take care of themselves first.

It reminds me of a commercial for type 2 diabetes management, in which the adult daughter tells the camera that her middle-aged mother has spent her lifetime putting everyone else first. Now that her mother has diabetes, it’s time for her mother to take care of herself.

Every time I see that commercial, I feel sad. Abusing and neglecting your own body in order to take care of others comes at a price. Of course, there will be times when you sacrifice for others. But if you make self-sacrifice a lifestyle, and you don’t take care of yourself, it will cost you your health, and eventually, your life!

The Healthy Moving Toward

So, what does it look like to be a healthy moving toward? Healthy moving towards find the balance between how they think and feel, and how others think and feel. They know when and how to set limits, and they accept that how others think and feel is in the other person’s circle of control. They enjoy relationships with others, but understand their first relationship is with themselves. They can be in an intimate relationship, but they have a healthy, fulfilling life outside of the relationship, too.

If that sounds impossible to achieve, fear not! These suggestions will get you started on creating a healthy relationship with your moving toward personality type:

• Accept that not everyone is a moving toward. Your tendency to be cooperative usually

  works well with other moving towards, but it can absolutely backfire in relationships with moving aways or moving againsts. Moving aways tend toward independence, not cooperation and closeness. Their tendency is distancing. Moving againsts aren’t focused on being liked, or liking you. They lean toward feeling powerful and in control, not cooperation, and their skill set is limit-setting. Learning from the other types and being able to maintain distance and set limits will help you…

  
  

• Notice when you’re saying or doing things so people will like you. There’s nothing wrong with being likeable or being liked. But if you’re saying and doing things so people will like you so you feel safe, your safety is contingent on the other person liking you. It makes far more sense to take responsibility for saying and doing what you need to in order to manage your safety. So…

• Learn about assertive communication. Instead of relying on others to be nice to you so you get your needs met, learn how to respect your wants and needs, and speak up for yourself in a way that’s respectful of the other person. In order to do so, you’ll want to…

• Learn about circle of control. Remember that how other people think and feel about you is ultimately in their circle of control. How you think about you is in your circle of control, which brings us to our next point…

• Build your self-esteem. How others feel about you is in their circle of control, but how you feel about you is your circle of control!

As always, if you’re reading through these suggestions and feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can guide you through learning more about your personality type.

As both a therapist and a moving toward myself, I know the healing journey requires a commitment of time and effort. If you work with a therapist, it may cost you money as well. But you're worth it. You deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness!

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