Yellow Flags in Dating and Narcissism Recovery

We’ve been talking about how although red flags in dating are a thing, dating flags aren’t just red and green. Dating flags also include orange, yellow, and beige flags. While adding in more flags complicates dating, it better reflects the complexity of human behavior and relationships.

On the road, a yellow traffic light means Slow down, and prepare to come to a stop. Unfortunately, many people address yellow flags in relationships the same way they manage yellow lights on the road—they drive faster to beat the red light.

That’s unfortunate, because everyone has yellow flags. And yellow flags are tricky, as we’ll explore today.

So, what is a yellow flag?

Yellow flags are ways in which you and your partner differ, but they're issues that don’t cross the line to moral or spiritual/religious differences, relationship beliefs, or life paths. Examples include different personal tastes (he loves 80s music, you listen to classical; she doesn’t care about how she dresses, you obsess over your outfit every time you leave the house), and different lifestyle habits (she wakes up at 5 AM, you love to sleep in; you eat to live, he loves to cook and eat; you’re a neat freak, she’s messy).

Yellow flags also include behaviors that, on the surface, don’t make it into the red or orange categories, but need more research before you decide they’re green flags. These are ways in which you and your partner don’t differ in your moral or spiritual/religious beliefs, relationship beliefs, or life paths. Examples include dating someone who has the same spiritual/religious beliefs you do; someone who, like you, owns their own business and works a 60-hour week; or someone who also wakes up early, as you do.

Why should I look for yellow flags?

The primary reason to look for yellow flags is because everyone has them. They may not surface right away in the relationship (another reason to reality test the relationship!), but they’re there.

Yellow flags are aspects of the other person that aren’t necessarily deal-breakers, but they’re things about the other person that you don’t like. And as with orange flags, yellow flags matter, because whether or not these issues will change is entirely up to your partner.

The thing about yellow flags is that, while they may not be a deal-breaker to someone else, it’s an aspect of your partner that you’ll need to be willing to live with while you’re in the relationship.

Another reason to look for yellow flags is because they’re not always as yellow as they seem. Determining whether something is a yellow flag requires you to understand not just what your partner does, but why they do it. Here are some examples:

• You meet your date at church, and assume that, since you share the same religion and attend the same services, you must have the same religious beliefs. What you don’t know is that your date started attending this church to meet people, and doesn’t hold these religious beliefs at all.

  
  

• Your date is working 60 hours a week to pay off debt from a previous marriage. That could be a sign of a responsible individual. It could just as easily be an indication of workaholism. Even trickier, your partner may be paying off debt from a previous marriage and be a workaholic!

  
  

• Untidy behaviors, like leaving clothes or shoes on the floor, can be a sign of distractibility. Maybe your partner has ADHD, and they’d be willing to work on being more mindful, or will happily put their clothes and shoes away as soon as you remind them. If you can live with that, the untidy behavior is a yellow flag. (ADHD itself is an orange flag, and you’ll want to assess where your partner’s at with managing it.)

  
  

  However, leaving clothes and shoes on the floor can also be a sign of entitled behavior. Your partner may see nothing wrong with it, and tell you that if it bothers you, you are welcome to pick up after them. If your partner feels this way, you’re unlikely to see the behavior change, and most likely, you’ve only scratched the surface of their entitled behavior.

One final note about yellow flags: If you haven’t found at least a few yellow flags, that’s a huge red flag. Maybe you haven’t been dating long enough, or aren’t getting to know the other person well enough, to uncover their yellow flags.

Confirming that flags are actually yellow and not red or orange may sound like an abundance of caution. That said, people with narcissistic traits may pretend to be someone they're not, in order to get you into a relationship with them. It's possible your date is working hard to hide their red, orange, and yellow flags from you, and that’s why you haven’t found them.

Because your choice of partner is so important, it's always wise to check out exactly how yellow those yellow flags actually are. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, or you’ve been in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits in the past, you'll definitely want to rule out that your date is love bombing you, rushing the relationship, and working to get you enmeshed in the relationship before you discover they’re an emotional 4-year-old.

How do I know if it’s a yellow flag? 

There are three questions you can ask to determine if something is a yellow flag:

1)     What motivates their behavior?

2)     How can we compromise?

3)     Can I live with the behavior/compromise?

We've already explored why it's important to know why your partner does what they do, because this separates a red from an orange from a yellow flag. As mentioned, if your partner has ADHD and they're messy, the two of you can move on to a compromise. But if they're messy because they think they're entitled to do what they want, when they want, because they want to do it, compromise isn't likely to happen.

Because yellow flags require compromise, you'll want to explore how that will work in your relationship. If you’re a foodie who owns hundreds of cookbooks, and your hobby is cooking up and enjoying new meals, but your partner finds eating tiresome, this may or may not be a yellow flag for you. You can cook and eat new meals on your own. You can invite a friend or family member over to enjoy your new meal with you. You and your partner can agree on enjoying a new meal together once a month, instead of once a week. As long as you and your partner can come to a satisfactory compromise, this is nothing more than a yellow flag.

You can know it’s a yellow flag if you can see yourself overlooking this behavior, or if you’re satisfied with the compromise. Research suggests that one aspect of a successful relationship is the ability of both partners to idealize the other person. If you find it frustrating that your partner comes home from work, drops her purse in the kitchen, leaves her sweater on the couch, and her shoes on the stairs, her untidiness is a yellow flag that may become an orange or red flag down the road.

On the other hand, if you can learn to find it adorable that you can find your partner when you come home from work by following the trail of her personal items, and you enjoy the process of tracing her footsteps and greeting one another, her untidiness will be a source of connection and bonding.

Similarly, if you and your partner work together to come up with a compromise that’s satisfying to you, like agreeing to make and enjoy a new recipe together monthly, the process of working it out and following through on your agreement is likely to connect and bond you. As they say, Romance is in working together as a team.

I’ll be posting soon about beige flags, but in the meantime, I’ve shared many posts about dating in the past. If you’re looking for more information about dating and narcissism recovery, check out these posts:

Orange Flags in Dating and Narcissism Recovery

Rushing the Relationship

Dating Flags Are Not Just Red and Green

Red Flags in Dating and Narcissism Recovery, Part 1

Dating and Red Flags in Narcissism Recovery, Part 2

Dating, Reality Testing, and You

Dating, Reality Testing, and You, Part 2

Attraction, Attachment, Love...and Dating

If you feel overwhelmed or frustrated as you’re dating, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. Research shows the single most important decision you make in life is your choice of partner. It’s worth the time and effort it takes to choose wisely!

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