What To Do When a Person with Narcissistic Traits Says "I Forgot"

If you’re in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, chances are good that they’ve used “I forgot” to excuse themselves from a wide range of bad behavior, from conveniently forgetting to run an errand, to forgetting they promised they would change their behavior, to forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, or special occasions.

This behavior can be challenging to address, because as humans, we all forget things. If you’re a moving toward personality type or moving away personality type in your primary orientation, you may find it especially hard to address it, because it feels safer to chalk it up to just being forgetful, rather than thinking your person with narcissistic traits is deliberately engaging in passive-aggressive behavior.

See the issues for what they are

The first thing to do when a person with narcissistic traits tells you "I forgot" is to see what's really happening. When you call them out on "forgetting,” chances are good they want to focus only on the fact that they forgot. They may offer an (obviously insincere) “I’m sorry,” then expect you to drop the issue. If you don’t immediately accept their “apology,” they may act offended and accuse you of being the problem.

If it’s hard for you to accept their apology and move on, that makes sense. Despite what people with narcissistic traits may say, it’s hard to forgive and forget, because their forgetting is not the issue. The issue is twofold: First, that the other person didn’t keep their word, and second, your needs did not get met!

If you have hurt someone, the issue really isn’t whether or not you’re sorry—it’s what you intend to do to make amends. In the same way, if you’ve forgotten something, the issue isn’t whether or not you’ve forgotten—it’s what you intend to do to make it right. So, the question isn’t, Are you sorry? Instead, the question is, What are you willing to do to make it right?

 If someone isn’t willing to make it right after they’ve made a mistake, they’re sending you a clear metamessage: They do not care about your thoughts and feelings. For many people, it’s this metamessage, more so than the behavior itself, that’s unbelievably triggering. If you grew up with a parent with narcissistic traits, engaging with someone who doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings is likely to bring up a tidal wave of uncomfortable emotions.

So, if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, knowing the difference between an apology and making amends is critical. While it’s important to notice how you’re feeling, you’ll want to do what you think is best, rather than acting on your feelings. Identifying what’s happening will help you focus on thinking, and help you stay in your thinking brain.

Stay in your circle of control!

When your person with narcissistic traits “forgets,” then says “I’m sorry” and expects you to move on, identifying and regulating your emotions, and staying in your circle of control, can be incredibly difficult. However, it’s imperative. You cannot control what other people do, and if your person with narcissistic traits is emotionally out of balance, chances are good they’re being an emotional 4-year-old and you’re unlikely to be in their circle of influence in that moment.

Remembering these truths and staying in your circle of control will help you follow through on speaking to the issues at hand: They did not keep their word, your needs did not get met, and you want to find out what they are willing to do (if anything) to make it right.

Calmly express your perspective

As we know from our deep dive into moving against personality types, people with narcissistic traits aren’t natively interested in cooperation, or keeping a safe distance. They may prefer an argument to calmly addressing an issue.

So, using assertive communication is key. You may or may not get what you want when you’re assertive. However, it will help you stay calm as you express your thoughts and feelings. That way, you won't get sucked into an argument over whether your thoughts and feelings matter!

As mentioned, the issue isn’t as much that they’ve forgotten, as it is that they didn’t keep their word, and your needs have gone unmet. So, you’ll want to calmly and assertively state you trusted them to keep their word, and your need remains. Then, ask what their plan is to make things right, so you can rebuild trust, and your needs get met. Here are some examples:  

Her: “Our date was at 6 PM. It’s almost 8 PM!”

Him: “I forgot I had to take care of an errand for my mom. Sorry about that.”

Her: “It’s important to me that I can believe you when you tell me something.”

Him: “Come on, this isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, I’m here now!”

Her: “I believed you when you said you’d be here at 6 PM. If I can’t trust you when we’re talking about something small, how can I believe you about things that are more important?”

Him: “Look, if you’re going to get stressed out over every little thing I do, maybe we should just stop seeing each other.”

Her: “I agree. If you aren’t able to be respectful of me and my time, and you don’t care about how I think and feel, then this relationship isn’t going to go anywhere healthy for me.”

Her: “Did you pick up milk on your way home?”

Him: “Oh, I forgot.”

Her: “Well, sometimes people forget things. But I was counting on you to keep your word, and I need milk to make dinner tonight. What’s your plan for getting milk, so I can make dinner?”

Him: “This t-shirt is really nice, but I’ve worn a size medium since we got married, and this is a small.”

Her: “I completely forgot! I guess I don’t think of you as being all that big.”

Him: “Well, I can’t wear it. Do you want to go to the trouble of exchanging it for a medium? Or do you want to return it?”

Her: “I mean, you can squeeze into it, right?”

Him: “It’s too small, and I can’t wear it. Do you want to exchange it, or return it?”

Always keep in mind that their behavior is outside your circle of control. Your first task is to focus on regulating your emotions. After all, if you were talking to a 4-year-old, you wouldn’t expect them to care about your feelings, let alone know how to console you!

Your second task is to consider what you can do in your circle of control. You may have to cancel the date, go to the store for milk, or return the t-shirt for cash and buy something else for yourself. You are in a relationship with an emotional child, so you can’t expect much from them!

Remember first- vs second-order change

Many people find themselves in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits because although the other person engages in this passive-aggressive “forgetting” behavior early on, they chalk it up to being human. After all, we all forget things.

This can be an especially tempting trap to fall into if your person with narcissistic traits is good at gaslighting. They’ve done so many amazing things for you. How can you hold it against them that they’re two hours late, forgotten the milk, or bought you the wrong size t-shirt? And anyway, they said they were sorry, so it won’t happen again.

If your person with narcissistic traits conveniently “forgets,” then refuses to make it right, you’re looking at first-order change. You can know that if they aren’t willing to make it right, their behavior is unlikely to change in the future. You can expect them to continue to be hours late for a date, forget to run an errand, and buy you clothes in the wrong size for as long as you’re in relationship with them.

Plan ahead for the future

If your person with narcissistic traits isn’t engaging in second-order change, you can safely predict that moving forward, they are likely to do what they want, when they want, because they want to do it. While they may want to do what you want sometimes, there will be other times when they don’t. In short, you are not consistently in their circle of influence.

If you’re in a relationship by choice, you may want to reconsider the boundaries of your relationship. Ending the relationship, or reducing the amount of contact you have with them, can go a long way toward protecting your mental and emotional health. Being the adult in a relationship with an emotional 4-year-old is exhausting!

Referring back to the first example, staying in a dating relationship with someone who shows blatant disregard for your time, and your thoughts and feelings, is a clear red flag. The person with narcissistic traits is looking for someone who will be their emotional parent, so they can be the emotional child.

If you are choosing to stay in relationship, or if you’re not in relationship by choice, then expecting that the person with narcissistic traits will behave like an emotional 4-year-old will help you have realistic expectations. You cannot count on them to show up on time, pick up milk on the way home, or thoughtfully choose gifts for you, unless they want to do so. Having the realistic expectation that they will do what they want, when they want, because they want to do it, will spare you the frustration and hurt of counting on them to do something that they may, or may not, actually do.

It's true that physically and intellectually, you’re in a relationship with an adult. However, emotionally, the person with narcissistic traits is a child. There’s ample brain research to show that people with strong narcissistic traits are literally missing billions of brain cell connections in the regions of the brain that handle empathy.

So, the behavior of a person with narcissistic traits will be blended with the physical and intellectual capacity of an adult, but you can expect to see the same lack of integrity, honesty, and self-discipline you’d see in a 4-year-old. And because your person with narcissistic traits is a moving against personality type, you can expect to see the same lack of empathy and cooperation you’d get from a moving against who’s 4 years old.

If you’re considering, or if you’re in, a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You’ll need excellent emotion identification and regulation skills, and strong assertive communication skills. Your own attachment injuries contribute to your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, and make it difficult to be calm and assertive. And you deserve a lifetime of health and happiness!

Like what you're reading?

Click here for a free weekly email every Monday,

scroll down to leave a comment or a rating,

or click on the three dots at the top of the page to share with a friend!

(If you're not getting your email, check your Promotions, Updates, Spam, Junk, etc. folders!)

If you click on the links in this post and make a purchase, I earn a small finder's fee on qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate, at no cost to you.

This website is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute

for or to replace working with a doctor, therapist, or any other care provider.

I assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or other

inconsistencies, and disclaim any liability to any party for any events,

including but not limited to loss, damage, or disruption, whether loss,

 damage, or disruptions results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Your use of the information on this website is at your own risk.