Labels, Labeling, and Narcissism Recovery

If you know a person with narcissistic traits, chances are you’ve fallen prey to the cognitive distortion of labeling. Labeling is often used by the person with narcissistic traits, perhaps because people tend to use labels often, and more often than not, people fail to question them. Labels and labeling is such a common narcissistic behavior I can safely say that you have a parent with narcissistic traits, or if you have a sibling, friend, partner, or co-worker with narcissistic traits, your mental well-being relies on your ability to hear and respond appropriately to labels and labeling.

The labels people with narcissistic traits most often use include “You’re too sensitive!” or “You always get so emotional!” or “You’re so judgmental.” There’s an even more insidious type of labeling I refer to as lofty labeling, which includes “You just don’t know how to take a joke” or “It’s your fault I’m like this,” which we’ll talk about in a moment.

What Is Labeling?

First, let’s talk about plain old labeling. Regardless of the label itself, what’s happening in labeling is that 1) one person is using a word that lacks a clear, specific definition, 2) both people are accepting a shared vague definition of a word, and 3) that word carries a shared negative meaning.

Let’s take a look at a common example—“You’re too sensitive!” While we all agree the word “sensitive” means you have an increased awareness of something, there’s no meter that allows us to gauge just how emotionally sensitive you are, let alone gauge what levels of sensitivity are appropriate for a particular situation. Because this is true, it’s impossible to say that you’re “too” sensitive. So, “too sensitive” meets the first criterion—it lacks a clear, specific definition.

If someone with narcissistic traits tells you that “you’re too sensitive,” this will only affect you negatively if you both agree neither of you need to clearly define what “sensitive” means, and you both agree that the way you’re acting in the moment is, in fact, out of proportion to the situation because you’re too sensitive. Finally, being told you’re too sensitive will only affect you negatively if you both agree that being sensitive in this situation means something negative.

Lofty Labeling

I mentioned I consider some types of labeling lofty labeling, which is even trickier to address than plain old labeling. Labeling is global, but simple. “You’re too sensitive” addresses one concept—you and your sensitivity level.

In contrast, statements like “You just don’t know how to take a joke” are more complicated. This makes it harder to identify the labeling. It’s not a global statement, but rather, a situational one. When you hear, “You just don’t know how to take a joke,” you’re more likely to ask yourself, “Is what they said actually funny? Should I see it as a joke? Do I not know how to take a joke?” than you are to ask, “Do we share the same definition of the word “joke”?

And once you hear the unspoken question “Do I know how to take a joke?” the common response is to JADE—justify, argue, defend, or explain—in response. As we’ve discussed here, JADEing is exactly the response your person with narcissistic traits wants you to engage in. Instead of addressing the unkind thing they said to you, you’re JADEing over whether or not you can take a joke. The conversation quickly becomes about how they think and feel about whether you can take a joke, rather than about how you think and feel about what they said!

Statements like “It’s your fault I’m like this” deserve special attention. This one is especially crazy-making, for two reasons. First, in a relationship with a person, they focus on power and control. Yet, in claiming that their thoughts or feelings or behaviors are your fault, they are stating that you have control over them.

Second, as we know from circle of control, you may influence someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, but you do not have control over them. Statements like “It’s your fault I’m like this” run contrary to this truth. “It’s your fault I…” suggests that although they have control over their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, they are assigning responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions to you.

How to Handle Labels and Labeling

Fortunately, there are some specific steps you can take to steer clear of falling into the trap of accepting labels. Let's take a look at what you can do:

• Notice what’s happening. It sounds easy enough to deal with labels, right? So why don’t more people question labels? The most challenging aspect of dealing with labels and labeling is noticing that it’s happening. As a culture, we accept the use of labels so often that it takes some effort to learn to notice the words we use, and the words others use in speaking to us. Practice really listening, and questioning, what you hear.

  
  

• Refuse to people-please. Assuming that a label carries a shared negative meaning is closely intertwined with people-pleasing. You're only likely to rush in to change the emotional tone of the interaction, instead of questioning the words and meanings you’re hearing, if you care more about how the other person thinks and feels than you do about how you think and feel.

  
  

• In fact, identifying and regulating the emotions of other adults is not your automatic responsibility. You may want to help other adults co-regulate, but your first task is to identify and regulate your emotions. If you’re feeling dysregulated because someone has told you “you’re too sensitive” or their behavior “is all your fault,” you need to attend to you first.

  
  

• Ask a question. You do not have to accept a shared vague definition of a word. One way to handle labels is to ask a question. The easiest way to challenge labeling is to ask, “What do you mean by “sensitive?” or “How exactly do you define “a joke”?

  
  

• Disagree. Another way to handle labels is to disagree. You can point out that sometimes you respond emotionally, and sometimes you don’t. Or, you can observe that a joke is when both people find something funny. Teasing is when one person finds something funny, and the other person doesn’t. Bullying is when someone persists in teasing, when they know the other person doesn’t find it funny. Be sure you don't fall into JADEing if you disagree. State your point, then be prepared to walk away.

  
  

• Maintain your boundaries. When someone with narcissistic traits tells you “You’re too sensitive,” what they mean is they find your sensitivity uncomfortable for them. That makes sense, given what we know about narcissism—that is, people with narcissistic traits lack empathy for others. You can expect your person with narcissism to be highly insensitive, and in most circumstances, will struggle to care about how other people feel. That does not make you "too sensitive"!

  
  

• Stay in your circle of control. Likewise, given what we know about narcissism, it’s no surprise someone with narcissistic traits will struggle to admit to their own behavior. They want to be seen as good, right, or perfect, so they’ll put the blame for their behavior on you. When you stay in your circle of control, it's easier to see what is your responsibility, and what is not.

  
  

If you were raised by a parent with narcissistic traits, or if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, it can be challenging to identify and respond effectively to labels and labeling. If you’re struggling to manage labels and labeling, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. They can help you personalize these tips, so you can avoid falling into the labeling trap, and enjoy a lifetime of health and happiness!

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