JADEing, and How to Avoid It

JADE is a mnemonic for Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining. Like King (or Queen) Baby, the mnemonic JADE is borrowed from addiction recovery. And like King Baby, knowing about JADE is essential for anyone in narcissism recovery.

While any personality type can fall into the trap of JADEing, moving toward personalities (people who care more about how other people feel than about how they feel) are most likely to JADE in response to narcissistic tactics. Moving away personalities (people who tend to detach from feelings) are more likely to find a way to end the conversation as soon as it becomes confrontational (or not bring up conversations at all), but when they do engage, they can fall into JADEing as well.

Whether you’re a moving toward or a moving away, JADEing rarely goes well, so not JADEing is critical to engaging in communication with a person with narcissistic traits. As always, awareness is the first step, so let’s take a look at the ways you may be JADEing.

Justifying and Explaining are similar to one another. In Justifying, you are stating what you did, thought, etc., and you expect that the other person will agree with you that your behavior was warranted. An example would be “I bought the tickets because you said you wanted to go to the concert.”

Explaining takes it a step further, and breaks down exactly what and why you did what you did. You might say, “I bought the tickets because we haven’t gone out together in months. You said you wanted to go to the concert, and I can afford the tickets, so I bought them.”  

It’s important to be aware that, with either Justifying or Explaining, the end goal is creating agreement between you and the person with narcissistic traits. You attempt to Justify or Explain the reason you said or did something, in the hopes that the person with narcissistic traits will see your point and agree. (They won’t, but we’ll get to that.)

This is different than Arguing and Defending. In Arguing, you are arguing for your position. You’re right, and you know it. “I have every right to spend my money however I like. We both enjoyed the last concert, and if I want to buy us tickets to the concert, that’s up to me.”

Or, you Defend what you said or did, knowing that you’re right. “Maybe I could have spent my money more wisely, but we haven’t gone out in months, and we both love this band. I can afford the tickets, and I’m not sorry I bought them.”

Either way, rather than creating agreement, you believe your reasons are better than theirs, and once you’ve laid out your defense, you’ll win the discussion.

It's true that justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining can work in a conversation with a person who is an emotional adult. It's even possible to justify, argue, defend, or explain when you’re talking to a person with narcissistic traits when they’re in emotional balance.

But if you’re in conversation with someone whose emotional ability is stunted, it becomes a conversation with an emotional 4-year-old. The person with narcissistic traits has an unhealthy need for power and control. They also need to be seen as right, perfect, or good. They can become an emotional 4-year-old in even the mildest disagreement, or over nothing at all. Your conversation can, unbeknownst to you, remind them of a childhood hurt. You may never know what upset them, only that they’re suddenly out of emotional balance.

As they continue to lose emotional balance, their focus becomes winning at any cost. They are unable to respond logically to your logical arguments, and their responses become more and more unbalanced. They’re more than willing to keep up their end of the conversation until you either lose your composure, or you give up.

As mentioned, moving toward personalities are at risk for Justifying and Explaining. We want people to like us, and we want to like other people. We go to great lengths to make relationships work, and make sure that that other people like us. If you struggle with Justifying and Explaining, know that these are variations on a theme of people-pleasing. If you can’t let go of your people-pleasing tendencies, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who’s well-versed in self-esteem, who can help you focus on loving yourself rather than seeking the approval of others.

If Arguing and Defending come easily to you, it’s critical to remind yourself that unless you are in a debate room, or court of law, you’re not debating, and you’re not on trial. The tendency to do this can be both personality-based and well-ingrained by childhood experiences, so if you recognize yourself here, and you struggle to separate from the behavior, looking for a therapist who is familiar with JADEing may be the fastest and easiest way to get yourself unstuck.

Happily, there are some simple communication skills you can use to avoid JADEing. First, be aware that once the the person with narcissistic traits is emotionally upset, they will respond to you like an emotional 4-year-old. Much like raising a 4-year-old, it can be hard to predict what will unbalance the person with narcissistic traits.

Your goal is the same as it would be with a 4-year-old having a tantrum: stay calm, be assertive, and stay separate. Getting emotionally wound up, and being passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive won’t help the situation. Keep in mind that you’re not responsible for how other people feel. Attempting to manage someone else’s feelings is an exercise in going outside your circle of control or influence. Once you're outside your circle of control or influence, you'll feel powerless. When people feel powerless, they tend to get angry. Once you get angry, the person with narcissistic traits will enjoy watching you lose control, and they'll feel they've "won."

In some circumstances, you can choose to not respond at all, an assertive communication tool known as gray rock. If you don’t need to respond to the person with narcissistic traits, it may be wisest to ignore their question or comment. The person with narcissistic traits isn’t able to be in a healthy relationship grounded in closeness and connection. JADEing with them will not give them the ability to do so. And it's unlikely you'll "win" if you JADE with someone with narcissistic traits. Chances are good they're better at being an emotional 4-year-old than you are!

That said, there are many circumstances in which people do need to respond to the person with narcissistic traits. You may have a legal obligation to communicate. Or you may find that ignoring the person with narcissistic traits encourages, rather than discourages, their behavior.

Fortunately, assertive communication skills can help you avoid JADEing. If assertive communication isn’t familiar to you, Dr. Manuel Smith’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a terrific guide to assertive communication, particularly with people with narcissistic traits. The book includes an entire chapter on dealing with criticism, one of the tools people with narcissistic traits use often.

One skill for managing criticism that Smith addresses is fogging, in which you agree with some aspect of what the person with narcissistic traits has said, without agreeing with what they’ve actually said. It’s hard for the person with narcissistic traits to argue with you if you're being agreeable! For example, with regard to the concert tickets, you might say "It's so sweet of you to worry about my finances."

Another skill I teach clients is to answer a question with a question. Not all questions merit a response, and some questions are intended to "bait" you into arguing. However, moving toward and moving away personalities tend to be highly sensitive to emotional environments. They often immediately answer questions, without considering whether the question deserves an answer. Or, they answer unasked questions, based on word (or emoji) choice, facial expression, tone of voice, or body language.

One way to answer a question with a question is to ask about the other person’s thoughts or feelings. You don’t need to be interested in their response. “Why did you buy those tickets?” can be answered with, “You sound worried about this,” or “What is it about the cost of the tickets that bothers you?" People with narcissistic traits may discontinue their line of questioning when they realize you're not going to be goaded into JADEing. And even if they don't, answering a question with a question helps you stay calm.

If you have a history of JADEing with someone with narcissistic traits, it will take time before they realize you are choosing to avoid JADEing with them. I encourage you to be patient with yourself as you learn healthy boundaries and assertive communication skills. If you need more support, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery.

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