The Moving Against Personality Type and Narcissism Recovery

We’ve been exploring the moving toward and the moving away personality types, and discussing how understanding your personality type can help you navigate narcissism recovery. Today we’re moving on to a deep dive into the personality type Dr. Karen Horney (pronounced hor-NIGH, not HOR-ny) described as moving against in her book Our Inner Conflicts.

Whether you’re here because you know someone with narcissistic traits, or because you think you might have narcissistic traits, you’ll find today’s post essential to narcissism recovery. Because narcissism is, by definition, a personality disorder, it requires a particular personality. As you’ll see, the moving against personality is the type that forms the foundation of narcissistic personality disorder.

If you’re a moving toward or a moving away in your primary personality type, even if you have a moving against side, you probably find moving against behavior bewildering and unpredictable. Understanding the core motivations for moving against behavior will allow you to understand and predict moving against behavior. And at the end of today’s post, we’ll explore some ways to better manage a relationship with someone with a moving against personality type.

Most importantly, understanding the moving against personality type allows you to see moving against behavior as happening to you personally, but not because of you personally. When you don’t take behavior personally, it’s easier to stay calm and do what you think you should do, rather than acting on your feelings. So, learning all you can about the moving against type will help you tremendously in narcissism recovery.

And although you may be a moving toward or a moving away in your primary orientation, you may have a moving against side. If you do, you’ll benefit from learning more about it, so you can use all of your personality types to your benefit, rather than your detriment.

If you’re a moving against in your primary personality type, you’ll benefit from learning more about your personality type, and how to be a caring parent to this part of you. Whether or not you have unhealthy narcissistic traits, you’ll find it helpful to understand your own personality type, so you can capitalize on your strengths (which are many!) and successfully manage the challenges of your personality type.

In the event you haven’t read my previous posts on personality types, moving towards, or moving aways, I want to briefly review an update I’ve made to Horney’s theory. Horney described people as moving toward, moving away, or moving against. I’ve found that people are generally a mix of these types. (The rare exception is the individual who is a moving away only.) Personally, I’m a moving toward in my primary orientation, but I also have a moving away side as well. 

Importantly, if you’re a moving against in your primary orientation, you have a moving toward or a moving away side to you. So, only some of the descriptions of moving againsts will resonate with you.

Finally, Horney identified different types of moving againsts, and as you read through the descriptions of how moving againsts see the world, you’ll see variations in how this personality type is evinced. So again, you can expect that some, but not all, of the descriptions will resonate with you.

Identifying the Moving Against Type

If you’re a moving against in your primary orientation, you’re probably here because you’re in relationship with someone who has told you that you have unhealthy narcissistic traits. For moving againsts, this can be hard to hear. The way you think and feel about things is normal to you. In contrast, for moving towards and moving aways, the way moving againsts behave can be confusing and unsettling.

The difference in perspective makes sense, because your primary personality type is like a pair of glasses with colored lenses, through which you view the world. Moving againsts see the world through a particular lens, while moving towards and moving aways each see the world through different lenses of their own.

Moving againsts are doing what their personality pushes them to do, in the same way that moving towards focus on making others like them, and moving aways focus on distancing themselves from others. Without a caring parent in childhood, people tend to do more of what their personality type typically does.

If you’re a moving against, as mentioned, you’ll have aspects of personality that are moving toward or moving away. However, the primary way you think and act in relationships is moving against. Horney described several aspects of moving against behavior that make it easy for most people to determine whether this is their primary style.

As you’re reading, keep in mind that being a moving against runs on a spectrum, from unhealthy to average to healthy. Where you’re at on the spectrum is a reflection of your personality and your life experiences. You didn’t choose your personality type, and you didn’t have much control over your childhood experiences.

And if you’re here because you have a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are good your parent modeled unhealthy moving against behavior. They might have taken advantage of your moving against tendencies, and probably weren’t able to encourage you to develop your moving toward or moving away sides.

So, as you read, steer clear of self-judgment. If you discover where you’re at on the moving against spectrum isn’t as healthy as you’d like it to be, you can become a healthier version of your personality type!

That said, knowing where you’re at is the first step. If you have moving against tendencies, you’ll resonate, at least to some degree, with many of these statements:

• It’s hard for you to be happy for others when good things happen for them, because you feel less successful, loved, etc.

• You worry you’re not important when you’re not the center of attention

• When you’re in a bad mood, it’s hard for you to be respectful, let alone kind, to others

• When someone disagrees with you, you feel attacked, so you attack them right back!

• When someone criticizes you, you usually think of a time when that person has done the same—or worse!

• You don’t put a lot of stock in your feelings, so you don’t understand when people tell you the things you say and do hurt their feelings

• You have difficulty accepting that you’re wrong, and you’ll deny the truth instead of admitting to it

• You believe everyone is entitled to what they want, when they want, because they want it—and if other people aren’t getting what they want, that’s on them!

• It’s hard for you to be generous, unless you get some kind of recognition for it, because you don’t want to feel like others are taking advantage of you

• Having power or control matters more to you than how other people think or feel

• Having power or control matters more to you than working things out in relationships

• You like being in charge, and wonder why others don’t appreciate and respect all the work you do

• You don’t like being the one in charge, but you do like influencing the people in charge!

• It’s important to you to have brand-name, quality items, from your watch to your car to your house to your clothes, because you like having control over how people see you

• You sometimes refuse to do things, or are unkind, because you don’t want to be seen as weak

• You think being cooperative means being weak

• It’s hard for you to apologize because you don’t want people to think you’re weak, or take advantage of you

• You believe only the strong survive—and you intend to survive!

• You believe everyone else also believes in the “law of the jungle”—get yours or get nothing—and if others don’t get theirs, that’s on them

• You see being cooperative as being controlled and being powerless

• Being right is incredibly important to you—you’d rather see a relationship end than admit to being wrong

• If you’re happy with something, you really don’t care what your loved ones think or feel about it, even if it makes them unhappy

• It doesn’t come easily to you to care about how other people think or feel—if it’s not happening to you, you don’t need to worry about it

  
  

In short, Horney observed that moving againsts see the world as focused on their own thoughts and feelings because the world is a dog-against-dog competition, and if you don’t fight for what’s yours, you won’t survive. This is in stark contrast to the moving toward, who craves connection with others for safety, and the moving away, who prefers independence and uses detachment to create the illusion of safety.  

When Moving Against Goes Too Far

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with the ability to care about your own thoughts and feelings. In fact, the ability to do so is key to healthy narcissism. Caring about your own thoughts and feelings allows you to set and maintain healthy limits and boundaries. When moving againsts set boundaries and limits, they do so with a strength of character that’s hard for other personality types to imitate. I don’t have a moving against side, and I often wish I did!

And as we’ll explore shortly, that ability to set limits and boundaries doesn’t apply only to others. Moving againsts can and do use that strength of character in their own lives to accomplish their goals.

It’s only when moving against tendencies go too far that their behavior becomes problematic. If you struggle to care about how others think and feel, especially if you prioritize your own thoughts and feelings over others, you run the risk of treating people like useful objects, until they’re no longer useful.

And, as we’ve explored with the moving toward and moving away personality type, taking personality too far comes at the price of mental health and physical well-being. Because our minds and bodies are deeply and inextricably intertwined, mental distress eventually shows up in the body. Moving againsts run the risk of seeing their feelings of sadness and worry as weaknesses to be overcome, and ignore or suppress these emotions, while allowing anger to create separation between themselves and others.

The outcome is the same as it is for moving towards and moving aways: Pretending that you don’t need to be seen, heard, and appreciated by others eventually evinces as headaches, muscle tension, jaw clenching, body aches, high blood pressure, heart disease, irritability, difficulty concentrating, memory issues, skin disorders, digestive issues, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, fatigue, getting sick easily, and so on.

With regard to living a healthy lifestyle, moving againsts can put their determination to good use. When a moving against sets a limit with themselves, they can follow through!

When moving againsts struggle with living a healthy lifestyle, it’s often because they feel entitled to do what they want, when they want, because they want.

If they want to eat a particular food or meal, or if they want to eat until they feel sick, that’s their right. If they don’t want to work out, balance carbs and protein, or avoid gluten, they shouldn’t have to do what they don’t want to do. Not surprisingly, this kind of all-powerful thinking can lead to significant health issues.

On the other hand, moving againsts can easily fall prey to the diet mentality because diets give people a feeling of power—do this, and you’ll lose weight. However, the power of counting calories and tracking exercise to generate weight loss fades as we move through the decades. This is a theme I see often in my online weight management class. Moving againsts can become desperate to regain control, and engage in undereating or overexercising to feel powerful again.

Irrespective of how you got to where you are, abusing and neglecting your own body comes at a price. If you make ignoring your needs the way you evince your personal power, and you don’t take care of yourself, it will cost you your health, and eventually, your life!

The Healthy Moving Against

So, what does it look like to be a healthy moving against? Healthy moving againsts notice how others think and feel, and they balance others’ wants and needs with their own. When they set limits and boundaries, they do so assertively. They accept that how others think and feel is in the other person’s circle of control, and they don’t become fearful when they’re unable to control the other person. They enjoy making a positive impact on the world around them, and they seek and enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships with others.

If that sounds impossible to achieve, fear not! These suggestions will get you started on creating a healthy relationship with your moving against personality type:

• Accept that your attempts to have power and control don’t necessarily create safety. While you may believe having power and controlling others gives you safety, ultimately the world is an unsafe place. Instead of using power and control as your only strategy for addressing the realities of adulthood, you need to grieve the loss of childhood innocence, address childhood trauma, and accept that you don’t need to have control over everything and everyone. Instead, you need to know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and when you can’t handle it, you can ask for help. You’ll also need to…

  
  

• Notice how you distract yourself from your feelings. Like moving aways, moving againsts tend to distract themselves from their thoughts and feelings. Unlike moving aways, who use internal distractions like dissociating, daydreaming, or falling down a rabbit hole of researching and learning, moving againsts tend to do this by focusing on becoming or staying in power and exerting control, whether it’s in work, relationships, sports, hobbies, or another activity. While everyone does this to some degree, moving againsts hyperfocus on getting things done and controlling how it happens, so they don’t have to…

  
  

• Notice how your hyperfocus on power and control affects your life overall. Irrespective of personality type, everyone focuses on power and control in some way. The challenge that moving againsts face is their hyperfocus on power and control, to the extent that being seen as good, right, or perfect, or feeling powerful and in control, becomes more important than their relationship to self or others. At the far end of the spectrum, moving againsts are unable to care about anyone else, even their own children. Learning from moving towards, and being able to care about how others think and feel will help you…

  
  

• Notice when you’re avoiding or ignoring how others think and feel. There’s an evolutionary advantage to being able to ignore others’ thoughts and feelings. It’s an excellent survival strategy when you’re in a situation where there’s competition for the same resources. If you had a challenging childhood, you might not have had an adult in your life who cared about your feelings, and helped you learn how to care about others’ feelings. That said, ignoring and avoiding others’ thoughts and feelings is a terrible strategy if you’re trying to thrive. So…

  
  

• Build your self-esteem and self-concept. Moving against children who have experienced abuse and neglect in childhood react by manifesting power and control in any way they can. Sometimes moving against children are cast in the role of hero child or golden child, and are encouraged to engage in narcissistic behaviors. And sometimes moving againsts tell me that their childhood experiences were challenging, because the way they used power and control was confusing for others, and they felt misunderstood and unloved.

All of this wreaks havoc on a child’s growing sense of self-esteem and self-concept, and makes it hard for moving againsts to believe they are lovable simply for their unique life story. If this happened to you, you may have chosen to hyperfocus on having power and control over others, being seen as good or right, or owning expensive, brand-name items. This hyperfocus is a negative way of evincing self-concept.

Even if they were positive ways of evincing self-concept, self-concept is separate from self-esteem. Being powerful, being good and right, or owning possessions doesn’t make you lovable. (If you doubt this, the lives of Hollywood stars, past and present, make it clear that power, popularity, and possessions don’t make people happy or lovable.)

Happily, your self-esteem and self-concept belong to you. When you choose to love yourself unconditionally, you won’t need to hyperfocus on power and control. You’ll find it easier to notice and care about others’ thoughts and feelings, and use that information to be in healthy, happy relationships with others. That brings us to our next point, which is…

• Learn about circle of control . If you’re a moving against, you may be reluctant to admit it, but your overuse of power and control stems from fear, not love. Moving againsts fear that others having control over their own lives will jeopardize them. The less healthy they are, the more likely they are to try to control others’ behaviors and lives. This creates all kinds of problems for moving againsts, because what other people think and feel is ultimately in the other person’s circle of control. Focusing instead on what’s in your own circle of control—your thoughts, your feelings, and your behavior—will improve your relationships with others, and free you up to effect positive change in your own life. As you’re in relationship with others, you’ll need to…

  
  

• Learn about assertive communication. Moving againsts tend to be aggressive or passive-aggressive in their communication style, and don’t even realize it. If you’re in a relationship with a moving toward or a moving away, this will create friction, and you may be unaware of it until it’s too late. If you use assertive communication all the time, no matter what, you can know you’re communicating in a way you can be proud of, no matter how the other person responds.

What If I’m a Moving Toward or Away in Relationship with a Moving Against?

Sometimes clients come in seeking support for narcissism recovery, and they’re no contact with their person with narcissistic traits. But most people either aren’t ready, or aren’t able, to go no contact. If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, understanding the moving against personality type is key to your sanity.

When you fully understand—and accept—that your person with narcissistic traits has a moving against personality type, you see that the other person isn’t ignoring your way of seeing the world. It’s not that they don’t “get it.” In the same way that you see their beliefs as untenable, they see your views in the same light. You subconsciously live by the moving toward's unenforceable rule of “I’ll be nice to you, and you’ll be nice to me,” or the moving away's unenforceable rule of “I’ll keep a safe distance from you, and you’ll keep a safe distance from me.”

But moving againsts don’t see this as an option, in the same way that, if you’re a moving toward or moving away, you don’t see “Everyone is out to take whatever they can, so I need to get mine before someone else does” as an option.

When you fully understand and accept this, unhealthy moving against behavior becomes highly predictable. Instead of expecting the unhealthy moving against to be nice, or keep a safe distance, you can expect them to enter into situations looking for ways to maximize it for their benefit.

How they define “their benefit” will depend on the person and the situation, but the intention will be personal gain—not cooperation or safety. The more unhealthy the narcissistic traits, the more ruthless they will be in getting what they want or need.

It's also helpful to know that narcissism is what’s called ego syntonic, meaning that the person with narcissistic traits doesn’t see a problem with their behavior. Their behavior is grounded in their personality type, and reinforced by early childhood life experiences. So, your efforts to persuade an individual with narcissistic traits to change their behavior are likely to be unsuccessful.

In response, moving toward and moving away partners often give their moving against person an ultimatum to seek therapy. It is possible for a moving against to become a healthier version of their type. However, whether they will change depends on how deep the narcissistic traits run, and the skill of the therapist who helps them.

People of all personality types often make what’s called first-order change—meaning they change for external reasons (like not wanting a relationship to end). That’s different from second-order change, which is when you change because you understand it’s the right thing to do.

So, you’ll need to know the difference between first-order and second-order change, in order to evaluate whether the change your partner is making is sincere—or not. While it’s true that the person with narcissistic traits can become a healthier version of a moving against, whether or not they choose to do so is in their circle of control, not yours.

One final note: Remember that when you’re engaging with anyone, including a moving against, if you’re not in the other person’s circle of influence, then what you say or do is not likely to influence them. When you’re dealing with someone with narcissistic traits, if they’re emotionally upset—that is, they feel afraid they are losing power and control in some way—chances are good that you’re not in their circle of influence.

This dynamic is especially confusing for people who are in relationship with a moving against who can be absolutely wonderful, but can also be narcissistic. This individual, so to speak, has one foot in healthy narcissism, and one foot in unhealthy narcissism. I see this fairly often, and it's worthy of its own post. I’ll talk more about this dynamic, and tips for managing it, in an upcoming post. For now, I encourage you to keep circle of control in mind, and be sure you're in the other person's circle of influence before expecting what you say to be taken into consideration.

As always, if you’re reading through these suggestions and feeling overwhelmed or hopeless, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist who can guide you through learning more about your personality type, or how to be in relationship with someone with a contrasting type. I know the process requires a commitment of time and effort, and if you work with a therapist, it may cost you money as well. But you deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness!

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