Dating, Reality Testing, and You

Are you thinking about dating, or are you back in the dating pool after a relationship with a partner with narcissistic traits? If so, you're in good company. Most people who've been in a narcissistic relationship decide to look for someone new after they've had a chance to heal. Of course, they hope this time they'll find a partner who is empathetic, generous, reasonable, mature, and emotionally intelligent.

But once you meet someone, how do you know they're the healthy new partner you deserve? The answer is simple: reality testing. Unfortunately, reality testing isn't often discussed in our culture. Most of my clients have never heard of it. To make things more challenging, going from a first date straight to relationship, physical, or emotional intimacy is generally accepted, and often encouraged. That said, establishing any kind of intimacy with someone with narcissistic traits is likely to end with you getting hurt. Happily, reality testing can help you avoid that outcome.

Think about the last time you met someone new. How many things did you observe about them? What things did they tell you about themselves? Most importantly, how many of your observations and their statements did you accept at face value, without question? If you've been in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, odds are you believed the things they told you when you first met, and you discovered they weren't true after it was too late. Many people tell me that they not only believed what they were told, but ignored their own intuition or the concerns of their friends and family members.

If you were raised by a parent with narcissistic traits, there's an explanation. Children raised by parents with narcissistic traits have to make sense of how their parent behaves. Some of the ways children do so are rationalizing abusive or neglectful behavior, blaming themselves, and ignoring their own thoughts and feelings. These are terrific survival strategies in childhood, but they don't support thriving in adulthood. If you also tend to see the best in people, you may not have learned how to temper your tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. If both of these apply to you, you're an easy target for a person with narcissistic traits.

Maybe you were raised by people who saw you with accuracy, and they taught you how to see other people accurately as well. Or maybe you've been working on healing from narcissistic abuse, and you're confident you see yourself and others with accuracy. Even so, reality testing can still be challenging. Being attracted to someone who seems to see and hear and care about you feels exhilarating. It can be tempting to forget about what you think, and go with how you feel instead.

The problem with focusing on feelings is that feelings are information, not facts. Information, while important, is only as good as its source. If you don't know (or ignore) the facts about your potential partner, you'll probably find yourself resonating with the old saying marry in haste, repent at leisure -- and it'll happen sooner rather than later.

So, how do you reality test in dating? There are three tenets to reality testing:

• Fact-find

• Don't apply your assumptions

• Don't rush the relationship

The first tenet in reality testing is fact-finding. This means you challenge what you see and hear, instead of taking it at face value. Information you get from observing or listening to your date is not the same as facts. You have the responsibility of ensuring your safety, both physically and emotionally. So, research what your date tells you. Notice how they behave in a variety of different contexts. See how they handle challenges and disappointments, and how they handle both your successes and your challenges. Talk to their friends, family members, and co-workers. Determine for yourself what's information versus what's facts.

The second tenet to reality testing is to avoid applying your assumptions. I had a co-worker tell me she'd gone on a first date, and the next day, her date brought her coffee at her office in the morning. She was flattered, because "I'd only do that for someone I really liked." I told her that might be her date's motivation, but because he barely knew her, it was far more likely her date was engaging in Rushing the Relationship, one of the most common red flags in dating. Because my co-worker assumed the reason for her date's behavior, she completely missed an opportunity to get to know who her date actually was. Instead, she turned him into her version of who he was. If you're the kind of person who sees the best in people, seeing what you think is there, instead of what's really there, can be dangerous.

The third tenet is that reality testing takes time. It simply can't be rushed. (That's one of the reasons Rushing the Relationship is a red flag.) You need time to see who this person is, in a variety of different situations and challenges. You need time to meet their friends, family, and other people they know, so you can see how they interact and what people say to you about them. You need time to introduce them to the people you know and love. You need time to think over what you learn, and decide if this person is right for you. And anyone who's healthy enough to deserve you should be reality testing you. You know you're amazing, but how do they know that?

So, reality testing lives up to its name: It's a process of testing whether what your date shows and tells you is actually real -- or not. While it takes time and effort, it'll save you the misery of being in a relationship with someone who isn't who you think they are. Take the old saying Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear to heart, and stay safe out there!

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