Orange Flags in Dating and Narcissism Recovery

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you may be feeling especially hypervigilant about dating. You don’t want to find yourself in the same boat again! Learning about orange flags is one way you can minimize that risk.

When I talk with my clients about dating, we talk about how flags aren’t just red or green. While the simplification of flags to just red or green flags does make dating decisions easier, it also makes dating far more hazardous. The reality of human behavior is much more complex than “this is a red flag, end the relationship” or “it’s a green flag, keep dating them.”

Human complexity makes dating challenging, because many orange flags can appear red. Not knowing the difference can mean you end a relationship prematurely, when in fact the relationship might have worked out. On the other hand, not knowing orange flags puts you at risk for ending up in another relationship with someone with narcissistic traits.

So, it's key to know about orange flags in dating and narcissism recovery, especially if you’re a moving toward or a moving away personality type. If you’re a moving toward, your personality predisposes you to be taken advantage of by people with narcissistic traits. You want other people to like you, and you want to like other people. Slowing things down in the relationship, and ensuring you know what flags your date is waving, is essential to ensure you don’t end up in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits.

And if you’re a moving away, your personality likewise predisposes you to finding yourself in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. You’re an expert at not talking or even thinking about your concerns, including potentially problematic aspects of someone you’re dating. When orange flag topics come up, you’re at risk for assuming they’re green flags, and carrying on with the relationship.

So, what’s an orange flag?

Many people have orange flags. The presence of an orange flag doesn’t mean you need to immediately end the relationship. On the road, an orange sign signals construction, and warns you to slow down to avoid danger. In dating, an orange flag means something about the other person is under construction. Just like driving, you’ll want to slow down and proceed with caution.

So, what’s an orange flag? Orange flags include red flag behaviors that your date has discontinued or improved, like criminal behavior, process addiction, substance addiction, or issues in past relationships. Lifelong mental and physical health concerns, like ADHD or type 2 diabetes, are also orange flags.

That’s not to say that if you’re dating someone who was arrested for shoplifting five years ago, who is in recovery, or someone who has type 2 diabetes, you should end the relationship. These concerns themselves aren’t the issue. As we’ll explore shortly, what you need to know is what the other person is doing about these red flag issues.

Orange flags also include different moral or spiritual/religious beliefs (you’re Jewish, he’s Wiccan; you don’t like porn, he watches it daily; you’re using gentle parenting, he believes children need to be spanked), relationship beliefs (you want an open relationship, he wants a monogamous relationship; you want to get married, she doesn’t), or life paths (you want to live off the grid, he wants to live downtown in a penthouse; you want to work hard for the next 20 years and retire early, they want to work part-time jobs here and there, and haven’t given any thought to retirement).

Why should I be looking for orange flags?

Orange flags are concerns that can be successfully worked through. They’re orange flags, though, because fully half of whether or not you and your partner will work through them is in your partner’s circle of control.

And they warrant slowing down and ensuring your date will want to work through them, because of the impact they will have on your life if you’re in relationship with them. Wrangling with legal issues, feeling chronic dissatisfaction with your lifestyle, arguing daily about parenting, dealing with your parner's addiction, or being a parent to a partner because they refuse to take care of their physical or mental health are generally not things people expect or want to take on when they get into a relationship.

It’s both incredibly easy and incredibly common for new partners to gloss over orange flag topics, to say “Many people have chronic heart disease,” or “Of course, I’m okay with talking about an open relationship,” or “It doesn’t matter to me if you’re Wiccan, as long as I can still go to temple,” when you’re in the beginning stages of your relationship.

Doing so, however, puts you at risk for entering into a relationship that you’ll regret. Let’s say your date has ADHD. If you enter into a relationship, it’s up to your partner to decide how she takes care of her ADHD—or not. If she chooses not to, you’ll need to be okay with a partner who is chronically forgetful, leaves things everywhere, has no sense of time management, starts projects and rarely finishes them, and so on.

If you’re fine with being in the parent role, you’ll enjoy the relationship! If you’re looking for a relationship with a partner who’s on your level, and you don’t have ADHD, you’ll eventually find it frustrating.

You’ll also want to carefully assess this relationship, because one of the tenets of narcissism is being an emotional four-year-old. If your date is okay with you being the parent, while they’re in the child role, that’s a red flag!

That said, if your date chooses to manage her ADHD effectively, she might be a bit more forgetful, a bit messier, and a little more dependent on her calendar system to stay on track than the average adult. But she’s her own caring parent, instead of expecting you to be in the parent role. Despite a chronic condition being an orange flag, you can feel confident proceeding with the relationship.

You’ll also want to assess orange flags carefully, because what can appear to be an orange flag can in fact be a red flag. Let’s say that in the first few months, you learn your partner watches porn almost every day. You don’t watch porn, but you shrug it off, no big deal, you don’t have a problem with him watching it.

After a few more months, you learn your partner actually watches porn for several hours every day. You’re surprised and a little concerned, but now you’re months into a committed relationship, and it’s easier to just let it slide than address it. 

A year into the relationship, your partner wants you to watch with them, and experiment with what he’s watching in the bedroom. Now you’re downright uncomfortable with your partner’s porn habits, but when you express your perspective, your partner gets upset.

If you didn’t see the difference in lifestyle as an orange flag, and slow the relationship down until you have enough information to accurately assess whether this lifestyle difference is a red, orange, or yellow flag, it’s easy to rush the relationship emotionally, relationally, physically, or financially.

How do I decide if it’s a red or orange flag?

So, how can you sort out what’s a red flag, and what’s an orange flag, and find yourself in a relationship with someone with whom you’re compatible? Here are some suggestions:

• Determine where they’re at with the issue. Do they see it as a problem? Do they see it as a problem, but have no plan for change? Or are they hard at work making positive change?

  
  

  These distinctions are critical, because you need to assess whether this is an orange flag, or a red flag that the person is covering up in order to convince you to be in relationship with them. You want to know if they’re going to choose the red flag behavior, or are they going to choose the relationship.

• Determine how self-aware and self-monitoring they are. Do they minimize or make light of their orange flags? Do they think that they only have to change once, and then they’re good for a lifetime? Or are they well aware of their shortcomings, and make an effort to manage them? Do they see change as something that they’ll need to do for a lifetime? Are they comfortable talking with you about their orange flags, and their plan for managing them?

• Determine how humble they are—across the board, not just with regard to their orange flags. People with red flags can pretend they’re humble about their flags in order to convince you they’re non-issues. Do they calmly and openly hear and accept others’ observations of their behavior? Have they accepted help in the past? Or do they resist others’ perspectives and think they can do it on their own, without help from anyone?

• Be aware of how long your date has had the orange flag. Have they been working with a therapist for a few months? You may want to consider this a red flag, at least for the moment. Have they been in recovery for over a decade, with a well-established plan to prevent relapse, and manage relapse if it happens? That’s more likely to be an orange flag.

• Give it time and make sure behavior is consistent. Who knows? Maybe your date is reading up about narcissism. Maybe they’re even following my blog! They may be well-educated as to their own flags, and working hard to keep you from observing them. (If you think they have narcissistic traits, their ex probably told them they’re a narcissist.) It’s your responsibility to notice how much integrity your partner has. Do they say one thing, and do another? Do they have any evidence to support their claims?

It’s easy to behave well once. But can your date replicate that behavior over and over again? My favorite way of explaining this is to ask clients if they’re good at basketball. If they say no, I ask them if they’ve ever aimed for a trash can and successfully tossed in their trash. They usually say yes, I’ve done that once or twice. When I ask them, Can you do it again and again?, they say no. As the saying goes, Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

I’ll be posting soon about yellow and beige flags, but in the meantime, I’ve shared many posts about dating in the past. If you’re looking for more information about dating and narcissism recovery, check out these posts:

Rushing the Relationship

Dating Flags Are Not Just Red and Green

Red Flags in Dating and Narcissism Recovery, Part 1

Dating and Red Flags in Narcissism Recovery, Part 2

Dating, Reality Testing, and You

Dating, Reality Testing, and You, Part 2

Attraction, Attachment, Love...and Dating

If you feel overwhelmed or frustrated as you’re dating, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. Research shows the single most important decision you make in life is your choice of partner. It’s worth the time and effort it takes to choose wisely!

Like what you're reading?

Click here for a free weekly email every Monday,

scroll down to leave a comment or a rating,

or click on the three dots at the top of the page to share with a friend!

(If you're not getting your email, check your Promotions, Updates, Junk, Spam, etc. folders!)

If you click on the links in this post and make a purchase, I earn a small finder's fee on qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate, at no cost to you.

This website is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute

for or to replace working with a doctor, therapist, or any other care provider.

I assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or other

inconsistencies, and disclaim any liability to any party for any events,

including but not limited to loss, damage, or disruption, whether loss,

 damage, or disruptions results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Your use of the information on this website is at your own risk.