Dating, Reality Testing, and You, Part 2

As we’ve explored, one way to develop a secure base is to explore dating flags.

As you’re getting to know your date and exploring red, orange, yellow, beige, and green flags, there’s an aspect of dating that’s both rarely discussed, and wildly important to consider: How do you reality test what you see and hear when you’re dating?

My great-grandmother used to say, “Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.” I didn’t expect that decades later, I’d be saying this to clients on a weekly basis, but as we’ve discussed in exploring reality testing and rushing the relationship, our culture encourages relationships based on attraction and attachment rather than reality testing, so you can make a conscious decision to love based on what you know about your partner.

Unfortunately, relationships based on attraction and attachment are grounded in feelings and comparisons, which are fleeting and insecure. Developing a relationship based on what you know about the other person, and what they know about you, is a far more secure base for a healthy, happy relationship.

Along these lines, I can’t tell you how often my clients come in to session and share with me what happened on a date, and without questioning it, tell me that they believe what their date has told them. Or, my clients come in to session and believe, without question, what their date’s friend or family member has said to them about their date.

I then ask them if they have any reason to believe their date, or their date’s friend or family member. Invariably, my clients tell me that they believe the person “because they said so,” and often add, “Why would they lie to me?”

It’s never occurred to them that they shouldn’t completely trust what someone says to them. After all, they’re dating precisely because they’re working on getting to know their date…because they don’t really know one another yet!

So, do you have any reason to believe your date, or their friend or family member? If you haven’t seen consistent behaviors that support your belief, should you believe what you’ve been told is true?

If you’re a moving toward or moving away personality type, you have every reason to be concerned about the answers to these questions. Psychoanalyst Karen Horney observed that moving towards want to be liked, and want to like others. The unaware moving toward runs a tremendous risk when dating, in that they tend to accept what is said to them without question. Without being aware of this tendency, moving towards will accept whatever they are told, and fail to reality check whether or not it's true.

Moving aways tend to be more cautious than moving towards, because their focus is on balance, rather than liking and being liked. But moving away types are also at risk, because once a relationship gets started, they will ignore or make excuses for behaviors, rather than questioning those behaviors.

In contrast, moving against types generally question and challenge what they see and hear. This is an asset in many areas of life, including dating. That said, no one is all moving against. You may be primarily a moving against, but still have a moving toward or moving away side that makes it easy for you to accept what you see and hear without question. This is especially true if you have an insecure attachment style.

In short, regardless of your personality type, it’s your responsibility to reality test in a relationship, and uncover your date’s red, orange, yellow, beige, and green flags

You’ll also want to ensure your partner gets to know your flags, too, so they can make a healthy decision about whether they want to be in relationship with you.

So how do you discover your date’s flags? Pay attention to what your date does—and doesn’t—say and do. Ask questions. Make observations. If the relationship is progressing from casual to more serious, you'll need to begin asking questions that address dating flags, so you and your date can determine if you're a good fit for one another.

But don’t rely only on what your date tells you, or on what you see. Research your potential partner! I’m noticing a pleasant trend toward people feeling comfortable using social media or internet searches to research a potential partner. This makes sense to me: It used to be that people lived in the same community for generations, and knew one another. You didn’t have to do research to know about their past, or about their family of origin.

This may be true for you with someone you’re dating, but if you don’t know anything about your partner’s past or about their family of origin, aside from what your partner has told you,

assume all red flags until your research uncovers otherwise.

Of course, I don’t suggest relying only on the internet to find out more about your potential partner. Get to know your date’s friends, family, co-workers, exes, and neighbors. If the relationship progesses to serious, get to know your date's children. Listen to the stories they share and the information they volunteer. Ask questions about things you’ve heard from your date, or what you’ve observed about your date. And of course, notice how they interact, and what your date has to say about them later.

As you’re dating, and as you’re investigating, notice what you’re thinking. People tend to assign their own motivations for behavior to others. Don’t fall into this trap! You can never truly know another person’s motivation for behavior, but you can know that a person does what they do because they’re motivated by their morals and values. If their morals and values match yours, the relationship has a good chance of success.

Unfortunately, many of my clients find themselves in relationships with people who were pretending to be someone they weren’t. Love bombing is a common practice in individuals with narcissistic traits. Many people associate love bombing with grand romantic gestures, like sending two dozen red roses to your workplace, lavishing you with expensive gifts, and taking you to fancy restaurants and vacations.

Those can be signs of love bombing, but at its core, love bombing is about the person with narcissistic traits pretending to be an emotional adult until the relationship is established. Once the relationship is established, the person with narcissistic traits can make the relationship about getting their immature emotional needs met.

Love bombing can look like anything from the grand romantic gestures, to pretending to be caring and genuine, to pretending to share the same interests, morals, and values as you do. In short, love bombing will look like what your date thinks you want in dating and in the relationship.

This leads me to my next point, which is to avoid rushing the relationship. Rushing the relationship is a huge red flag, whether you’re engaging in it, or the other person is. People with narcissistic traits rush relationships because it’s work pretending they’re an emotionally mature adult. The sooner they can get you emotionally, relationally, financially, or legally enmeshed in a relationship with them, the sooner they can go back to being the emotional child in the relationship, and they can keep you in the role of their emotional parent.

People without narcissistic traits also rush the relationship, usually because they lack healthy self-esteem, and believe a relationship means they're lovable. If this resonates for you, I urge you to keep in mind that people get into relationships (of all kinds, from the workplace to friendships to partnerships) with people who are at roughly the same level of emotional health. Rushing into a relationship so you can feel lovable probably means you're attracted to, and attractive to, others who don't love themselves and are looking for someone else to shore up their self-esteem.

Unfortunately, self-esteem is an inside job, so being in relationship with someone else at the same level as you is unlikely to end in either of you improving your self-esteem. And if you end up rushing into a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you're likely to suffer in a myriad of ways while you're in relationship with them.

While we’re on the subject of rushing the relationship, I have one final caution for you. I’ve worked with many clients (usually moving towards or moving aways) who observe one positive behavior or interaction, then assume that’s how their date always behaves.

That’s unfortunate, because as the saying goes, assumptions are the mother of all mess-ups. Never assume that because your date handles one particular situation well, or even handles a situation well a few times, that this means they’re emotionally mature.

Reality testing a new relationship ensures you choose a partner who will be an emotional adult in relationship with you. If you’re unsure how to follow through on reality testing, or if you feel resistance to reality testing, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist—preferably an attachment therapist. Working with a therapist can help you personalize the process of reality testing.

If you’re resistant to reality testing and want to rush a new relationship, an attachment therapist can help you uncover aspects of your attachment style that make it challenging for you to be a secure base to yourself while you explore whether a date can be a healthy partner. That way, you can be in a healthy relationship with yourself that expands into healthy relationships with others!

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