Rebuilding Self-Concept and Self-Esteem in Narcissism Recovery

If you were raised by a parent with narcissistic traits, understanding self-concept and self-esteem is essential for your physical and mental health. Parents with narcissistic traits have the emotional ability of a child, so in some way or another, you were parentified—that is, you were on your own with raising yourself. This kind of childhood inevitably results in significant gaps in self-concept and self-esteem. So, rebuilding self-concept and self-esteem in narcissism recovery is essential.

If you grew up with a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are high that your parent focused largely on other-concept. What you heard will depend on what your role in the family was. That can be complicated, because you might have had many different roles throughout your childhood—maybe even several at the same time.

While the specific messages vary from parent to parent, the general gist of narcissistic parenting is that children are useful objects, who exist only to meet the parent's needs. In other words, the child is in the parent role, while the parent is in the child role.

That means children of parents with narcissistic traits receive inaccurate, confusing messages about self-concept and self-esteem. They learn from their parent that they are lovable only when they do what the parent wants them to do. What that looks like will vary depending on the parent and the role assigned to the child. But because the other-concept and other-esteem that children of narcissistic parents receive is intended to serve the parent rather than the child, it will ultimately be untrue and unhelpful.

So, children of parents with narcissistic traits will need to backtrack, and regain their self-concept and self-esteem. They will need to question what they’ve been told, separate from the messages that are untrue and unhelpful, and build healthy, positive self-concept and self-esteem.

So, What is Self-Concept?

Briefly, self-concept is seeing yourself as capable. In order to ascertain how capable you are, you consider aspects of yourself, like your appearance (your face and your body), aspects of your personality you appreciate, and your successes and accomplishments. Self-concept also includes how your face and body change as you age and go through life experiences (injury, pregnancy, etc.), aspects of your personality you consider less ideal, and your failures, mistakes, and losses.

There are two notable aspects of self-concept: First, it’s largely outside of your circle of control. For example, you can make some changes to your body, but some aspects of your looks—like your height, and how your body changes as you age—are difficult to change. Even then, how much change you can make is limited.

Second, self-concept can be (and often is) compared. You can compare your looks or personality, how much money or other possessions you have, or how successful or accomplished you are to someone else.

This leads us to an important truth: If you rely on self-concept in order to believe you are lovable, you will always live in fear of someone else being “more” of whatever you believe is lovable about you. There will always be someone taller, shorter, prettier, thinner, curvier, wealthier, smarter, kinder, and so on. You may be “the best” at something for a little while, but sooner or later, someone will supersede you, as far as self-concept goes.

What Is Self-Esteem?

This is in direct contrast to self-esteem, which is loving yourself unconditionally—that is, loving yourself for your unique life story. Your life story is unique in all the world, and that life story alone is enough to make you lovable.

There may be things that have happened to you that you don’t love, or things you’ve said or done that you don’t love. You don’t have to love those things, or love the things you said or did. Self-esteem is loving the part of you that experienced those things, or did those things. And it's forgiving yourself for things you said and did that you regret. It's not loving yourself in spite of what’s happened or what you’ve done—it’s loving yourself with those things.

There are two notable aspects of self-esteem: First, it’s a decision that’s entirely within your circle of control. After all, it’s self-esteem. It belongs to you.

Second, unlike self-concept, it cannot be compared. Your life story is unique, so it can’t be compared to anyone else’s. Even twins born to the same parents on the same day have unique life stories.

And again, self-esteem is a decision, not a thing. If I decide to love myself unconditionally, simply because I’m me, then there’s nothing and no one to compare myself to—I’ve decided, and that’s it!

Where Do Self-Concept and Self-Esteem Come From?

Despite their obvious importance, many people never stop to consider where their self-concept and self-esteem began. Self-esteem and self-concept begin early in childhood, as children take in the messages about how capable and how lovable they are from the people who raise them. Because children lack boundaries, they take in these messages without question.

The other-concept and other-esteem parents give their children forms the foundation of the child’s self-concept and self-esteem. If parents give their children an abundance of healthy, positive other-concept and other-esteem, then children develop healthy self-concept and self-esteem.

So, How Do You Rebuild Your Self-Concept?

Self-concept starts off as the other-concept we receive from the people around us. If your parents noticed what you did, and encouraged and praised you appropriately, chances are good you see yourself as capable. You enjoy using your personal power in positive ways to meet your wants and needs, and you use your personal power positively to help others and the environment.

If you had a parent with narcissistic traits, as we’ve discussed, your parent considered you a useful object, and you received positive messages from them when you met their needs. How this plays out varies. Ultimately, instead of learning how to use your personal power to get your wants and needs met in a positive way, you learned how to use your personal power to meet your parent’s needs.

If you were the scapegoat or lost child, you probably learned to minimize yourself and your successes. If you were the golden or hero child, you learned are lovable—as long as you do what your parent wants! Regardless of your role, love was conditional, and had to be earned by doing what your parent wants, so they could get their immature emotional needs met.

Positive self-concept is built by first noticing what negative self-concept messages you’ve received. Do you see yourself as capable? Are you good at using your personal power in positive ways to meet your needs and wants? If not, observing your self-talk and asking whether what you say to yourself (and others) is true and helpful is a good place to start.

In particular, notice what you think and say when you are successful, or when you fail. It doesn’t matter whether the task is unimportant or life-altering. Do you talk to yourself as though whether or not you’re lovable rests on your failure or success? Or do you see yourself as lovable, and understand that you’re capable even when you make mistakes or experience failure?

How Can You Rebuild Your Self-Esteem?

As an infant, other-esteem began before you were born, with the way your mother cared for herself while you were in the womb. After you were born, the way your parents talked to you and about you, and how they fed you, kept you warm and dry, and comforted you, continued your other-esteem experience.

If your parents had the skill to care for you well, you received lots of positive other-esteem. If your parents weren’t skilled at parenting, and didn't make an effort to learn to become more skilled, the metamessage you received was that you’re not lovable for who you are: You didn't matter enough for them to learn how to love you well.

It’s important to recognize the truth that love is a skill. Your parents’ ability to care for you is directly related to their ability to love. The degree of skill your parents have to love does not dictate how lovable you are. As Erich Fromm observed in his book The Art of Loving, if you are skilled enough at love, you can love anyone.

Because love is a skill, it stands to reason that you can develop it. One aspect of learning to love yourself unconditionally is making the decision to love yourself. There’s no one right way to go about making this decision, although generally speaking, it involves noticing whether or not you love yourself unconditionally.

If your answer is “I don’t know, “or “sometimes, maybe” or “definitely not!” then your challenge is to explore what thoughts and feelings are in the way of loving yourself unconditionally, and consider whether your beliefs are true and helpful. It can also be helpful to ask if you’d be able to love someone else, even if they have the same kind of life story you do.

Another part of building self-esteem is being a caring parent to your body. At a minimum, that includes healthy eating, moving your body through space, getting enough water, and getting enough sleep. If your body has additional needs, then following through on those needs is a part of your unique self-care.

Self-esteem also includes how you follow through on self-care. Because infants and children are highly attuned to their caregivers, your self-esteem was impacted by your caregivers’ emotional and mental state. When you were an infant, the people who raised you engaged with you. The way they talked to you and treated you forms the foundation for the way you engage with yourself.

If you had a parent with narcissistic traits and you were a scapegoat or lost child, chances are good that they found taking care of you a chore. If so, you may notice that your self-talk and the way you treat yourself is harsh, instead of nurturing. Maybe you rush through meals (or don't eat at all), skip showers or shampoo your hair aggressively, or stay up late, even though you know you'll be tired the next day.

Positive self-esteem means you’re able to observe your thoughts and feelings, then be a caring parent to yourself. Instead of skipping or rushing through meals, you experiment with different ways to create time and atmosphere to enjoy eating. You focus on shampooing your scalp lovingly, the way you’d care for someone you love. And you notice your self-talk about sleep, and gently (but firmly) remind yourself of how you’ll appreciate a good night’s sleep the next day.

Clearly, we’ve just scratched the surface of developing positive self-esteem and self-concept. If you need support learning to love yourself unconditionally and see yourself as capable, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist who can help you on your journey.

If you have children, and you're working to stop the cycle of intergenerational trauma, I encourage you to consider my book Camila Meets Leila as a way to teach your children about self-concept and self-esteem. You can read more about Camila Meets Leila here. Either way, know that you deserve a lifetime of good health and happiness!

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