Assertive Communication Basics

A picture of a You Message in its natural habitat...

When you were a kid, did your parents tell you “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”? This is such an unfortunate thing to hear as a child. It suggests you don’t have the right to say things the other person doesn’t want to hear. It teaches children to tolerate aggressive communication, and to engage in passive or passive-aggressive communication. And worst of all, it fails to teach children what assertive communication is, and how to use assertive communication skills.

If the people who raised you didn’t teach you how to be assertive, you’ll be happy to hear that assertive communication skills will be our focus today! We looked last week at the who, what, and why of assertive communication. Today we’ll explore the how, so when you communicate, you’ll be demonstrating that you care about how others think and feel. You’ll also be respectful of how you think and feel. Instead of focusing on saying something nice, assertive communication allows you to be kind, to both yourself, and to the other person.

The first assertive communication skill we’ll explore today is the difference between using You Messages and I Statements. We often communicate using You Messages – that is, messages that provide information, and begin with the word You. Examples include “You really should go clean your room,” or “Stop yelling at me!”

Passive-aggressive You Messages are designed to guilt the other person into doing what you want. If a You Message includes “should” or “ought to,” it’s probably passive-aggressive. In contrast, aggressive You Messages carry an implied (or actual) threat of harm or punishment.

There is another kind of You Message, in which the focus is information-gathering. Examples include “You look tired,” or “You must be so proud of yourself.” These sorts of You Messages are generally assertive, because the focus is learning something about the other person.

You Messages that are passive-aggressive or aggressive, though, create problems in relationships. People are more likely to respond negatively to passive-aggressive or aggressive communication. And it’s harder for you to stay calm and be assertive when you use passive-aggressive or aggressive words.

So, what can you do instead? Try I Statements instead. I Statements are exactly what they sound like – statements you make that begin with I, instead of with You. There are a slew of possible I Statements, but some common ones include “I want,” “I think,” “I feel,” and “I need.”

Saying “I want you to clean your room” keeps you in your circle of control, and avoids passive-aggressive guilting, compared to “You really should go clean your room.” Responding to yelling with “Stop yelling at me!” is far less effective than “I don’t like it when you yell at me.” You’re respecting how you’re thinking and feeling, but you’re also respectful of the other person at the same time.

When you’re first using assertive communication, you’re doing several things at once. You’re noticing what you’re hearing. You’re thinking about what you’d usually say. You’re thinking about new ways to say things assertively. It’s a lot to juggle, which is why there are formulas for learning assertive communication.

A common formula is “When you…I feel…because…and I need…” It’s effective, on several levels, although it’s easy to get off-track. Unless you’re a Valley girl, if you use the phrase “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you’re talking about what you think, not how you feel. There’s a world of difference between “I feel that you spend too much time on your phone,” and “I feel lonely when you spend hours on your phone every night.” The first one is a thought, while the second is a feeling. (If you are a Valley girl, and you say, “I’m, like, feeling totally lonely when you're on your phone all night,” then yes, that counts as a feeling.)

So, an example of “When you…” might sound like, “When you spend hours on your phone every night, I feel lonely, because we hardly ever see each other except in the evenings. I need to talk to you about spending more time together.”

In addition to being assertive, this tool offers a side benefit: People sometimes realize they aren’t comfortable using it, because they don’t feel safe doing so. If there’s someone in your life that you don’t talk to assertively because you don’t want them to know how you think and feel, that’s a sign there’s something worrisome in the relationship that assertive communication probably won’t fix!

Of course, your voice volume, voice tone, facial expression, and body language affect whether you’re communicating assertively. We’ll take a look at those tools and how to make them work for you next week. We’ll also touch on how your thoughts and feelings about assertive communication can make it hard to be assertive. Until then, keep your drawbridge at a 45-degree angle as you add in assertive communication!

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