Ho Ho Ho! How to Handle the Holidays in Narcissism Recovery

are you looking forward to the holiday season?

Halloween and Thanksgiving are officially in the rear view mirror, which means we’re driving full speed ahead toward Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s Eve! And whether you celebrate the holidays or not, you’ll be surrounded by food and drink, sales and shopping, and celebrations at home, in the workplace, and in your community for the next month.

But those of us in narcissism recovery know that choosing and paying for gifts (or not), attending social and family functions (or not), and the challenges of staying on track with healthy habits are just some of the aspects that make the holiday season challenging.

If you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits, or you’re in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, enjoying the holiday season will probably be even more challenging. So let’s talk about how you can focus on enjoying a happy, healthy holiday season this year, wherever you are on your narcissism recovery journey!

Ditch Perfection, Focus on Presence

Are you worrying about how you’ll get everything done before the holidays, so you can enjoy a perfect holiday season? Are you wondering if you’re doing enough, or buying enough, to ensure that this holiday will be magical enough for your loved ones?

When I was in elementary school, I had a fantasy about living in a brand-new house, and everything in the house was brand-new. I daydreamed about making breakfast in my brand-new kitchen with my brand-new cookware, sitting at my brand-new table in my brand-new clothes, then washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and repeating this pattern until bedtime, when I’d change into my brand-new pajamas, wash and dry my brand-new clothes, and put them away. Finally, I’d have a perfect life!

In middle school, I decided to become a secretary when I graduated high school. My perfect-life fantasy evolved to include going to work, typing up everything in my to-do box, then turning off my typewriter, picking up my brand-new purse (which matched my brand-new shoes and clothes, of course), then going to my brand-new home in my brand-new car. When I returned to work the next day, I would do everything in my to-do box again.

When I tell clients about my childhood fantasy, they have no problem identifying that my perfect life is unrealistic. They notice my fantasy life doesn’t include anyone else, and they observe that this makes sense, since I’d have to have a perfect person in my perfect life—and people aren’t perfect, so there couldn’t be anyone else in my life.

My clients are right, of course. My daughter put together a cabinet for me over the summer, and when she did, she discovered one of the doors didn’t close perfectly. Frustrated, she offered to take it apart and put it back together again.

Years ago, the part of me that fantasized about a perfect life in a perfect house would have taken her up on her offer. Instead, I asked her to leave it as it is. About half the time, when I use the cabinet, I notice that the door doesn’t quite close, and I am reminded of her. I remember her generosity in putting the cabinet together for me. And I remember how concerned she was that I be happy with the way she built it. In the cabinet’s imperfection, I am reminded of how much my daughter loves me, and how much I love her. The cabinet is far more than a mere cabinet. Because of its imperfection, it’s a treasured memory.

Is there a part of you that idealizes perfection? A part of you that’s secretly hoping a perfectly chosen gift, perfectly wrapped gift, the perfect card, perfectly decorated house, or perfect afternoon making perfect gingerbread houses will make the season bright?

Perfectionism is a common theme for people with parents with narcissistic traits. Children raised by parents with narcissistic traits often dream of being perfect, with the hope that finally, they’ll be lovable. It’s common for children to blame themselves when their parents are abusive or neglectful. It’s a terrific survival strategy, because it allows the child to believe the problem (and its solution) is within the child’s circle of control.

Sometimes people raised by parents with narcissistic traits dream of recapturing the magic and innocence of childhood, which is, of course, one of the promises of the holiday season. Or, they vow to ensure their own children will experience the magic and joy of the holiday season, and focus on creating the perfect holiday season they never had.

If you’re more focused on perfection than being present, experiment with ways you can change it up this year. If you usually go overboard with shopping, consider talking with your loved ones about ways you can spend what you can afford. (Is it really a gift if you’re giving more than you can afford?) Brainstorm ways to enjoy time together making memories you can treasure for a lifetime, without putting yourself in financial difficulty (or jeopardy!).

What would it be like to be present in the moment this year, rather than worrying about making everything perfect? Instead of striving to create a perfect holiday season with the perfect (and perfectly wrapped) gifts, cards, decorations, music, and holiday activities (and perfect pictures and videos), try being present in the moment more often.

Being present is about accepting how things are. How do you think the holiday season might be different if you focused on creating opportunities for you and your loved ones to be present and enjoy one another’s time together instead? What would you need to say to yourself to be more accepting this season? How could you create memories that revolve around unconditional love, instead of perfection?

Finally, keep in mind that the goal is to step away from perfection, not create a new perfection-based goal. You don't have to be present perfectly to do it well!

Work Your Narcissism Recovery Skills

If you’re in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you’ll need to work your skills double-time during the holiday season. Clients often tell me they dread the holidays (and other celebrations) because their person with narcissistic traits “just has to do something to ruin it!”

Why does this happen? People with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature, so you will see the same behaviors in them that you’d expect to see in young children or teens. With regard to the holidays, what you’re seeing are scarcity fears. People with narcissistic traits struggle to accept that anyone or anything else is the center of attention, because they fear that if someone else gets attention, there won’t be enough left for them.

This happens because, as mentioned, people with narcissistic traits lack the emotional skills of an adult. Preschool-aged children are just learning how to think abstractly, and one way you’ll see this manifest is in their fear of scarcity. This fear grounded in their limited life experience. If you’ve ever tried to explain to a 4-year-old having a tantrum that you can go to the store to get more popsicles when you run out, or that they’ll get another Happy Meal toy the next time you get fast food, you’ve dealt with how challenging it is for preschoolers to understand that the world is much larger than their lived experience.

Now that you know why your person with narcissistic traits has to be the center of attention (and they’ll settle for negative attention if they can’t get positive attention), what can you do? Let’s take a look at how to amp up your narcissism recovery skills for the holiday season!

If you’re headed home for the holidays, and the experience is anything but joy and wonder, consider how you can make your visit more comfortable. You may need to set some boundaries on how long you stay, or where you stay. Visiting for a shorter period of time, or staying at a hotel or with a family member or friend you’re more comfortable with, can go a long way toward making the time you do spend with people with narcissistic traits more pleasant.

There’s absolutely no better time for strengthening your receiving and giving boundaries and practicing assertive communication than the holiday season. People with narcissistic traits lack mature giving boundaries, and are likely to say and do hurtful things without regard for your feelings. Fortunately, you can employ healthy receiving boundaries, and decide for yourself whether to take in what you’re told—or not! Use the true-helpful test (Is it true? Is it helpful?) to decide whether or not to take in what you’re told by others.

It's also important to have realistic expectations. While I’d agree with you that your parent, family member, friend, or partner should treat you differently, if they have narcissistic traits, they lack the emotional skills to do so. Your expectations may be reasonable, but if they’re unrealistic, it’ll be more hurtful than helpful for you. And happily, what you think is entirely within your circle of control!

You’ll also want to practice assertive communication. We’ve talked about how people with narcissistic traits use immature ego defenses like projection, denial, and gaslighting to spur you to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain). If you’re managing your receiving boundaries, you’ll be less likely to JADE. But you may need to say something in response, and if you do, saying it assertively is your best bet. Assertive communication isn’t a magic wand, but it will help you stay calm instead of getting angry, so you can feel confident about how you communicated over the holiday season.

And, of course, you’ll want to be aware of all of the tools we’ve talked about this year, and brush up on your skills. Do you know what to do if your person with narcissistic traits uses King (or Queen) Baby? Denial or gaslighting? Projection? Vague words? Uses the words fault or blame, instead of responsibility? Do you remember the difference between forgiveness, reconciliation, apologies, and relationship repair? The differences between first-order and second-order change? Are you prepared to steer clear of getting sucked into family roles? Brush up on your skills, so you're preapared when your person with narcissistic traits engages in narcissistic behaviors!

If you’re no contact or low contact with family members or friends, you may be planning to spend more time alone than you’d like for the holiday season. Now is the time to be proactive about finding opportunities for connection. Don’t wait until the holiday itself! Join an online or face-to-face group or meetup. Volunteer with an organization you support. Take a class and learn a new skill or hobby. Or, plan ahead for how you can spend your alone time in a way that’s nurturing and enjoyable!

Focus on Finding Balance

Whether you’re thinking about weight management this month or not, I encourage you to think about ways to find balance between your usual healthy habits, and the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. And if you're not taking good care of your health, now's the time to get started!

Let me explain why: It’s true that eating healthfully, drinking water, being physically active, and getting enough sleep and managing stress will help you head into the new year without gaining holiday weight. But more importantly, healthy habits will help you feel better physically and mentally, so you can navigate relationships with people with narcissistic traits more effectively.

It's also true that the holiday season makes it tough to stay on track with healthy habits. If you’ve strayed, or if you haven't started, the goal isn’t to go overboard in the other direction. I don’t encourage you to go on the cabbage soup diet, sign up for a half-marathon, or sleep in until 2 PM on your days off.

Instead, start today, and work toward healthy habits where you can. If possible, make one small positive change in each of the healthy habit areas that really count: eating, hydration, activity, and rest and relaxation. If you can’t make changes in all four areas, make change in as many areas as you can. Look for at least one thing you can do.

Don’t worry about how small the changes you make might be. Research shows change is easiest to maintain when it’s evolutionary, not revolutionary. Making just a few little changes to your habits will benefit your health, and can help you avoid sliding into a month of indulgence you’ll regret in January! Here are some ideas to get you started:

Healthy Eating

·       Eat a healthy breakfast

·       Plan what you’ll make for meals for the upcoming week

·       Pack your lunch for work

·       Plan for healthy snacks

·       Drink 8 ounces of water before you enjoy holiday treats at work

·       Make half of one meal a day non-starchy veggies until the end of December

Hydration

·       Set a goal to drink a glass of water when you first wake up and at each meal for a week

·       Drink a glass of water with meals

·       Drink a glass of water before you order a beverage when you eat out

·       Download a hydration app and track your water intake for a week or two

Physical Activity

·       Commit to being a person who moves their body through space every day for a month

·       Walk the dog twice a day instead of once a day

·       Walk around your neighborhood to check the mail instead of walking to the mailbox

·       Take the stairs instead of the elevator or escalator

·       Go for a half-hour walk instead of your usual workout

·       Go for a 5-minute walk on your breaks or at lunch at work

Rest and Relaxation

·       Go to bed an hour early instead of sleeping in late

·       Set time limits on phone apps

·       Set limits in your phone to turn it off at least an hour before bed

·       Try tapping, meditation, yoga, or stretching as part of your bedtime routine

·       Write in a journal

·       Use a gratitude app

·       Sing, dance, make music, or listen to your favorite music

·       Watch or listen to content that makes you laugh

·       Enjoy pictures or videos of your loved ones

·       Be a caring parent to yourself

·       Do arts and crafts you enjoy, or try guided art activities, like Patricia Isis’ doodle book

·       Manage your anger and use it wisely

While you’re working on narcissism recovery, juggling staying present, using narcissism recovery tools, and maintaining your healthy habits can be a challenge. If you need more support through the holidays to maintain your physical or mental health, I encourage you to find a therapist or registered dietitian who specializes in narcissism recovery, so you have the support you need to stay happy and healthy through the holiday season. You deserve to thrive!

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