Replace Vague Pronouns, Enjoy Better Health!

do the words you use help you or hurt you?

How closely do you pay attention to the meanings of the words you use? Do you notice the words people use when they’re talking to you? I often joke with clients that I must be related to Socrates, because like Socrates, I care deeply about the meaning of words.

I’m not a philosopher, so while Socrates and I share a fondness for defining words, the reason I’m interested in the meaning of words is quite different than his was. Socrates believed that in order to be virtuous, it was necessary to define the meaning of words, so you could know if you were following through on that particular virtue.

While being virtuous sounds like a good thing, I’m interested in the definitions of words because I’ve observed that when clients use certain words with vague meanings, it’s easy to lose emotional balance.

One particular category of words that have this impact are pronouns, like the words it, this, and that. Interestingly, noticing these pronouns and replacing them with more specific definitions almost always makes it easier for clients to get back into emotional balance.

Are you thinking there’s no way that a focus on these pronouns could make a difference in your emotional health? Let’s take a look at two common examples:

“I can’t stand it any longer!”

“I knew she was going to do this/that!”

Obviously, what it, this, and that stand for in each of these sentences will vary. What doesn’t vary is that the use of these vague pronouns encourages a strong emotional response.

As I’m fond of saying, feelings are information, but feelings aren’t facts. Feelings are designed to inform us of information about ourselves and the world around us. Of course, that’s a good thing. But generating a strong emotional response can make it difficult to get back into your thoughts.

And that’s unfortunate, because your power does not lie in your ability to experience a strong emotional response. Your power lies in your ability to notice both how you feel and what you think, put them together, and create a plan of action that helps you create a lifetime of thriving.

So, let’s take a look at those examples of these pronouns again, and see how identifying and defining vague pronouns helps you go from a strong emotional response to more manageable feelings you can use to inform, rather than govern, your thoughts.

I hear “I can’t stand it any longer!” quite often in working with clients, both in weight management and in narcissism recovery. In weight management, the “it” is often related to cravings for a particular food. In narcissism recovery, the “it” clients are referring to is usually narcissistic behavior.

Let’s try this with a craving first. You might be replacing “it” with “not getting to eat what I want, because I think eating it would help me feel better!” Or, you might be thinking the “it” is “not getting to eat what I want, because everyone else is eating it.” Another common “it” replacement is “not getting to eat what I want, when I want, because it’s what I want!”

Either way, filling in the “it” with what’s actually happening can make it easier to shift from your feelings to your thoughts. In part, that's because you have to stop and think about what the "it" is.

Once you shift into thinking, it's easier to remember that while food can temporarily change how your brain is feeling, food is meant to nurture your body, not your mind. Or, you may find it easier to remember that although everyone else is eating, or you’d really like to eat what you're craving right now, eating what you want won't get you where you want to go with weight management.

Now let’s see what happens when we shift our focus to narcissism recovery, and replace “it” with “my ex’s chronic use of projection.” When you say “I can’t stand my ex’s chronic use of projection any longer!”, you make it easier shift from focusing on your feelings to focusing on your thoughts. Again, that’s because you begin shifting from feelings to thoughts when you think about what “it” is.

Focusing on your thoughts also makes it easier to accurately identify what’s happening, which helps you maintain reasonable expectations. When you identify you’re dealing with chronic projection, it’s easier to remember you're dealing with an emotional child. You can more easily recall times when you’ve successfully dealt with your ex’s chronic use of projection. Or, you might think that while his chronic use of projection is annoying, you’re getting better at quickly identifying it, and not taking it personally.

Either way, whether you’re focusing on weight management or narcissism recovery, focusing on your thoughts gets you back into your Circle of Control, and helps you avoid sinking into feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Now let’s look at “I knew she was going to do that!” which I hear often in narcissism recovery. I do sometimes hear this in weight management, usually about the other person sabotaging my client’s healthy lifestyle habits.

Either way, focusing on the pronoun “that” begs the question, You knew she was going to do what? It’s always helpful to accurately describe what you’re talking about. Again, focusing on thinking about an aspect of what's happening helps you shift from feelings to thoughts.

Regardless of what you knew she was going to do, you might be thinking that the best way to counteract this thought would be to say, If you knew she was going to do that, why are you upset?

I think the better question is, How can you shift your focus from her to you? Since you know what's she's likely to do, what can you do in your Circle of Control? What can you do in your Circle of Influence? How can you focus on letting go of what is not in your control or influence? Focusing on what's outside your control or influence takes up time and resources you could be using to focus on what is in your control or influence!

When you get good at identifying it, this, and that, you can level up your listening ability to include vague words like “enough,” and “too much.” While these words have some degree of definition to them, they beg the question, What do you mean by “enough?” or How do you know it’s “too much?” Questions like these automatically shift you from feelings to thoughts, and make it easier to get back in your Circle of Control, where you can make good decisions and take actions that help you enjoy a lifetime of thriving.

One easy way to build your skill with regard to vague self-talk is to keep a journal. Whenever an event occurs that brings up big emotions for you, write about it. When you feel calmer, go back to your journal and take a look at your self-talk.

You can also ask family and friends to listen to your self-talk. Ask them to notice when you use vague pronouns like it, this, or that, or vague words like enough and too much. You may not want them to interrupt you while you’re talking, and that’s fine. They can tell you what words you used when you’re feeling calmer. What’s important is that your awareness of your self-talk increases.

When you have an idea of which vague pronouns you tend to use, you can decide how you’d rather think about things the next time you’re feeling uncomfortable emotions. I encourage you to write down your alternative thoughts and practice them daily, so when situations arise, you’re ready to go!

One final -- and important! -- way to practice noticing vague pronouns is to listen to others. When appropriate, ask them to clarify, and see how you’re doing with your assumptions. If asking questions about vague language isn’t appropriate, recognize that your assumptions are just that – assumptions. Until you ask, you’re guessing, based on what you think about the person speaking.

If you’re struggling to notice your self-talk, or find it hard to change your self-talk so you can shift from feelings to thoughts, I encourage you to seek out a therapist. A good therapist can help you develop the skills to listen to your self-talk, and develop the skills you need to notice your feelings without getting bogged down in them. That way, you can move from feelings to thoughts, and follow through with the actions you need to take so you can enjoy a lifetime of thriving!

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