Denial, Gaslighting, and Narcissism Recovery

Earlier this month I posted about the immature ego defenses, and why people with narcissistic traits use them so often. We also explored projection (when someone says you’re thinking, feeling, or doing what they’re actually thinking, feeling, or doing) and how you can stay in emotional balance when someone is using projection.

This week, we’ll turn out attention to denial, which along with projection and displacement, is one of the three immature ego defenses. Gaslighting is a specific form of denial, and if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you’ll experience it often, so we’ll look at gaslighting today as well.

So, let's get to it! First, let’s define terms, and take a look at lying, denial, and gaslighting.

What Is Lying?

Lying is an umbrella term for deliberately misrepresenting the truth. The research suggests that everyone lies, at least every once in a while. You might tell a “little white lie” or a “whopper of a lie” or “a lie of omission.” As we'll see, denial and gaslighting are forms of lying -- when someone lies, they’re knowingly not telling the truth.

Research suggests you may not know when someone is lying. That said, people with narcissistic traits are as capable as anyone else of lying, and because they want what they want when they want it, because they want it, they may deliberately lie.

What Is Denial?

Denial is lying when the other person knows the truth. As mentioned, it’s one of the immature ego defenses. In the preschool years, around ages 4-5, children begin to be able to think about concepts and ideas, but they are still too young to think abstractly in a skillful way. So, they are developing the ability to lie, but they aren’t able to do it terribly well.

An example is the preschooler who spills their juice at the breakfast table, then tells their parent the juice spilled itself -- even though the parent saw the child spill the juice. The child is able to create a story to protect themselves, but the story isn’t very effective!

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a specific, more intellectually mature type of denial, in which a person lies to make the other person question the truth of their own lived experience. (The term gaslighting is based on the 1944 film Gaslight, which I highly recommend for anyone who has a person with narcissistic traits in their life.) A person may gaslight you to make you question your usual behavior or personality, your memory of a particular event, or what’s happening in the moment.

A common example of gaslighting is the person with narcissistic traits telling you that you’re “too sensitive” when you tell them the joke they made at your expense wasn’t funny. The intent is to make you question your experience of the moment, and feel uncertain about your interpretation of the experience. Other examples of gaslighting include saying you’re “always so forgetful” when you forget something, or saying you “have anger issues” when you are rightfully angry about something the other person has done.

In all cases, the intent is to make you question your perception of reality. Do you really have the right to feel hurt about the joke? Are you actually becoming forgetful? Did the other person really do something significant enough to warrant your anger?  

Sometimes gaslighting is intended to be a distraction. Instead of focusing on the situation (the joke, what the other person did that angered you), you’re now thinking (and perhaps arguing) about whether you have the right to feel the way you do.

Gaslighting can also be used to encourage you to feel guilty. Imagine you’re sick with the flu and won’t be able to take the kids to school today. When you tell your partner, instead of telling you they hope you feel better and not to worry about the kids because they’ve got it, they say, “Oh, so somehow you got sick?”

Your perception of the situation is that you got the flu because it’s impossible to avoid viruses and bacteria, and occasionally everyone gets sick. Your partner, meanwhile, is hinting you got sick in order to inconvenience them, while you spend the day relaxing in bed.

Whatever the motivation for gaslighting, it remains a more sophisticated form of denial. When you hear gaslighting, you can know the person gaslighting you is, in that moment, intellectually an adult, but emotionally, they’re a 4-year-old. Four-year-olds want what they want, when they want it, because they want it – and they aren’t about to let reality get in the way of getting what they want!

How Do You Stay in Emotional Balance?

Using immature ego defenses is normal childhood behavior. If children don’t have adults who can help them learn other ways to regulate their emotions, they grow up into emotionally immature adults. If you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, I can’t overstress how important it is that you use your knowledge of immature ego defenses in order to understand and fully accept these two truths: First, people with narcissistic traits will use denial and gaslighting, and they will do it often!

Second, people with narcissistic traits are engaging in denial and gaslighting toward you, not because of you. It’s happening because the person with narcissistic traits is emotionally immature, and engaging in immature ego defenses.

That said, it’s emotionally uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of denial or gaslighting. And because the person with narcissistic traits is intellectually an adult, their ability to lie and gaslight is far superior to a 4-year-old's ability to use denial. It can be easy to forget that emotionally, they’re a 4-year-old, not an adult.

So, if you’re in relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you need a strategy for addressing denial and gaslighting. I teach my clients a set of tools that are designed to get you out of your feelings brain, and back into your thinking brain. It’s hard to be calm, confident, and courageous when you’re emotionally overwhelmed! Let’s take a look at the tools, so you can handle it calmly when it happens.

First: Manage Your Receiving Boundaries

Whenever you engage with a person with narcissistic traits, it’s your responsibility to keep in mind that ultimately, they’re an emotional 4-year-old. When they lose emotional balance, they’ll act like a 4-year-old. Having healthy receiving boundaries gives you the emotional space you need to stay calm and act confidently.

When you’re engaging with someone with narcissistic traits, expect to hear denial and gaslighting. Everyone lies from time to time. But from this moment forward, always remember you are expecting your person with narcissistic traits to be untruthful, so when they do, it won’t surprise you. After all, you’re engaging with an emotional 4-year-old.

To strengthen your receiving boundaries, learn to listen confidently for denial and gaslighting, rather than listening fearfully. Remember you know what’s likely to happen and why, and you have a plan to handle it. Congratulate yourself on how well-prepared you are to engage with them when you do notice denial and gaslighting!

Second: Identify the Narcissistic Trait Being Used

The second step is to identify what type of untruth you’re hearing. On the surface, it may seem as though a lie is a lie, and whether it’s lying, denial, or gaslighting makes no difference. I’ve found it can be helpful to identify which kind of untruth you’re encountering, because it changes how you respond.

First, there’s a difference in the motivation of the person who’s not telling the truth by lying, using denial, or gaslighting. And when you understand the other person’s motivation, it makes it easier to decide how to address the situation.

Generally speaking, a person who’s lying wants to avoid the truth (in order to avoid conflict, not get caught, etc.). Denial is designed to help the person using it avoid responsibility for a behavior. And gaslighting is designed to make you question your perception of reality. Each of these is best managed through a different awareness and a different approach.

The second reason to determine what kind of lie you’re hearing is because the act of thinking about whether you’re listening to denial or being gaslit engages you in the critical task of pausing and thinking.

When someone uses denial or gaslights you, you know there something wrong, and it’s easy to have a strong emotional reaction. While your feelings are an important source of information about yourself and your world, making decisions about what to say and do is generally best done from your thoughts.

And as frustrating as it is to listen to a lie, whatever type of lie it might be, the liar’s behavior is outside your circle of control. It makes more sense to focus on what you can do in your circle of control, and the best way to do that is to get out of your feelings brain, and back into your thinking brain.

Third: Manage Your Giving Boundaries

Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can move on to deciding how to respond. Because engaging with an adult who acts like an emotional 4-year-old can knock you off-balance emotionally, it’s easy to fall into the trap of letting down your giving boundaries, and responding emotionally. As we’ve talked about before, this often turns into JADEing.

JADE is an acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain, which we’ve talked about here. When people hear things (especially about themselves) that aren’t true, a common response is to forget to think first about what they’re going to say, and instead, say whatever comes to mind. Often, what comes to mind is justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining.

Unfortunately, JADEing doesn’t work very well, and it definitely doesn’t work with people with narcissistic traits. As I’ve said before, if JADEing worked, you wouldn’t be here, reading this blog post right now. You’d be enjoying a happy, healthy relationship with your person with narcissistic traits!

So, in order to respond assertively instead, you’ll need to notice your thoughts, and if your thoughts include justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining, stop. Take a deep breath, and refrain from responding until you’re calm. You may need to take a walk, excuse yourself to go to the restroom, text a friend, or use another technique (like grounding techniques or tapping) to help you feel calmer. Either way, make sure you’re calm enough to avoid JADEing before moving on to the next step.

Fourth: What’s Your Goal?

You’ve decided not to JADE. So, how will you respond? Before you do, you’ll need to know why you want or need to respond. This begs the question, What’s my goal?

Sometimes you can ignore lies, denial, or gaslighting. However, there may be reasons you need to respond. You may need to address untruths for legal reasons, or for your safety or your child’s well-being. You may need to respond to gaslighting to make it clear you won’t question your own thoughts and feelings. These are all goals that require assertive communication, but definitely don’t require JADEing.

Before you decide what your goal is, be sure you’re keeping your circle of control in mind. People with narcissistic traits may use denial in order to hurt your relationships with others. If you’re not in the other person’s circle of influence, engaging with them is unlikely to be effective unless they’re in emotional balance.

And if you’re trying to influence a person with narcissistic traits when they’re using denial or gaslighting, you know you’re dealing with an emotional 4-year-old—and they’re not likely to be reasonable! Four-year-olds often struggle to accept that they can’t have what they want, when they want, because they want it. You’re not likely to get far insisting that they accept the truth as it is, or trying to change the perceptions of an emotional 4-year-old. If you do argue or try to explain, ultimately you end up looking immature and out of control.

Fifth: What Can You Do in Your Circle of Control?

Once you’ve settled on your goal, the next question is: What can I do from my circle of control to move toward my goal? If someone is lying or using denial, and the situation calls for it, you may need to provide evidence of the truth.

Interestingly, even though you may be able to disprove denial, it tends to be especially infuriating. This makes sense, because it can be hard to believe an adult is lying to you when they know you know they're lying!

So, before addressing lying or denial, remind yourself that the other person is an emotional 4-year-old in the moment, but you don’t need to be one. Be sure to respond calmly and assertively. Being out of emotional balance can make you look like you’re the emotional 4-year-old, even when you’re telling the truth.  

When someone gaslights you by telling you that you’re “too sensitive” or “so forgetful” or “somehow you got sick,” they are trying to protect themselves by denying your thoughts and feelings. The challenge is to hold fast to your own perceptions, while remembering they are outside your circle of influence, at least in that moment. A shrug and saying “Okay,” in a dispassionate tone can be enough for some situations.

If you feel you need to clarify that you disagree, be sure you are in emotional balance first. Saying “I disagree, “ or “That’s not how I see it,” is fine. Your goal is to make it clear that while you appreciate their perception, your perception of the situation is also valid, and you will not be bullied into changing it.

Keep in mind that it's very easy for disagreeing to turn into “I disagree...and I remember quite a few times when you forgot something at the store,” or “That’s not how I see it..I wasn't trying to get sick.” The person using denial or gaslighting is an emotional 4-year-old. They don’t want to like you, or be liked by you. They’re not seeking emotional balance in the relationship. They want to get what they want, and they will be willing to JADE with you to get it!

Whatever you choose to do, be sure you’re making a calm, thoughtful decision and taking action that you believe will benefit you, rather than reacting to the other person’s immature ego defenses.

Depending on your childhood experiences, you may find it difficult or impossible to follow through on these steps until you unpack thoughts and feelings from childhood. In particular, if you have a moving toward or moving away personality type, it may be difficult for you to care more about your thoughts and feelings than everyone else’s.

If so, your unique life story has probably played a role in why it’s hard for you to have healthy giving and receiving boundaries. If the people who raised you didn’t affirm your thoughts and feelings, you may have learned to discount your thoughts and feelings, and find it hard to be assertive in setting boundaries.

If you find it hard to stay in emotional balance when someone is using denial or gaslighting, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. It is possible to heal from childhood hurts, and learn how to stay in emotional balance when someone with narcissistic traits is engaging in immature ego defenses and other narcissistic tools!

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