Dating and Red Flags in Narcissism Recovery, Part 1

what color is this flag?

Have you recently ended a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, and now all you see in people are red flags? Are you ready to date again, but you’re fearful of missing the red flags and ending up in another chaotic relationship with a person with narcissistic traits?

You probably already know that red flags in dating mean danger—that is, the person you’re dating is engaging in behavior that tells you to stop moving forward with the relationship. It's true that there are many red flags you need to be aware of as you're dating. Happily, not everyone has narcissistic traits, and with a little knowledge and practice, it’s easy to identify those red flags.

So, today we'll begin exploring what you need to know about dating and red flags in narcissism recovery. There are so many red flags that we'll only cover about half of them in this post. Please note that this is not a complete list of the red flags! (But don't worry, we'll tackle the rest of them next week.)

Before we talk about red flags, though, it's important to point out that something can appear to be a red flag, when in fact it's actually orange, yellow, or even green. (Click here for more information on orange, yellow, and green flags.) Especially when you first begin dating, you don't have all the information you need to see what color a flag really is.

An example of a red flag that's actually orange, yellow, or green would be a date who tells you they’re no contact with their family. This should start out as a red flag until you know the reasons they’re no contact. They may realize they need distance from their unhealthy family of origin, but haven't done any healing work yet. That’s an orange flag—whether or not they’re going to get as healthy as you need them to be is up to them, and they haven’t demonstrated their intentions yet.

If your date just went no contact because they’ve been working with a therapist for a while, and are realizing their family of origin is making it impossible for them to heal further, your date is likely waving a yellow flag. (Of course, you’ll want to confirm what you’re hearing is actually true.)

If they’re no contact because they’re the scapegoat in their family of origin, and they’re able to demonstrate to you that they’ve done healing work and are emotionally happy and healthy, your date has successfully turned a red flag into a green flag!

So, what are red flags in a dating relationship? Here are some examples:

• Rushing the relationship

We’ve talked about rushing the relationship before, but because this is such a common and socially acceptable behavior, it warrants repeating: Unless you already know your date well, rushing the relationship is a bad idea.

Whether you’re rushing the relationship emotionally, physically, relationally, or financially, you’re setting yourself up for intimacy with someone you really don’t know. Rushing the relationship is like turning the handle of a jack-in-the-box you’ve never seen before – something is going to pop up, sooner or later, but you have no idea what it will be.

• Your date not caring about discovering what color your flags are, or minimizing them as they learn about them

This is one of the most common red flags I see working with clients in narcissism recovery. You know you’re an amazing person. Who wouldn’t want to date you? When your date agrees with your self-assessment, without getting to know you first, they're taking advantage of your self-awareness. This is a red flag! 

This particular red flag is especially challenging for me to see in clients, because what my clients think is happening is that finally, someone loves them unconditionally, just because they are. It echoes the ideal experience of infancy, in which you’re born and loved immediately, simply for being.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a renowned Buddhist teacher, is quoted as saying “If you’re good enough at loving, you can love anyone.” I agree, and it's entirely possible your date is so skilled at loving that they love you unconditionally simply because you're you.

However, loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be in relationship with them. You probably love many people you don't want to live with, like your extended family or your family of origin. You may have friends whom you love dearly, but you wouldn’t want to be in a partner relationship with them.

If your date is emotionally healthy, they value themselves and understand the importance of finding a partner who is as healthy as they are. They’re also comfortable being alone, so they have no need to rush into a relationship. They’re curious about getting to know a new partner, and want to assure there’s compatibility—and in those areas where there is less compatibility, they want to know things can be worked out. They’re healthy enough to fall in love with you with all of your flags, not in spite of them. A date who isn’t interested in who you really are isn’t emotionally healthy!

• Your date is all green flags – you can’t find any red, orange, or yellow flags

This is the reddest of the red flags, and despite this, it's also one of the most common red flags I see. I suspect it's so popular because from early childhood, our culture promotes the idea of being swept off your feet by a handsome man, or have a chance encounter with a beautiful woman, and once you overcome a challenge of some sort, you'll live together happily ever after.

Of course, that's the stuff of fairy tales, romance novels, and Hallmark movies. It's definitely not real life! In real life, everyone has at least a yellow flag or two, and most of us have orange flags. As we’ve discussed, orange and yellow flags don’t mean a relationship is unworkable. It does mean you’ll need to commit to addressing those flags throughout your relationship. If you don’t know what those flags are, you are taking a huge risk!

If you haven't found a single orange or yellow flag, one of two things is happening. Either you don't know each other well enough yet, or they're deliberately hiding their red flags from you. In fact, one common way people with narcissistic traits move relationships along is by mirroring the behaviors they see in you, or by mirroring the behaviors you say you want in a partner. So, if your date is all green flags, that's a good reason to slow things down.

On a side note, if someone asks you what you consider a red flag, or what your red flags are, I’d question the reason they’re asking, rather than answering their question. Why do they want to know what you consider a red flag? Do they want to hide a red flag from you? And why are they asking about yours, when you could say anything and not mean any of it?

And always, always keep in mind that the way to determine flags of any color is through lived experience. As my great-grandmother used to say, Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear. 

• Unknown past behavior (toward past partners, their children, family, friends)

You could argue that this is part of rushing a relationship, but I’m spelling it out as a red flag because so many of my clients in narcissism recovery simply take at face value what their date tells them, without confirming it whatsoever. Your date may be telling you the truth...or not! Until you meet their past partners, children, family, friends, co-workers, etc., and see how they interact and what others say about them, you are taking a leap of faith. This leap is especially easy for moving toward personalities to make, because moving toward personalities naturally want to like other people.

But think about it this way: If you’ve been in a relationship with a person with narcissistic tendencies, you and your ex probably don’t view what happened in the relationship similarly. When your ex starts dating again, what do you think they’ll tell their new date? If you’re dating someone else’s ex, how do you know that what you’re hearing is true?

• Wants you to meet their children right away

If your date wants you to meet their children right away, especially if they’re young children, it’s a huge red flag. Children form attachments to adults easily. Although you know you’re a terrific person who would be great with your date’s kids, how does your date know this about you? If they haven’t reality tested you, they’re taking advantage of your self-awareness – and not to your benefit! A responsible parent respects this, and does not introduce a new partner until they’ve thoroughly reality tested the other person.   

• Their children are no contact with them

Having children from a previous relationship is not a red flag. If your date has children, and especially if you have children or want to have children, you’ll have the opportunity to learn a great deal about your date as you explore your date’s history as a parent.

However, if your date’s children are not in contact with them, it’s a significant red flag. Children are hardwired to attach to their caregivers, and when children have made the conscious decision to estrange a parent, this is a red flag until it’s not. You need to uncover the reason your date’s child is not interested in a relationship with their parent.

It’s true that children can be influenced negatively by the other parent or other family members. However, accepting your date’s explanation at face value, unless your date takes responsibility for the estrangement, is risky business for you.

• They have no contact or minimal contact with their children

Children are hardwired for attachment to their caregivers. Parents, however, aren’t hardwired to connect to their children. Contrary to popular opinion, there is no “maternal instinct” or “paternal instinct.” Attachment from child to parent is a drive. Love, however, is a decision, followed by choices that respect that decision. If your date didn’t make the decision to love their child, or has made the decision to be no contact with their child while they “love them from a distance,” I encourage you to explore this carefully.

There may be valid reasons your date is choosing to distance themselves from their child. However, if your date has difficulty making the decision to love their child, it may mean they will have difficulty making the decision to love you. And, as we’ve discussed, never assume. Observe first-hand that your date loves their child, and their children love them in return, instead of relying only on what your date tells you.

• They are no contact with their family of origin

People aren’t born emotionally healthy. We learn self-esteem and self concept from the people who raise us and from our environment. If your date is no contact with the people who raised them, and there’s good reason, you want to ensure your date has done the work they need to do to match your level of emotional health. While being no contact can be an orange, yellow, or even a green flag, as we've discussed today, you'll want to proceed with caution until you see this flag in bright lighting.

As I mentioned, these are about half of the red flags to be aware of as you're dating. We'll follow up next week with more red flags! If you recognize challenges in identifying or setting boundaries with regard to red flags in dating, I encourage you to consider seeking out an attachment therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. Until you do your healing work, you'll continue to be attracted to, and attractive to, people with narcissistic traits. And you deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship!

Like what you're reading?

Subscribe to become a site member and get email notifications for new posts,

scroll down to leave a comment or a rating,

or click on the three dots at the top of the page to share with a friend!

If you click on the links in this post and make a purchase, I earn a small finder's fee on qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate, at no cost to you.

This website is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute

for or to replace working with a doctor, therapist, or any other care provider.

I assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or other

inconsistencies, and disclaim any liability to any party for any events,

including but not limited to loss, damage, or disruption, whether loss,

 damage, or disruptions results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Your use of the information on this website is at your own risk.