Intent versus Impact

Today's blog post is short and sweet--I'm in an all-day, four-day training that's keeping me busy. The training is intense, but wonderful!

As a bonus, on the first day, we explored the idea of identifying intent versus impact, and focusing on intent, rather than impact, when someone in the group says or does something hurtful.

I was immediately struck by how useful identifying intent versus impact is in all relationships. In particular, if you're a moving toward or moving away personality type, and you're in a relationship with a moving against personality type, intent versus impact is key.

Because moving toward and moving away personality types focus on how the other person is feeling, while moving away personality types are more focused on how they're feeling, it's common for moving toward and moving away types to feel hurt by entirely unintentional things moving against types say and do.

Being able to determine if something was intended, or impactful, can make all the difference. If you realize the other person said something that impacted you in an uncomfortable way, it's worth your while to ask if that was the other person's intent.

Acknowledging that the intent might not have been hurtful does not mean that you cannot or should not speak up about what happened. It does, however, give you space to feel calm, connected, and compassionate for the other person. And when you communicate your thoughts and feelings from a place of calmness, connection, and compassion, it's far more likely that your message will be received in a way that's helpful for your relationship.

Even if you aren't in the other person's circle of influence, and what you say doesn't influence them, it'll still be easier for you to be assertive, instead of being passive-aggressive, aggressive, or passive. You can be proud of the way you communicated your thoughts and feelings--which, of course, is all that's in your own circle of control.

Of course, a statement or action can be both intentional and impactful, in a hurtful way. When that's the case, you'll need to take appropriate action, whether that might be using skills that help you feel calmer, communicating assertively, or asking for help.

If the idea of identifying the difference between intent and impact feels overwhelming, or if you need support with skills for identifying and regulating your feelings or communicating assertively, I encourage you to consider seeking out a therapist who can help you do so. You deserve to thrive!

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