The Bare Minimum You Need to Know About Personality in Narcissism Recovery

what color are your lenses?

We talked a while ago about how Dr. Karen Horney defined personality types in her book Our Inner Conflicts, and how knowing your own type can help you if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. We took a look at how to determine if you’re primarily a moving toward, moving away, or a moving against, and how to be a healthy version of your type. And we explored what you can do if you’re in a relationship with a moving against with narcissistic traits.

That said, things happen fast in relationships, and it can be easy to get overwhelmed quickly. Today we're going to build on what we've discussed by exploring an easy way to get right to the heart of the differences between the three basic personality types.

When you're dealing with someone with narcissistic traits, you probably don't have time to carefully consider personality types, examine similarities and differences, and use that information to guess what might happen next. What you need is a sentence or two that’ll help you get (and stay!) in emotional balance.

One easy way to do this is to think of personality as being like a pair of glasses with colored lenses. This analogy makes it easy to jump from your own perspective to someone else’s—just like taking off a pair of sunglasses and putting on a pair with different-colored lenses.

Why bother with figuring out what the world looks like to the other person? Taking off your personality lenses and putting on another type’s lenses helps you make sense of their behavior. When you can make sense of things, it’s easier to stay calm, and do what you think you should do.

It also makes it far easier to predict what the other person will do. My clients constantly tell me they think I have a crystal ball. I don't, but I do understand personality types, and what types are likely to do.

And because people tend to rely more on personality when they're under stress, this makes it even easier for me to predict what a person with narcissistic traits will do when they engage in conflict. If you're familiar with the foundations of the three personality types, you too can quickly and easily guess--without getting all caught up in your emotions--what the other person is likely to do.

So, what’s it like wearing a different personality type’s lenses? Before you read, first imagine taking off your own personality lenses. As you read, try to set aside your own perspective, and truly see the world through each personality type's lenses.

Are you ready? Let's take a look at the core of each type's thinking styles:

Moving Toward

• How other people think and feel is more important than how I think and feel

• I want to like you, and I want you to like me

• In the fight-or-flight stress response, moving toward behavior corresponds to fawning

Moving Against

• How I think and feel is more important than how others think and feel

• Everyone is against me, so I have to be against them first

• In the fight-or-flight stress response, moving against corresponds to fighting

Moving Away

• Avoiding conflict by being independent, and having privacy and freedom, is the most important thing

• Everyone is against me, so I have to distance myself

• In the fight-or-flight stress response, moving away corresponds to flight

Here’s a few examples of how understanding the lenses can work for you if you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. If you’re a moving toward, and the other person is a moving against, you’ll need to start by taking off your “I want to like you, and I want you to like me” lenses.

If you put on moving against lenses, you'll see your person with narcissistic traits likely sees the world through the lenses of “Everyone is against me, so I have to be against them first.” You may want to focus on cooperation, but you can expect they will be willing to fight. If you take this personally, it’s easy to get out of emotional balance. Chances are, their aggressive behavior is happening to you personally, but not because of you personally.

If you’re a moving away in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, your tendency is to distance yourself when the other person engages in narcissistic behaviors. While this may work to keep you safe to some degree, when you take off your moving away lenses and put on moving against lenses, it’s easy to see how withdrawing can backfire.

The moving against isn’t thinking, “If they withdraw, that means they’re safe, and they won't hurt me.” They’re thinking, “Everyone is against me, so I have to be against them first.” Learning how to handle situations assertively, instead of withdrawing, will give you the skills you need to manage situations more effectively.

These are just two examples of situations in which personality types see the world differently. Moving toward and moving away types can have conflicts grounded in personality type, too!

One more thing about personality types: Keep in mind that personality is too complex to limit to just moving toward, moving against, or moving away. You--and everyone else--is a blend of these three tendencies.

It’s helpful to simplify by identifying as the primary way you and other people tend to handle things, but I encourage you to be aware of the situations and relationships that bring out other sides of your personality, and explore how you can use your self-awareness to stay in emotional balance.

If you're intrigued and want more information, I've posted about personality types and narcissism recovery here:

How Horney's Personality Theory Can Help You in Narcissism Recovery

How Understanding Your Moving Toward Personality Helps in Narcissism Recovery

How Understanding Your Moving Away Personality Helps in Narcissism Recovery

The Moving Against Personality Type and Narcissism Recovery

If you need support as you personalize what you're reading about personality types, I encourage you to work with a therapist who is familiar with personality disorders. A therapist can help you make sense of your own and others' personality types, and you'll do so in far less time than it would require you to do so on your own. You deserve a lifetime of health and happiness!

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