Assertive Communication in Narcissism Recovery

If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are good you didn’t learn assertive communication skills in childhood. This is a significant handicap, because assertive communication allows you to care about how you think and feel, while still being respectful of the person to whom you’re speaking. Finding that balance makes it far more likely that your wants and needs will be heard.

 I’ve written about the who, what, and why of assertive communication, shared assertive communication basics, and talked about the foundations of assertive communication. In today’s post, we'll build on these posts. You'll learn several assertive communication skills, and how to put them into play! These skills will give you the knowledge you need to communicate assertively with anyone, whether it’s your parents, kids, friends, partners, boss, co-workers, even strangers.

In particular, assertive communication skills are essential for communicating with your person with narcissistic traits. Assertive communication skills aren’t a magic wand that make people do what you want them to do. But communicating assertively—the act of thinking about how you’re thinking and feeling, and simultaneously, thinking about how it will be for the other person to hear it—helps you stay in your thinking brain, instead of communicating from your feeling brain.

This is critical when you’re communicating with your person with narcissistic traits. Because they’re an emotional four-year-old, it’s easy to get frustrated dealing with them. You’ll need all the skills you can get to stay calm. So, let’s jump right in, and see how assertive communication skills can benefit you in narcissism recovery!

I Statements vs You Messages

Using I Statements is a foundational assertive communication skill. Happily, it’s a simple skill: All you do is use “I” instead of “you” when you’re speaking. So, instead of saying “You should,” “You need to,” or “You have to,” you might say “I think,” “I want to,” “I feel,” “I need you to,” or “I expect you to.”

While using I Statements instead of You Messages might seem minor, there’s a world of difference between “I want you to clean your room” and “You need to go clean your room,” or “I feel hurt when you follow other women on social media” and “You need to stop following other women on social media.”

That’s because I Statements speak to you, which is your area of expertise. In contrast, You Messages speak to how other people feel, think, or act, which is squarely in their circle of control. This is why You Messages have a tendency to create contention in conversations. People don’t appreciate being told how they think, feel, or should act!

And while we’re discussing talking about feelings, know that “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” do not describe feelings. They describe thoughts, which can be less assertive. If you’re using “I feel like” or “I feel that” to avoid sharing your feelings, you may want to consider what’s happening in the relationship that has you uncomfortable with sharing how you feel. It’s usually more assertive to say “I think” or “I believe” if you’re sharing a thought!

Sponges and Deflectors

Sponges and Deflectors are a great tool for setting limits and boundaries. To use Sponges and Deflectors, you simply start with a Sponge, then follow with a Deflector. With a Sponge, you are expressing empathy for the other person. The Deflector then sets the limit or boundary. Here are some examples of Sponges and Deflectors:

Sponges

I hear you about…

I feel the same way about…

I understand you feel…

Deflectors

But…

However…

Nevertheless…

Still…

Let’s take a look at how Sponges and Deflectors might sound when you put them together:

“I understand you’re not excited about cleaning your room. I don’t enjoy cleaning, either. But I do enjoy a clean room, and I believe it’s important to take care of our home. I want you to pick up all of your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper, then pick up and put away your toys and books. I’ll check on you in a half-hour to see how it’s going. Any questions?”

“I know you’ve had a long day, and you’re tired. Nevertheless, I don’t deserve to be treated poorly because you’re having a tough day.”

Assertion Sandwiches

Assertion Sandwiches are a terrific way to make requests, although they can also be used to communicate information about any topic. In a Sandwich, the “bread” is empathy, while the “meat” is your request. Here’s an example:

“I know you’re busy, and I appreciate you taking my call. I’ve talked to several representatives, and none of them were able to help me. I need someone to research my concern. I’d really appreciate your help!”

When you’re making an assertion sandwich, you can slice the bread as thick or thin as you need to, and you can put as much meat into the sandwich as you wish. Because you’re being assertive—considering the other person, in addition to considering your own thoughts and feelings.

I feel…when you…and I need...

This tool is a great template for communicating. It can be used to share about a comfortable situation, or to talk about a concern. When you’re new to assertive communication, I encourage you to use it as-is. After you’re more comfortable with assertive communication, you’ll see that you don’t need to follow it exactly in order to be assertive. The template looks like this:

I feel…[describe your feeling]

when you…[describe their behavior]

And I need…[make your request]

Here’s how it works: You describe to the other person how you feel when they engage in a particular behavior, and then describe what you need instead. For example, you might say, “I feel sad and lonely when you spend the night playing video games with your friends, and I need to talk with you about spending more time together in the evenings.”

This is one tool where the temptation to use “I feel like” or “I feel that” crops up often. As we’ve discussed, when you use “I feel like…” or “I feel that…,” you are not using a feeling. “I feel like” or “I feel that” are followed by thoughts. A statement like “I feel that you are spending too much time playing video games at night with your friends” is more aligned with aggressive communication than assertive communication!

Fogging

Fogging is my favorite assertive communication tool. In fogging, you neither agree nor disagree with the other person. You simply acknowledge what they’ve said.

If you know a person with narcissistic traits, fogging is a useful skill, because you probably find yourself on the wrong end of displacement often. Instead of getting angry or being hurt, you can recognize it as displacement, shrug it off, and use fogging to neutralize the displacement.

There’s no specific template for fogging statements, but my favorite basic fogging statement to have on hand is “That’s interesting.” This energy forms the foundation of a variety of useful fogging statements:

“That’s an interesting perspective!”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“You always have such an interesting way of seeing things.”

As you can see from these examples, you’re not agreeing with what they’ve said. You haven’t clarified what you find interesting (which is, of course, how narcissistic they sound). You’re simply acknowledging they’ve said something that’s important—to them.

And you haven’t disagreed with them, because you recognize the other person doesn’t want to have a conversation. They want you to get angry or feel hurt, and then overreact!

While we’re on the subject of fogging, I want to mention Dr. Manuel Smith’s book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Smith takes fogging to the next level, and finds a way to agree when someone is criticizing you. For example, if your parent with narcissistic traits observes you should have worked harder on a project at work, you might say, “You’re right, I could have worked harder.”

This requires the ability to pull up your emotional drawbridge so you’re not overwhelmed by what someone else thinks of you. It can be a powerful tool to shut down a critical individual! However, it should not be used if you’re engaging with someone who might present your statements in court.

Assertive communication can be challenging if you haven’t healed your childhood hurts. If you’re struggling with assertive communication, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma. You deserve to thrive!

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