King (or Queen) Baby and Narcissism Recovery

The term “King (or Queen) Baby” is borrowed from addiction recovery, but it’s equally useful in narcissism recovery. In this communication dynamic, the person with narcissistic traits switches back and forth between aggressive (King/Queen) and passive (Baby) approaches.

Usually, they start off in the role of King/Queen, and use narcississtic tools like projection, displacement, changing the subject, entitlement, denial, etc. But if being King/Queen fails to work, they switch to being the Baby.

As the Baby, instead of being aggressive, they becomes passive, weak, and helpless. Some of the same tools are used (gaslighting, changing the subject) but appeals to pity are commonplace.

Here’s an example of King Baby, with Him in the role of King Baby:

Her: “We agreed to a weekly cash allowance for each of us for items outside our budget, but I noticed you used your debit card to spend $45 at the movies yesterday.”

Him: “I forgot my cash, so I had to use my debit card.” (entitlement -- he’s the King, so he’s entitled to what he wants, when he wants, because that’s what he wants)

Her: “So, going to the movies was more important than keeping your word? Or making sure we have money in the account to pay bills?”

Him: “Well, I wanted to see the movie. And I was hungry so I had to buy something to eat.” (entitlement)

Her: “You didn’t have cash because you forgot. You could have gone another day, when had your cash. And we had AutoPay bills that would have bounced if I hadn’t noticed you spent money. I deposited my cash allowance to cover your spending.”

Him: [exaggerated sigh] "You’re right. I’m a total pathetic loser. You should have married the doctor you were dating before we met. Then money wouldn’t be a problem.” (Now he’s the Baby. He’s switched from an aggressive approach to a passive one, and is using changing the subject and appealing to pity.)

This is where it's easy to get sidetracked. If you grew up with adults who failed to teach you boundaries (or worse, took advantage of your tendency to care more about others than about yourself), you may find it challenging to care more about how you feel than about how your partner feels. If you lose focus, you may end up reassuring your partner that they’re not a loser, this is just about taking care of the finances, etc. King Baby has successfully shifted the focus away from your thoughts and feelings to their thoughts and feelings.

The first step, of course, is to identify what's happening. If you can spot King/Queen Baby behavior as soon as it starts, that makes it much easier to see it as happening to you, but not because of you.

Once you see it's happening because they're engaging like an emotional four-year-old, rather than engaging as an emotional adult, it's far easier to make sure the spinner lands on you. This means you need to shift the focus from how your person with narcissistic traits is thinking and feeling, and instead, focus on how you're thinking and feeling.

When you know how you're thinking and feeling, it's time to decide what you need, and then use appropriate assertive communication and narcissism recovery skills. Obviously, the answers here will vary, depending on the circumstance.

In this case, I'd suggest using circle of control. It's clear from their conversation that Him isn't in Her circle of influence, so any attempts on Her part to influence Him are unlikely to go well for Her.

And while Her can't control what Him does, she can control what she does. Her could wait until Him is calmer, and try the conversation again. Or, Her could consider separate bank accounts, canceling the debit card and using only cash or a prepaid card, or ending the relationship.

If making sure the spinner lands on you is a challenge, or if you struggle with focusing on your circle of control, I encourage you to consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve to thrive!

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