How Labels and Self-talk Affect Narcissism Recovery and Weight Management

Are you here because you have a person with narcissistic traits in your life? If so, have you recently used an insult or profanity, like loser or a-hole, to describe them?

If you’re here because you'd like to lose weight, have you looked in the mirror and called yourself ugly or fat this year?

Many people could answer yes to both questions. Using labels like loser, a-hole, ugly, and fat is incredibly common. We use these kinds of words in the way we talk to ourselves and others so often that you may not even notice you’re doing it!

While it’s common and understandable, it’s also incredibly unhelpful. I encourage clients to be aware of how their self-talk affects them, and be aware of how they use insults and profanity in their thinking and conversation. That goes for whether you’re talking about yourself, or whether you’re thinking about your person with narcissistic traits. Why is using labels so important? Let's start by defining what we mean by the word label.

What Are Labels?

Labels run the gamut, from words like good and bad, pretty and ugly, and thin and fat. Labels also include words that I hear often when my clients talk about their person with narcissistic traits--words like loser, jerk, a-hole, etc.

Labels have two things in common. First, labels pack an emotional punch. If someone calls you a loser, or if you look in the mirror and think “I look so fat!” you’ll probably feel an uncomfortable emotion, like sadness, fear, or shame. On the other hand, if someone tells you they're proud of you, or if you look in the mirror and think, “Wow, I look so thin in this outfit!” you’re likely to feel a comfortable emotion—pride, relief, or confidence.

The emotional punch of labels is necessary, because much like vague pronouns, the second thing labels have in common is that they lack specific meanings. My clients usually question this, but it’s true.

Let's take the word fat as an example. Have you seen the meme that reads, “I wish I was as thin as I was the first time I thought I was fat”? We use the word fat all the time, but it actually has no specific meaning. If you ask ten different people what “fat” means, you’ll get ten different answers. The same is true of words like pretty and ugly, and words like loser, jerk, a-hole, and so on.   

What’s Wrong with Using Labels?

Using words with emotional intensity and no specific meaning has a strong tendency to encourage you to feel a certain uncomfortable way. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with feelings, including uncomfortable feelings, my concern is that when you focus on your feelings, that tends to lead to several unfortunate consequences.

First, of course, is that you’re feeling some kind of uncomfortable way—angry, hurt, scared, ashamed, etc. While feelings are an important source of information, feelings aren’t facts. Treating your feelings as though they are facts, when your feelings are actually untrue or inaccurate, tends to have serious unfortunate consequences.

Second, when we focus on feelings, we lose track of facts. Let's say you’d be physically healthier if you had less body fat. Labeling yourself as fat, and using the word fat to generate uncomfortable feelings, isn’t anywhere nearly as effective as acknowledging that you’d be healthier if you lost some body fat. It’s hard to take good care of your body when you loathe it!

Likewise, if you’re labeling your person with narcissistic traits, focusing on feelings makes it harder for you to think about what’s happening, and how you’ll handle it. That’s unfortunate, because staying in your thinking brain when you’re dealing with narcissistic behavior makes it far easier to stay separate, set boundaries, be assertive, and respond appropriately--all the things you want to do in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits.

There's an additional consequence to labeling when you're in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits: When you use labels, you miss out on the opportunity to describe the behavior.

Describing behavior offers you two advantages. First, it helps you to separate emotionally from their behavior. When you are able to identify, for example, that your person with narcissistic traits is engaging in denial, gaslighting, projection, or displacement, it’s easier to see the behavior for what it is—the behavior of an emotional child, who is using an ego defense to manage their feelings. You aren't justifying or rationalizing the behavior, but you are explaining it--and when we can explain things, they are usually less scary. When we aren't feeling fearful, we can stay calm and act confidently.

Second, and most importantly, describing behavior makes it crystal-clear what’s in your circle of control and what’s not. Denial, projection, and displacement are immature ego defenses that very young children understand how to use. You probably wouldn't think anything of it if an 8-year-old told you "I know you are, but what am I?" When we encounter these immature ego defenses in adults, they can be crazy-making, simply because we expect the other person to think and act like an adult. That said, whether or not someone else is willing and able to be an emotional adult is definitely outside your circle of control.

And depending on the person and their emotional state, their ability to be an emotional adult may be far outside your circle of influence. When that's the case, it makes sense to stay in your circle of control, and do what's best for you, rather than trying to influence someone who isn't interested in hearing what you have to say.

What Can You Do to Avoid Using Labels?

So, what can you do to avoid labeling yourself, or someone else? The first step is awareness. I encourage you to challenge yourself to notice at least one label a day in your own thinking. You may want to start by focusing on an area where you know you use labels often (especially if doing so hurts you!).

For example, you may want to set a goal to notice your self-talk when you're working out, showering, getting dressed, doing your hair, or putting on lotion or makeup. Or, you may want to make it a goal to notice whether you use labels when you think about or communicate with a person with narcissistic traits.

After you become more aware of your self-talk, the next step is to consider how you can change your self-talk to focus on facts, not feelings. How you do this will be unique to you, but the end game is to engage in self-talk that makes you a caring parent to yourself. When your self-talk is compassionate and connected, you're clear and reasonable, and you firmly but lovingly explain the how, what, and why about what you expect of yourself and others, you'll have an internal life that's calm and confident. You'll be on track to create a healthy lifestyle that supports a lifetime of good health and happiness.

If you find it challenging to notice your self-talk, or you need support changing your self-talk, I encourage you to work with a therapist, preferably one who specializes in weight management and/or narcissism recovery, depending on your needs. You deserve to thrive, and your self-talk is foundational to your health and happiness!

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