Displacement and Narcissism Recovery

We’ve talked about the immature ego defenses projection and lying, denial, and gaslighting in recent posts. This week we’ll be exploring another immature ego defense, displacement.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of displacement many times. Let’s jump right in, and talk about how you can identify displacement when it happens, and stay in emotional balance instead of losing your cool!

What is Displacement?

So what’s displacement, and what do you need to know about it? Displacement is the act of feeling an uncomfortable emotion, then doing something hurtful to someone else in order to make them feel uncomfortable. In other words, it’s displacing an uncomfortable emotion from self to someone else.

As with the other immature ego defenses, if you know someone with narcissistic traits, you’ll see this tool used often. That’s because it’s an immature ego defense, and children discover this tool early on in childhood.

Here’s an example of what displacement is, and how early children are engaging in displacement: Years ago, I was at a playground with my kids. Another child, who was about 4 or 5 years old, did something their parent didn’t like. Their parent got up, walked over, grabbed the child by the arm, and spanked them. The child cried until the parent left the play area and turned the corner, then stopped crying, walked over to a smaller child, who looked to be about 2 or 3 years old, and slapped the smaller child’s head. The child who’d been spanked was displacing their uncomfortable feelings (probably both emotional and physical) to the smaller child.

Why Do You Need to Know About Displacement?

If you were raised by a parent with narcissistic traits, or you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, there are several important things you to know about displacement.

First, displacement isn’t an effective strategy for managing emotions. Hurting someone else’s feelings is a temporary distraction. It doesn’t resolve the thoughts and feelings that were hurtful in the first place. The person with narcissistic traits will use displacement with the intention of feeling better…but the feeling of resolution is fleeting, and they’ll feel uncomfortable again. Expect to see your person with narcissistic traits use displacement often!

You also need to know that you’ll see displacement and another narcissistic behavior (or several!) used together often. Being on the receiving end of other narcissistic tools like projection, denial, or gaslighting usually makes people feel uncomfortable, which is the goal of displacement.

In situations where it’s hard to understand why your person with narcissistic traits is using projection, denial, or gaslighting and it seems as though there’s no reason for them to do so, it’s probably displacement at its root. Projection, denial, or gaslighting is the way they’re attempting to feel better through displacement.

How Do You Stay in Emotional Balance?

As we’ve talked about before, using immature ego defenses is part of normal childhood behavior. If children don’t have adults who can help them learn other ways to regulate their emotions, they grow up into emotionally immature adults.

If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, I can’t overstress how important it is that you use your knowledge of immature ego defenses in order to understand and fully accept these two truths: First, people with narcissistic traits will use displacement, and they will do it often!

Second, people with narcissistic traits are engaging in displacement toward you, not because of you. It’s happening because the person with narcissistic traits is emotionally immature, and engaging in immature ego defenses.

That said, it’s uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of displacement. And because displacement is often accomplished using another immature ego defense like gaslighting or projection, it can be especially challenging to stay in emotional balance.

So, if you’re in relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you need a strategy for addressing displacement. I teach my clients a set of tools that are designed to get you out of your feelings brain, and back into your thinking brain. It’s hard to be calm, confident, and courageous when you’re emotionally overwhelmed! Let’s take a look at the tools, so you can handle it calmly when it happens.

First: Manage Your Receiving Boundaries

Whenever you engage with a person with narcissistic traits, it’s your responsibility to keep in mind that ultimately, they’re an emotional 4-year-old. When they lose emotional balance, they’ll act like a 4-year-old. Having healthy receiving boundaries gives you the emotional space you need to stay calm and act confidently.

When you’re engaging with someone you know has narcissistic traits, expect displacement, and expect it at a frequency you’d expect from a 4-year-old. Often, this is challenging because people with narcissistic traits have the intellectual and physical capacity of an adult. It can be hard to remember they are emotionally immature. But that emotional immaturity means that when they’re out of emotional balance, the way they think and act will be more like a child than an adult.

To strengthen your receiving boundaries, learn to listen confidently for displacement, rather than listening fearfully. In particular, learn to listen for displacement and another immature ego defense paired together. Remember you know what’s likely to happen and why, and you have a plan to handle it. Congratulate yourself on how well-prepared you are to engage with them when you do notice displacement!

Second: Identify the Narcissistic Trait(s) Being Used

The second step is to identify what you’re hearing. Displacement is an attempt to hurt you, so the person hurting you feels less uncomfortable. Sometimes people with narcissistic traits will say unkind or hurtful things simply to be mean. Other times, displacement is paired with denial, gaslighting, or projection.

On the surface, it may see as though there’s no reason to sift through what’s happening, and identify displacement or other narcissistic tools. I’ve found it’s helpful to identify what’s happening because the act of thinking about whether you’re experiencing displacement or some other narcissistic tool engages you in the critical task of pausing and thinking.

When someone uses narcissistic tools, regardless of which one, you know there’s something wrong, and it’s easy to have a strong emotional reaction. While your feelings are an important source of information about yourself and your world, making decisions about what to say and do is usually best done from your thoughts.

And as uncomfortable as it is to deal with an adult who’s acting like a child, the other person’s behavior is outside your circle of control. It makes more sense to focus on what you can do in your circle of control, and the best way to do that is to get out of your feelings brain, and back into your thinking brain.

Third: Manage Your Giving Boundaries

Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can move on to deciding how to respond. Because engaging with an adult who acts like an emotional 4-year-old can knock you off-balance emotionally, it’s easy to fall into the trap of letting down your giving boundaries, and responding emotionally. As we’ve talked about before, this often turns into JADEing.

JADE is an acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain, which we’ve talked about here. When people hear things (especially about themselves) that aren’t true, a common response is to forget to think first about what they’re going to say, and instead, say whatever comes to mind. Often, what comes to mind is justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining.

Unfortunately, JADEing doesn’t work very well, and it definitely doesn’t work with people with narcissistic traits. As I’ve said before, if JADEing worked, you wouldn’t be here, reading this blog post right now. You’d be enjoying a happy, healthy relationship with your person with narcissistic traits!

So, in order to respond assertively instead, you’ll need to notice your thoughts, and if your thoughts include justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining, stop. Take a deep breath, and refrain from responding until you’re calm. You may need to take a walk, excuse yourself to go to the restroom, text a friend, or use another technique (like grounding techniques or tapping) to help you feel calmer. Either way, make sure you’re calm enough to avoid JADEing before moving on to the next step.

Fourth: What’s Your Goal?

You’ve decided not to JADE. So, how will you respond? Before you do, you’ll need to know why you want or need to respond. This begs the question, What’s my goal?

If your person with narcissistic traits is using only displacement, you may be able to ignore it. However, you may need to respond to displacement by setting a boundary that ensures your emotional, physical, or mental well-being.

If it’s paired with denial, gaslighting, or projection, you may need to address that as well. You may need to address projection or untruths for legal reasons, or for your safety or your child’s well-being. You may need to respond to gaslighting to make it clear you won’t question your own thoughts and feelings. These are all goals that require assertive communication, but definitely don’t require JADEing.

Before you decide what your goal is, be sure you’re keeping your circle of control in mind. Regardless of the situation, if you’re not in the other person’s circle of influence, engaging with them is unlikely to be effective unless they’re in emotional balance. And if you’re trying to influence a person with narcissistic traits when they’re using displacement, you know you’re dealing with an emotional 4-year-old—and they’re not likely to be reasonable!

Four-year-olds are self-centered (one of the hallmarks of narcissistic behavior) and have poor giving boundaries. You’re not likely to get far insisting that they treat you with respect. If you argue, defend, justify, or explain, ultimately you end up looking immature and out of control.

Fifth: What Can You Do in Your Circle of Control?

Once you’ve settled on your goal, the next question is: What can I do from my circle of control to move toward my goal? If someone is using displacement, you may need to set a boundary to protect your well-being.

Keep in mind that the only way you can set a boundary within your circle of control is to remove yourself from the situation in some way. You can ignore the other person, stop texting, hang up the phone, walk away, or leave the situation entirely. Any other boundaries require you to be in the other person’s circle of influence. You can ask someone to start or stop doing something, but whether or not they do is in their circle of control.

This is why I encourage clients to consider how they will set a boundary when they have a person with narcissistic traits visit them in their own home. It can be done, but you may not want to leave your own home if the other person is unsafe!

It can also make meeting in a public place challenging. Usually, if you meet in a public place, you can leave if you need to do so. But you’ll need to be prepared to leave if the other person crosses your boundary.

If your person with narcissistic traits is combining projection with another narcissistic tool, you may need to address the other tool. We’ve talked before about how to handle it when someone is lying, using denial, or gaslighting. We’ve also explored what to do if someone is using projection.

In all cases, remind yourself that the other person is an emotional 4-year-old in the moment, but you don’t need to be one. Be sure to respond calmly and assertively. Being out of emotional balance can make you look like you’re the emotional 4-year-old.  

Whatever you choose to do, be sure you’re making a calm, thoughtful decision and taking action that you believe will benefit you, rather than reacting to the other person’s immature ego defenses.

Depending on your childhood experiences, you may find it difficult or impossible to follow through on these steps until you unpack thoughts and feelings from childhood. In particular, if you have a moving toward or moving away personality type, it may be difficult for you to care more about your thoughts and feelings than everyone else’s.

If so, your unique life story has probably played a role in why it’s hard for you to have healthy giving and receiving boundaries. If the people who raised you didn’t affirm your thoughts and feelings, you may have learned to discount your thoughts and feelings, and find it hard to be assertive in setting boundaries.

If you find it hard to stay in emotional balance when someone is using displacement, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. It is possible to heal from childhood hurts, and learn how to stay in emotional balance when someone with narcissistic traits is engaging in immature ego defenses and other narcissistic tools!

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