Unenforceable Rules, Circle of Control, and Narcissism Recovery

should it rain on parades? or should it be sunny?

If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, it probably hasn’t been long since you thought “They shouldn’t be doing that!” or said “They should be doing this instead!” This happens because the traits of narcissism include self-centeredness, entitlement, and a lack of empathy. So, people with narcissistic traits have a tendency to do what they want, when they want, because it’s what they want to do, without regard for how others think or feel.

Or, maybe it hasn’t been long since your person with narcissistic traits told you that you should or shouldn’t be doing something, and their expectations of you were outrageous in some way. The traits of narcissism also include an unhealthy need for power and control, an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, and perfect, and the common use of the immature ego defenses of projection, denial and gaslighting, and displacement. So, it's no surprise that the things people with narcissistic traits expect are likely to be inappropriate.

Whether it's your own or someone else's should or shouldn’t thinking, it's easy to get caught up in it and end up unhappy. That's because "shoulding on yourself" is the fast track to drifting far away from your circle of control!

So, what can you do instead? I first read about unenforceable rules in Dr. Frederic Luskin’s book Forgive For Good. Unenforceable rules are invaluable in forgiving yourself and others, but understanding unenforceable rules has applications far beyond forgiveness. Let’s take a look at how you can put together unenforceable rules, circle of control, and narcissism recovery to get you back in emotional balance!

What Do Unenforceable Rules Sound Like?

If you have a moving toward personality type, chances are good your unenforceable rules lean in the direction of cooperation and caring. Here are some examples:

·        Parents should work together to do what’s best for their children

·        I’ve been nice to her, so she should be nice to me

·        He should care about how this is for me, not just about himself

Moving away personality types tend to focus on safety, and their unenforceable rules reflect this:

·        I’m following the divorce decree, and my ex should, too

·        I help him, so I shouldn’t have to ask him to help me

·        I let it slide when she was unkind to me, so she should be nicer to me now

In contrast, moving against personality types focus on power and control. An emotionally healthy moving against uses their personal power in positive ways, to help both themselves and others. An emotionally unhealthy moving against uses their personal power in negative ways, to benefit themselves at the expense of others:

·        You’ve always done this for me in the past, so you should keep doing it

·        I don’t want to care about how you feel, so I shouldn’t have to

·        Everyone is out to get what’s theirs, so I should be able to take what I can get

As you can see in these examples, unenforceable rules are grounded in how you think the world should work. Most unenforceable rules literally have the word should or shouldn’t written right into them. If you’re familiar with cognitive distortions (often called “stinking thinking”), then you already know should and shouldn’t represent illogical thinking. That’s because the problem with unenforceable rules, no matter how wonderful it might be if the world followed them, is the fact that they’re ultimately unenforceable.

It’s true that good rules are a good thing (and bad rules are a bad idea). Nevertheless, just because something is the right thing to do, the fair or just thing to do, the kind thing to do, the legal thing to do, because a rule avoids hurting others, or because people benefit from the rule, that doesn’t make a rule enforceable.

How Can Identifying Unenforceable Rules Help Me?

By sheer definition, unenforceable rules are rules you can’t insist other people follow, nor can you dole out consequences if they don’t. When you create unenforceable rules, no matter how sensible your rules might be, you are setting up a situation for yourself in which you feel powerless.

Powerlessness is a wildly uncomfortable feeling. When people feel powerless, they feel threatened. That leads people to shift into stress response mode, where they fight (get angry), flee (shut down), or fawn (be overly nice). Unfortunately, these tactics are rarely helpful when you’re dealing with someone who isn’t in your circle of influence.

If you’re generating your own powerlessness by creating and then leaning into unenforceable rules, your power lies in immediately identifying unenforceable rules, and then reframing them. When you do so, you'll find it easier to get and stay calm.

As we’ve explored in many previous posts, staying calm is invaluable in narcissism recovery. When you’re calm, you’re in your thinking brain, where you can act on what you think you should do, instead of doing what you feel like doing.

We've been talking about how to handle your own unenforceable rules. What about when your person with narcissistic traits has their own unenforceable rules? By definition, unenforceable rules are rules people come up with that they can’t enforce. This means you can also use your knowledge of unenforceable rules in your relationship with your person with narcissistic traits.

How? Let’s say your person with narcissistic traits thinks you should do something, or not do something. First, identifying their behavior as an unenforceable rule can help you stay calm by shifting you from your feeling brain to your thinking brain.

And second, if they can’t enforce their idea of how the world should work, it’s their own unenforceable rule. You can decide for yourself whether you want to do, or not do, that particular thing!

So, How Do I Deal with Unenforceable Rules?

If you find yourself using should or shouldn’t, particularly with regard to your person with narcissistic traits, it will help you tremendously to notice and address your unenforceable rules. Of course, awareness is the first and most important step. Listen carefully to your inner dialogue, and notice when you use should or shouldn’t to describe your own or others’ behavior. Think about times when you’ve fallen into the trap of unenforceable rules in the past. And make a point to listen for others’ unenforceable rules, too.

Second, when you notice that you’re using should or shouldn’t in your own thoughts or speech, stop! Go back to your circle of control LINK**. Instead of wallowing powerlessly in your unenforceable rule, accept the situation as it is. This can sound like, “They shouldn’t be doing this! But they are doing it,” or “I think they should be doing this! But they’re doing what they want to do instead.”

Third, step into your power. Ask yourself, “What can I do about this situation?” Once you consider your options, you can do what you think is best—be assertive, walk away, ignore, ask for help, etc.

Here's one last tip: I mentioned making a point to listen for other’s unenforceable rules. If you grew up with a parent with narcissistic traits, you may be so used to hearing unenforceable rules you don't even notice them when they’re being directed your way.

That’s unfortunate, because as we explored earlier, the unenforceable rules of a person with narcissistic traits will reflect all of the narcissistic traits--a lack of empathy, entitlement, self-centeredness, an unhealthy need for power and control, an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, and perfect, and the use of the immature ego defenses (displacement, projection, and denial). These traits mean those unenforceable rules probably aren’t rules that do you, or anyone else, any good to follow!

If you tend to cooperate with someone else’s unenforceable rules, it can be helpful to examine your motivation for doing so. Are you thinking if you follow their rule (i.e., if you’re nice to them) they’ll be nice to you? Or are you thinking if you follow their rule (i.e., you aren’t making waves and rocking the boat), they’ll leave you in peace?

Cooperating with someone else’s unenforceable rules might get you what you want, but if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, I encourage you to consider the past. Has being agreeable been useful in your relationship with your person with narcissistic traits, or ultimately, do they focus on getting what they want, when they want it, because they want it—and when it comes time to return the favor, the rules change, and you get nothing?

Learning to hear and respond to unenforceable rules can be challenging. If you’re feeling overwhelmed as you think about doing so, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve to thrive!

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