The Epstein Files, Information Overload, and Narcissism Recovery

If you’ve been hearing about the Epstein files, how the information is being released, and how that information is being addressed (or not), you are undoubtably noticing uncomfortable feelings coming up as you do. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, you may be noticing your response seems more intense than it is for others. You may be noticing that once you start feeling uncomfortable, it takes much longer for those feelings to fade than it seems to take others. You may want to stay informed, but find it incredibly difficult to do so without becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

It makes sense that the release of the Epstein files is especially overwhelming if you have a parent with narcissistic traits. There’s a parallel to be drawn between the contents of the Epstein files, the way in which it has been released, the response of many of the people implicated in the files, the way the information in the files is being addressed (or not)—and narcissism. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, chances are good the release of Epstein files subconsciously reminds you of your childhood experiences.

So, today we’ll take a look at how the Epstein files, information overload, and narcissism recovery are related—and explore what you can do to navigate the news.

Review the six tenets of narcissism

If you have a parent or partner with narcissistic traits, information about abuse and neglect can hit you hard. Whether the news is about governmental abuse or neglect, or about an individual being mistreated in any way, it can subconsciously trigger thoughts and feelings about your childhood.

Why? What you’ll typically see when abuse or neglect hits the news is a display of multiple tenets of narcissism. In the case of the Epstein files, four of the tenets of narcissism are on display: the unhealthy need for power and control, self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, and entitlement.

 Meanwhile, the remaining two tenets of narcissism—an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right and perfect, along with the use of the immature ego defenses of displacement, denial and gaslighting, and projection--are obvious in the responses of the people implicated in the Epstein files. In addition, whenever sexual abuse is the topic, other aspects of narcissism are present in the Epstein files—in particular, useful object, which is the inability to see others as separate human beings.

If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, you can easily see how you’ll be subconsciously reminded, over and over again, of the abuse and neglect you experienced as you read about the Epstein files. While your experiences with your narcissistic parent may have been entirely different from what you hear, the tenets are still the same. The behaviors don’t need to be identical, or even the same, for your subconscious to pick up on it. The behaviors just need to be familiar.

So, how can reviewing the tenets help? First, let’s take a look at what reviewing the tenets isn’t intended to do. The intent of reviewing the six tenets of narcissism is not to justify or rationalize abusive or neglectful behavior.

Instead, the intent behind recalling the tenets is twofold. First, doing so will help you prepare for encountering difficult information by shifting you from your feeling brain to your thinking brain.

Second, when you’re in your thinking brain, it’s easier to stay in the present moment, where you are a capable, informed adult. This will help you avoid getting caught up on how information relates to your past, and keep you calmer. When you’re calmer, it’ll be easier to…

Notice your thoughts and feelings, and regulate them

Have you ever wondered how therapists handle hearing about trauma all day long? It may sound counterintuitive, but one of the techniques therapists employ is conscious awareness of their own thoughts and feelings.

Here’s how I visualize it: I see a beautiful coffee table between my client and me. This coffee table holds my client's thoughts and feelings.

Then I imagine a smaller coffee table off to my side. My own thoughts and feelings that come up in session go on the small coffee table next to me. This imagery allows me to keep my thoughts and feelings separate from my client’s.

This is a skill I teach in couples and family sessions, and it’s useful in dealing with information overload as well. When you notice your small coffee table is starting to overflow, that’s a clear sign it’s time to take a break, and shift to self-care and self-nurturing. Uncomfortable information is always available. You can return to it when you’re feeling more grounded.

Use grounding tools

Speaking of being grounded, grounding tools can help you "unclutter your coffee table" as you're taking in uncomfortable information. Grounding tools reconnect you with your physical senses, so you can return to the present moment. Here are some popular grounding tools:

·        Run cold water over your hands, or gently splash cold water on your face

·        Press your palms together, or press your feet into the ground

·        Using box breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts) or use 4-7-5 breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, breathe out for 5 counts)

·        Use 5-4-3-2-1 – describe, in a full sentence, 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and one thing you taste

·        Notice your self-talk, and talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love

·        Notice whether your anger is calm, or whether it’s actually fear LINK**. If you’re feeling fear, address it: Ask what the fear is, and what you need to feel safe

Be aware of your limits, and respect your limits lovingly

The access to information that the internet provides is one of the most amazing things about being alive in this era. That said, nothing is all good or all bad, and the ability to access information from around the world, 24/7, has both its advantages and disadvantages. As long as you have internet access, you can fall into the rabbit hole of researching any topic, any time, for an unlimited amount of time.

But as the saying goes, Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Like everyone else, you have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to engage in self-care, self-nurturing, and necessary tasks. While the internet may have an unlimited amount of information, you have a limited amount of time. As a human being, you also have a limit to what you can tolerate when it comes to abuse and neglect, before you need to take a break.

So, set a time limit before you go on the internet. Think about how much time you have this month, this week, this day, to spend on the internet, and honor that limit. If you need to, set a timer. But before you set that timer…

Plan ahead for self-care and self-nurturing

While you’re thinking about how much time you have to spend hearing about uncomfortable news, keep in mind that you’ll need some time to decompress afterward. The reality of the world is that it’s neither all good, nor all bad—it’s a mix of both. Spending time absorbing uncomfortable feelings disconnects you from the good, and focuses you only on the bad.

One way to transition you from the all bad back to the mix of good and bad is to plan ahead for self-care and self-nurturing. Self-care includes taking care of your body’s needs for healthy eating, physical activity, sleep, hydration, connection with others, and connection with something greater than self. So, some examples might include taking your dog for a walk or spending time in nature, meeting a friend at the gym, or spending time in meditation or prayer.

Self-nurturing includes engaging in activities you find relaxing or enjoyable. You might consider making a healthy meal, calling or meeting up with a friend, or engaging in a creative activity you enjoy. Whether you experiment with self-care or self-nurturing (or both!), the idea is to deliberately transition from uncomfortable feelings to comfortable feelings.

One last thing about self-care and self-nurturing: I encourage you to focus on self-care and self-nurturing, and steer clear of indulgence. Indulgence can feel very tempting after you’ve encountered uncomfortable feelings. The metamessage underneath indulgence, however, is often I know I’m not going to get what I need, so I might as well get what I want! Instead of falling into the indulgence trap, it makes more sense to have a plan to meet your needs instead.

Stay in your circle of control—and act in it!

The definition of trauma includes feeling powerless. As you encounter uncomfortable information, you may be feeling powerless because it seems as though there’s nothing you can do. This is especially likely when abuse and neglect happens on the national or international level.

One of the best things about circle of control is that it helps you identify what isn’t in your control—so you can focus on what is! Here are a few examples of ways to respond to narcissistic abuse and neglect on the local, national, or international level:

·        Take care of yourself. You are also part of the global community, so when you take care of yourself, you are taking care of your small part of the world.

·        Share your story. This may mean telling your story in your journal, to a caring listener, or going public on social media. Do what’s safe for you.

·        Live a life of integrity. Don’t ignore or make excuses for your own or someone else’s behaviors.

·        Make amends. If you’ve hurt someone, find a way to give back to them or to someone else.

·        Get involved in your community.

·        Seek out global communities that share your perspectives.

·        Support others as they share their story.

·        Support media that calls out abuse and neglect.

·        Volunteer with, or donate to, organizations that help victims of abuse and neglect.

Uncomfortable information is, by sheer definition, uncomfortable to take in. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, managing uncomfortable information is even more challenging. If you’re struggling to engage with uncomfortable information, I encourage you to seek out a trauma-informed therapist, preferably one who is familiar with narcissism recovery. Healing from past hurts will allow you to share your gifts and talents, so you can make your corner of the world a healthier, happier place!

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