Decision Making, Locus of Focus, and Narcissism Recovery

Do you struggle with making decisions? It’s not uncommon for adult children of a parent with narcissistic traits to have difficulty making up their own mind. The more significant the decision, the more challenging it can be to decide what to do without consulting your parent first.

This happens because what I refer to as locus of focus—your ability to think for yourself—strongly influences decision making. In turn, your locus of focus is strongly influenced by the way you were raised as a child. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, and making decisions is challenging for you, you’ll benefit from understanding more about decision making, locus of focus, and narcissism recovery!

Parentification and decision making

We’ve talked before about parentification, one of the many consequences of being raised by a parent with narcissistic traits. In parentification, the child steps into the adult role. This can happen when a child is forced to fend for themselves and has to figure out how to manage social situations, be responsible for their personal hygiene, take care of younger siblings, or make sure their homework gets done and they get themselves to school.

Because there are different types of narcissism, your experience might have been one of chronic parentification. When you went to your parent, they weren’t there for you, in one way or another. Perhaps they ignored you, minimized your concerns, or gave you information or advice that wasn’t helpful (or perhaps not even true!). You learned early on to depend on yourself.

As we discussed here, addressing parentification includes learning how to see yourself as capable, and learning how to ask for help. But what if your parent with narcissistic traits was controlling, not neglectful?

Power and control, and the narcissistic parent  

Some parents with narcissistic traits swing the opposite direction. They are controlling—not in an autocratic parenting kind of way, in which they have strict rules for children. That may happen as well, but I’m referring here to controlling narcissistic parents who are enmeshed with their child, and overinvolved in their child’s life.

A controlling narcissistic parent running your life can happen regardless of your family role, because people with narcissistic traits have an unhealthy need for power and control. That said, it’s especially common for the golden or hero child. The golden or hero child is responsible for representing the family in the way the narcissistic parent wants. So, the narcissistic parent has to keep close tabs on how things are going!

Regardless of your family role, if you have a controlling narcissistic parent, your parent made decisions for you, both big and small. They chose your hairstyle, your friends, your pet, what kind of birthday cake you like, and so on. When you challenged them, they used guilt or shame to put you back in your place. You grew up hearing things like, “You never appreciate anything I do for you!” or “If I’m so horrible, how come things have gone so well for you?”

If your parent ran your life for you, you were robbed of the opportunities to make decisions as a child and teen. This matters, because the decisions you make as a child or teen tend to have far less severe consequences than the decisions you make as an adult. It’s better to make mistakes and learn from them as a child or teen, so when you get to adulthood, you have some practice—and some confidence!

Another consequence of a controlling narcissistic parent is that teenagers miss out on the opportunity for individuation. Individuation is a normal part of adolescence, in which teenagers separate from their parents morally. In individuation, teens begin the process of deciding for themselves what they believe the right and wrong things to do are, and begin to act in ways that are in accord with their moral beliefs.

So how does this relate to locus of focus?

Individuation is the foundation of what I refer to as locus of focus. Locus of focus refers to where you focus yourself when you make decisions: Do you look inside, at what you believe is the right or wrong thing to do? Or do you look to someone or something else to tell you how to think, feel, or act?

When you’re thriving, you have a healthy internal locus of focus. You know what you believe are the right and wrong things to do. When you have questions or concerns, you can ask for help, and you can get the help you need to clarify a decision, or make decisions about topics that are new to you.

For adult children who experienced high levels of parentification, you probably have a more internal locus of focus. Decision making can be still be challenging, because you made lots of decision-making mistakes as a child. You tend to depend on yourself to make decisions, but you fear the outcome. Learning how to confidently make decisions is grounded in trusting that whatever happens, you can handle it, and if you need to, you can ask for help.

In contrast, if you had a controlling narcissistic parent, chances are decision making is challenging because you have an external locus of focus. That is, you look outside yourself when it comes to making decisions. The more serious the decision, the more external your locus of focus becomes.

Why is locus of focus important?

Locus of focus matters for several reasons. First, if you’re relying on someone else as your locus of focus, you have to depend on them to be available. If you rely on your narcissistic parent, on a practical level, the natural order of things is that children outlive their parents. When your parent is no longer available to rely upon to make your decisions, then what?

Relying on your narcissistic parent as your locus of focus is especially problematic. Parents with narcissistic traits see their children as useful objects. That means narcissistic parents make decisions about and for their children with themselves, not their children, in mind.

Examples include choosing or influencing significant life decisions, like the choice of friends, career, or partner, but may also include daily decisions, like choice of haircut, whether to wear glasses or contacts, or how to dress. The parent doesn’t choose these things based on what’s good for the child. They choose based on what will please the parent.

It may seem easier to allow a parent with narcissistic traits to make your decisions for you, but eventually, the parent’s decisions for you will be in conflict with what you want for your life. Some people manage this by lying to their parent about what they’re actually doing. Others manage it by avoiding the parent altogether. But many adult children of narcissistic parents continue to go along with the parent’s dictates, whether those dictates are healthy or helpful, because they don’t want to upset their parent.

Either way, when your focus is highly external, it’s harder to manage self-integrity.  This is in conflict with thriving—where you know and love yourself unconditionally, and you see yourself as capable. When you love yourself unconditionally, you want to take good care of yourself. And when you see yourself as capable, you believe you can do what it takes or ask for help—and that includes making good decisions, even if those decisions aren’t what someone else wants you to do.

So how do I get to an internal locus of focus?

Imagine that locus of focus is a game board spinner, and imagine yourself spinning the arrow. If your locus of focus is external, the spinner points at a variety of locations, including you, after you spin it. Ultimately, though, the arrow lands on someone else, and that person makes the decision about the situation.

When your locus of focus is internal, the spinner points at a variety of locations as it spins, but the arrow lands on you. You take in what others have to say, but ultimately, you assume responsibility for the decision.

Circle of control can be a tremendous help in identifying your locus of focus. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, your parent probably worked overtime to convince you that you are responsible for how your parent feels. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Your parent’s actions, thoughts, and feelings are in their circle of control, not yours. You may be able to influence your parent’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, but because you cannot control them, you are not responsible for them. That responsibility belongs to your parent!

So, when you make decisions for yourself, your parent’s thoughts and feelings about that decision are squarely in their circle of control, not yours. It’s not your responsibility to walk on eggshells and ensure that you only do things that please them, because they can’t handle how they think and feel. Instead, it’s their responsibility to learn how to manage their own thoughts and feelings.

If you want to get better at locus of focus, you’ll want to get more skilled at ensuring the spinner lands on you. That way, you're making decisions based on what you believe are the right and wrong things to do! To get the spinner to land on you every time you spin it, it helps to practice circle of control throughout your day. Here are some ways to practice:

• Read or listen to the news, and when you hear about an event that is important to you, think of one thing you can do that’s in your circle of control to make a positive impact, and follow through. What you do could be something small, like sharing a post on social media, or commenting to boost someone else’s post. The idea is to practice identifying what’s in your circle of control!

• When someone talks about an event in their life, ask yourself what part of the event is in that person’s circle of control, circle of influence, and circle of no control or influence.

• When someone tells you something is your fault or you’re to blame, pause. Ask yourself what part of the event is in your circle of control, your circle of influence, or your circle of no control or influence. Notice what you’re actually responsible for—that is, what’s in your circle of control?

  
  

If the idea of separating from pleasing your parent with narcissistic traits sounds overwhelming, and you’re struggling to make decisions on your own, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve to thrive!

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