Yes, There Are Different Types of Narcissism, and You Need to Know Them All

in the same way that people look different, different kinds of moving against traits means narcissism can look different from person to person

Perhaps you can relate to this story, which I’ve heard from many of my clients: “I dated this guy who was absolutely awful to me. I finally realized he was a narcissist, and ended the relationship. When I met my current partner, he was so different from my ex that I thought, There’s no way he can be a narcissist. Fast forward a year, and he’s still nothing like my ex. But I’ve realized my friends and family are right—he’s just as narcissistic as my ex. Not in the same way, but just as narcissistic in his own way.”

If you’re in narcissism recovery, this may sound terrifying. The last thing you want after ending a narcissistic relationship with someone narcissistic is to date someone else with narcissistic traits!

And it’s not just romantic relationships that should give you cause for concern. If you have a parent with narcissistic traits, you’re at risk for being attracted to, and attractive to, people who have narcissistic traits in friendships and the workplace, too.

So, how do people go from one type of narcissist to another? Why does it happen so often? And most importantly, what can you do to make sure it doesn’t happen to you?

Throughout this year, we’ve talked about many of the skills you can use to avoid this. You’ll want to know the six tenets of narcissistic behavior, avoid rushing the relationship, and know your red, orange, and yellow flags before you start dating, so you know what to look for when you do. (The flags work for friendships and the workplace, too.)

That said, narcissistic personality disorder is, obviously, a personality disorder. That means narcissistic behavior is directly connected to personality. After dating someone with narcissistic traits, you may be assuming that, since you’ve figured out what a “narcissistic personality” is like, all you need to do is avoid partners, bosses, or friends with that personality type, and you’ll be good moving forward.

Alas, personality is more complicated than that. We’ve talked before about Dr. Karen Horney’s book Our Inner Conflicts and how Horney explains personality as moving toward, moving against, or moving away. We’ve explored how it’s the moving against personality type that is at risk for becoming narcissistic (or any other type of Cluster B personality disorder), because moving againsts are naturally less empathetic, more self-centered, and more entitled.

Horney also observed that although there’s some overlap in moving against behavior, some moving againsts favor power and control, while others favor being seen as good, right, and perfect. And some prefer to use image to exert power and control over others. She referred to this as “conflicting [personality] trends,” and observed that someone presenting as “the strongest” will look different than if they present as “the shrewdest,” which will look different from the “most sought after.”

Those “conflicting trends” are how you can go from one narcissistic relationship to another, trying to avoid the characteristics of the last relationship, and still end up with someone who’s just as narcissistic, just in an entirely different way. While there are similarities between the types of narcissistic behavior, understanding the basics of narcissistic behaviors is not enough. There are different types of narcissistic personalities, and you need to know them all!

On a closely related side note, Dr. Robin Stern observed three types of gaslighters in her book The Gaslight Effect. These three types—the Glamour Gaslighter, the Good-Guy Gaslighter, and the Intimidator Gaslighter—align perfectly with Horney’s observations. If you’d rather read a more modern text, or if you want support managing gaslighting along with learning about personality types, I strongly recommend The Gaslight Effect!

So, whether you’re dating, establishing new friendships, considering a new workplace, or trying to make sense of the relationships you’re in right now, here’s what you want to look for:

The Image Narcissist

This is the classic narcissist, with the house on the hill overlooking the city, luxury cars, a Rolex watch, a boat, a summer home, and brand-name clothing. If they can’t afford the best, they’ll spend all they have (and more) to buy the best they possibly can.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing well financially, or enjoying the finer things in life. But for the Image narcissist, it’s not about being financially secure, or about life’s pleasures. Their belief is that if they can control their image, they can control how you think about them.

If you grew up with an image-based parent, you were required to look and act a certain way, not because it was the right thing to do, but because what other people might think is more important than how you think or feel. They likely showered you with expensive gifts and opportunities, whether you wanted them or not. And when you express any dissatisfaction about anything at all, they remind you of the things they’ve bought and the opportunities they’ve given you (even if you didn’t want those things or opportunities!). If that doesn’t work, they remind you that they’ll be devastated if others think poorly of them because of you.

If your date showers you with flowers, whisks you off to an expensive vacation, wears only this season’s clothes and shoes, leases an expensive car and trades it out regularly, and expects you to fall for them because their image is flawless, you might be dating an Image narcissist.

In the workplace, image narcissists often look like generous, thoughtful bosses or co-workers—on the surface. They have to, because like the other narcissistic types, they need the other-esteem they didn’t get as children.

But under the surface, image narcissists are fearful—and demanding. Like other narcissistic types, they expect to want what they want when they want it. They use generosity and thoughtfulness to appear as though they see, hear, and care about you, when in fact, what they’re after is your other-esteem. As with other narcissistic types, they’ll use intermittent reinforcement (often referred to as breadcrumbing, where they give you what you want or need just often enough to keep you hopeful) to keep you in the relationship. What starts off as though you’ll enjoy an abundance ends up feeling unfulfilling.

The Good, Right, and Perfect Narcissist

Everyone wants to be seen as good, right, and perfect, but people with this variation on a theme of narcissism are on the horns of a dilemma. They simultaneously hold all of the other tenets of narcissism—self-centeredness, entitlement, an unhealthy need for power and control—and they have an unhealthy need to be seen as good, right, and perfect.

Typical of this type is the parent who has time to be involved in other children’s lives, but doesn’t have time to attend their own child’s parent-teacher meetings, athletic events, concerts, and award ceremonies. Being a caring parent is an expectation, and when parents follow through, there’s no fanfare. You aren’t seen as good, right, and perfect for doing what’s expected. So, good, right, and perfect narcissists don’t bother with doing what’s expected, and instead, use their resources to engage in efforts others will admire. They need that other-esteem they didn’t get as children, and they will use their partner and children to get it in adulthood!

When this type does show up for their child’s events, the good, right, and perfect parent makes the focus about themselves. They’ll talk about how much effort it is to bring their child to practice, or talk about their own childhood successes and accomplishments. The child of the good, right, and perfect parent just can’t win!

In dating, the workplace, and friendships, this type will follow all the rules. They’ll arrange events, show up on time, bring flowers, shower you with compliments, listen carefully while you’re talking and ask good questions, pay for dinner and your ride home, ask about your family, help you move, bring you a thoughtful housewarming gift, or do whatever they think good, right, and perfect looks like. You may believe you’ve finally met your Prince or Princess Charming, found the perfect workplace, or met the world’s most amazing BFF!

Unfortunately, it stops being dreamlike when the mask comes off. Their behavior is strategic, designed to lure you in until they can take off the mask, and focus their energies on getting their narcissistic wants and needs met. All of that close attention that seems like getting to know you? Nope. They want to know things about you in order to have power and control over you. And all of the kind, generous things they’ve done for you? Transactional, and sooner or later, they’ll expect you to do what they want, when they want, because they want you to do it.

The Power and Control Narcissist

We all want to feel we have personal power, and can exert control over our lives. The power and control narcissist, however, takes this to an unhealthy extreme. These narcissists are the least likely to be concerned about being seen as good, right, and perfect, so they tend to have lower regard for social constructs, including rules and laws. This type intuitively understands that knowledge is power. They play their cards close to their chest, so they listen carefully when you’re talking, and they don’t give away much about themselves.

If you have a parent who is a power and control narcissist, you probably describe them as a “Jekyll and Hyde” parent. One moment, they’re sweet, kind, loving, and protective. But once they’re upset, there’s no limit to their anger. And there’s no limit to the things they’ll say and do to pressure you to do what they want you to do. Rules and laws aren’t as important as getting what they want, when they want, because they want it!

In dating, friendships, and the workplace, power and control narcissists often start off as charming, take-control individuals. For moving towards and moving aways, who are far less comfortable with confrontation, power and control narcissists can come across as the proverbial knight on a white horse, willing and able to rescue you. The lure of a power and control narcissist can be intense!

You may believe the coziness of feeling protected is worth putting up with their emotional four-year-old behavior. This can work for a period of time, but it’s exhausting to take care of four-year-olds. It’s downright tiresome to be in an adult relationship with someone who acts like a child.

Or, you may believe it’ll be worth the effort it’ll require to heal their inner emotional four-year-old. Unfortunately, if they’re narcissistic enough, it’s unlikely to happen without professional help. If they’re far enough down the narcissistic spectrum, it’s unlikely to happen at all, with or without professional help.

Putting It All Together to Make It Work for You

If you’re working hard on narcissism recovery, the last thing you want to do is date a different type of narcissist, get a new job in a company that’s narcissistic, or start up new friendships with people with narcissistic traits. So, what can you do when you’re dating, job-hunting, or meeting new people?

• The single most important thing you can do is give relationships time. Don’t rush into a relationship physically, emotionally, relationally, or financially. Don’t believe everything you hear. And don’t assume that just because your date handles a challenging situation well one time, that’s who they are as a person.

• When you can’t give relationships time—for example, in a job interview—look for clues to determine whether someone is a moving against. Then, determine whether they are a healthy moving against, or an emotional four-year-old. How can you do this? Observe how the company and interviewer treat you. Notice if you’re justifying or excusing the company’s or the interviewer’s behavior. Watch how your interviewer talks to and about other people. Notice how you feel when you’re communicating with them. Ask questions about how challenges have been handled in the past, and see if they’re handled in an emotionally mature way. And as we discussed with dating, don’t make assumptions about others’ behavior.

• Look for the other tenets of narcissism before deciding someone is narcissist or not. There’s nothing wrong with having money and spending it, wanting to do the right thing, or using your personal power. But narcissism distorts these entirely normal, healthy behaviors, because the person with narcissistic traits is, underneath the surface, an emotional four-year-old. So, listen for the immature ego defenses of projection, denial and gaslighting, and displacement. And notice if the other person is self-centered or unempathetic.

• The most common red flag I hear from people who have ended a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits is “I don’t know what went wrong—they were perfect!” That’s the reddest of the red flags. This is especially true if they go for years, and you can’t find any orange or yellow flags. No one is perfect, and as my great-grandmother used to say, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t.”

• Look for the orange and yellow flags as you’re dating, looking for a new job, or making friends. If you meet someone who is both so deeply concerned with perfection, and able to pull off the illusion of perfection, I encourage you to ask yourself two questions. First, what it is about perfection that’s so important to this person? And second, given what you know about how hard it is to be perfect, how much practice do they have in looking perfect?

• Think it over before you settle into a relationship because the other person makes you feel lovable, beautiful, smart, capable, caring, supported, protected, etc. People with narcissistic traits commonly assess what you lack, and make a show about giving it to you—until they don’t. They may tell you how beautiful/handsome you are, how smart or capable you are, speak up for you, or pay your way. Once you get used to it, they’ll use your desire for other-esteem or other-concept, protection, or financial support to keep you in the relationship. Validation is a healthy and important part of a relationship, but if you’re relying on someone else to tell you what’s great about you, you’re at high risk for being lured into a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits.

• In triadic Enneagram theory, it’s possible to be both a Power and Control Narcissist and an Image Narcissist. It’s also possible to be a Good, Right, and Perfect Narcissist and an Image Narcissist. If you think your parent, boss or co-worker, friend, or date/partner might be both, you might be right!

Personality is an unbelievably broad topic, and understanding narcissistic traits and behaviors can be challenging, especially if you had a parent with narcissistic traits. If you’re struggling to get out of narcissistic relationships, or you’re struggling with finding and enjoying new healthy relationships, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve to thrive!

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