How to Identify and Address Triangulation in Narcissism Recovery

If you’re in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you’ve probably experienced triangulation. Because it’s a tool that’s grounded in power and control, it’s often used by people with narcissistic traits. So, it's important to be able to identify and address triangulation when it happens.

What is triangulation? Triangulation is bringing a third person into a two-person relationship, with the intent to have power and control over the other person in some way. This can be done in a physical, mental, or emotional sense.

You may see triangulation in parent-child relationships, or in adult relationships, whether they’re professional or personal relationships. Regardless of the relationship, the person triangulating is attempting to have emotional power and control over the other person by bringing in a third person in some way.

In the parent-child relationship, triangulation happens in family roles and the favoritism that come along with them. The narcissistic parent uses triangulation to put down the family scapegoat, and elevate the family golden child or hero child.

One way you see this is in the form of comparison. Parents with narcissistic traits are emotionally immature, and instead of seeing themselves as responsible for teaching their children what they need to know, they expect their children to already know, or to teach themselves.

So, you’ll hear things like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Your sister was able to do that when she was a year younger than you!” Instead of teaching, your parent compares you to a third person, with the intent of shaming you. Then they feel powerful and in control!

A parent can also triangulate a child into their relationship with their partner. In this dynamic, the parent usually favors one child (although the parent may rotate attention between children). The parent spends their time and shares their thoughts and feelings with the child, instead of being in relationship with their partner. This form of parentification is terrifying for the triangulated child, who is in the position of trying to emotionally and mentally support an adult, when they themselves are a child or teenager.

In adult relationships, triangulation can look like having a physical or emotional affair. While affairs happen for other reasons, a person may bring another person into the relationship as a distraction from the problems in the relationship. Triangulation can also include your partner deliberately flirting in ways you’re uncomfortable with, or being told that you’re looking at others, flirting with them, etc., when in fact you are not.

And, similar to the family dynamic, triangulation is often in the form of comparison. In the workplace, you may be compared to other employees. This is often accomplished by comparing you negatively to a previous employee. This creates plenty of room to exaggerate the previous employee’s skills and abilities.

In partnerships, you may be compared to your partner’s parent, sibling, or ex. Regardless of whom the person with narcissistic traits decides to triangulate into your relationship, you always come up short. An excellent example is the client whose partner told her that although she and his ex were about the same height, his ex’s shoe size was smaller than hers. My client wanted to spend the session talking about whether she was lovable despite the fact that she had feet one size bigger than her partner’s ex.

This fear of being unlovable was exactly what her partner with narcissistic traits was hoping for, of course. Her fear encouraged her to think of herself as a useful object, rather than an unconditionally lovable unique human being. As a useful object, her focus was to try to be who he wanted her to be, instead of loving herself for who she is. (Naturally, I wanted to talk about why his ex’s feet were being triangulated into her current relationship!)

This kind of triangulation can be absolutely crazy-making, because the things they bring up in their comparisons may be inconsequential (like the size of your feet). Still, it’s easy to feel less-than when they compare you. Instead of thinking about whether it’s true, whether you agree, or whether it’s important at all, you may find yourself scrabbling to bring up your estimation in their eyes.  

Another common form of triangulation my clients find unnerving and incomprehensible is when their ex makes an effort to maintain contact with them, despite having a new partner. Engaging in this behavior is easy to understand in light of the reason people with narcissistic traits use triangulation—power and control. If you respond to them, the person with narcissistic traits feels powerful.

It’s the same power a toddler feels when they turn the light switch in the living room off and on, and every adult in the living room notices. Because your person with narcissistic traits is an emotional 4-year old, you can expect to see this kind of behavior.

Now that you’re familiar with what triangulation is, and why it happens, what can you do about it? Awareness is the first step in addressing it. If you grew up with a parent with narcissistic traits, and particularly, if you were the scapegoat in your family of origin, you may not notice triangulation when it’s happening. You may be used to being compared unfairly to others, or being told that you deserve to feel less-than, and it’s no surprise when it happens in adult relationships.

Once you become aware of triangulation, healthy boundaries are the next step. You’ll need to pull up your drawbridge, and refuse to take in the message you’re hearing. If you’re getting calls, emails, or texts from your ex that don’t require a response, you may choose to ignore them. If your parent, boss, or partner is comparing you unfairly, you can decide how you want to think or feel about it. What you say, do, think, and feel is in your circle of control. You don’t have to agree with, or respond to, everything you hear!

Finally, depending on the circumstances, you may choose to call out the comparison. In my client’s case, the next time her partner brought up his ex’s shoe size, my client directly addressed it by asking why he was bringing his ex into their relationship.  

Or, you can consider using assertive communication to address the comparison indirectly. If your boss is comparing you to a previous employee, you might say, “It’s a shame that employee decided to leave, isn’t it?” If your partner compares you to their ex, you might respond with “I feel hurt when you compare me to your ex.”

If you struggle to feel worthy to challenge triangulation when it happens, or you need support personalizing how to address triangulation, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve a lifetime of health and happiness!

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