Boundaries, Gray Rock, and Narcissism Recovery

are you good at being a gray rock?

Recently we talked about displacement, which along with denial and projection, make up the three most common immature ego defenses you’ll see if you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. In that post, I mentioned the importance of setting boundaries with someone who’s using displacement against you.

Setting boundaries is, of course, a necessary part of relationships, regardless of whether someone is using an immature ego defense. That said, setting boundaries can be a challenge under the best of circumstances. And whether you’re countering displacement or some other narcissistic tool, boundary-setting can be far more challenging when you’re communicating with someone with narcissistic traits.

In part, this can happen if you’re not crystal-clear on how boundaries work. Clients often come in to session upset because they set a boundary, and it had no effect. When we explore what happened, it becomes clear they believe “setting a boundary” means “telling someone else what they can or cannot do.”

While that’s part of setting a boundary, it’s only half of boundary-setting. The other half of boundary-setting is enforcing your boundaries, which requires you to acknowledge that the other person is, at best, in your circle of influence, not your circle of control .

Because this is true, before you set a boundary, you need to be prepared to enforce it, from your circle of control, if the other person decides they don’t want to do what you’ve told them to do. In other words, you need to have a plan for what you’ll do if the other person chooses not to respect your boundary.

If you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, truly understanding circle of control, circle of influence, and their relationship to boundary-setting is essential. As we’ve talked about before, people with narcissistic traits have the emotional skills of a 4-year-old, particularly when they’re out of emotional balance. In the same way that it’s challenging to reason with a 4-year-old, if you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, you’ll more often than not discover that you’re not in their circle of influence, and they have no intention of respecting your boundaries!

So, what can you do if you need to set a boundary, and the other person isn’t in your circle of influence? In adult relationships, gray rock is a commonly-used consequence. In online circles, gray rock is a wildly popular strategy for managing narcissistic behavior, perhaps because it’s incredibly easy to explain: In gray rocking, you ignore the other person. That’s it! No matter what the person with narcissistic traits says or does, you ignore them.

People often assume the challenge of gray rocking is learning to ignore someone who is using a narcissistic tool like gaslighting, displacement, or projection. It’s true that ignoring narcissistic behavior can be challenging, and we’ll take a look at some strategies to make it easier.

But in fact, the real challenge of gray rocking is knowing when to use it. There are times when gray rock is an excellent tool to use, and times when using gray rock is likely to make things worse. And while gray rock can be effective in some circumstances, it can backfire when used with people with narcissistic traits. It’s important to use it only when it’s the right tool to use!

So, I encourage clients to ask a series of questions before deciding whether to use gray rock or not:

Question #1: What narcissistic behaviors are happening?

Let’s say you and a person with narcissistic traits went to court, and even though they blatantly lied to the judge, you prevailed, and the court case is closed. You receive an email later that day from the person with narcissistic traits, in which they accuse you of lying in court.  

Your first step is to identify the narcissistic behaviors. In this case, they’re repeating the denial and projection they demonstrated in court, and what underlies it is displacement. Like a 4-year-old, they expect to get what they want, when they want, because they want it. When you prevailed in court, this went against their immature expectations. Now they’re using the immature ego defenses to manage their emotions, because they don’t have more mature ways of identifying and regulating their feelings.

The intent behind asking and answering Question #1 is to get you from your feelings brain back into your thoughts. While your feelings are an important source of information about you and your world, your feelings are rarely a good way to decide how to act. It’s usually better to act from your thoughts, informed by your feelings, rather than act from your feelings, informed by your thoughts.

Question #2: What’s my goal?

Now that you’re back in your thinking brain and you’re feeling reasonably calm, asking the question, What’s my goal? gets you focused on what you want to accomplish in your communication.

It’s important to consider whether or not you need to take action. Sometimes you can use gray rock and simply ignore the person with narcissistic traits. But, as the saying goes, not doing something is doing something. You may need to respond to maintain a boundary, to protect yourself or your child, or for legal reasons. If so, gray rock is obviously not the right tool to use.

Going back to the example above, your answer might be, “To tell them to stop emailing me!” or “To tell them I know the truth and they can't gaslight me like this!” Once you know your goal, you’re ready to move on to the next set of questions.

Question #3: What’s in my circle of control? My circle of influence? No control or influence?

You know that the only things in your circle of control are what you think, say, and do. So, asking what’s in your control, influence, or no control or influence will help you focus on what you can do, and avoid saying or doing things that are pointless.

In this example, what’s in your circle of control?

·        You can decide to respond to their email

·        You can decide to ignore their email

What’s in your circle of influence?

·        People who care about what you say, and how you think and feel

What’s in your circle of no control or influence?

·        People who don’t care about what you say, and how you think and feel

At the time the person with narcissistic traits emailed you, they were likely far outside your circle of influence. By the time you email, they might be in your circle of influence, but they may not. And as soon as you bring up the court case they lost, you'll probably be right back in their circle of no control or influence!

If the person with narcissistic traits is outside your circle of influence, the odds that they’ll respect your boundary to stop emailing you is unlikely. They’re unlikely to care if you know the truth. And there’s nothing you can do to make them stop emailing you.

In fact, telling them you want them to stop emailing you may encourage them to do more of what you don’t want! This is because whether or not they email you is squarely in their circle of control, and people with narcissistic traits have unhealthy need to feel powerful.

If, after considering Question #3, you determine that your goal isn’t within your circle of control or your circle of influence, you’ll want to return to Question #2, and revisit your goal. Goals like “To tell them to stop emailing me!” or “To tell them that I know the truth and they can’t gaslight me like this!” might be essential actions you need to take, but ask yourself honestly: Is my goal to accomplish some practical task, or to feel better emotionally?

If your goal is to help you feel better emotionally, ask yourself: Is this person with narcissistic traits someone I’ve relied on in the past to help me feel better emotionally? Are they in a headspace right now to help me feel better emotionally? Or am I thinking about engaging in displacement?

While you may think letting off some steam in the direction of your person with narcissistic traits will help you feel better, it probably won’t last long, because that’s how displacement works. When my clients are considering using displacement, I encourage them to keep in mind that when they do so, they are teaching their person with narcissistic traits exactly what behaviors get under my client's skin, and how they can push my client’s buttons in the future.

So, going back to the example here, you’ve already won in court, there’s nothing you can do to make your ex stop emailing you, and you don’t need to respond to the email. A better goal would be “I need to remember my ex has the emotional life of a 4-year old, and they don’t care about the truth, they just want to argue with me until I get upset. They are upset and want to displace that feeling on to me. I need to ignore my ex’s attempt to get me to argue with them, and talk about how I feel with someone else.” This situation is a great time to use gray rock!

Tips for Using Gray Rock

So, let’s say you’ve gone through the three Questions and decided gray rock is the right tool to use. You’ve gotten to the easy part, right? All you have to do is ignore them!

If you’ve been in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits for any length of time, you already know that ignoring is more challenging than it might seem. Let’s take a look at some tips to make using gray rock easier:

·        Keep in mind that because people with narcissistic traits have the emotional life of a 4-year-old, you can expect a person with narcissistic traits to continue to engage with you, even if you ignore them. This is especially true if you’ve responded in the past when your person with narcissistic traits uses narcissistic tools.

In this example, you can predict that your ex is probably going to email you again (and again and again). Be expecting it, and be prepared to continue to ignore it. Remember, they have the emotional life of a 4-year-old! Plan ahead for how you’ll regulate your thoughts and feelings.

·        If you’ve gone through the steps outlined above, you’ve already uncovered one tip to making gray rock easier to use: You’ve identified what’s in your circle of control or influence, and what’s not. Stay in your circle of control! Once you get outside your circle of control, you have no control. Stay in your circle, allow what you do to radiate out into your circle of influence, and focus your energy on what you do control.

Again, using this example, what’s in your circle of control is ignoring them, and talking about your feelings with someone else.

·        Once you’re back in your circle, remind yourself of your goal. In our example here, the goal is to remember your ex just wants to argue so you get upset and they feel better because you feel worse.

·        Avoid using absolutes like always, forever, and never in your thinking. If you’re thinking “I’ll have to put up with this for the rest of my life!” or “This will never end!” it’s easy to feel discouraged and hopeless.

A more realistic thought might be “I will be only dealing with them until our youngest child turns eighteen" or "I'm feeling angry right now, but my feelings will rise up and fall like a wave."

An even more empowering thought would be “Regardless of how long I have to put up with this, I can do it. In the past, I would have answered their email. In the present, I’m learning to ignore them. And in the future, ignoring them will get easier and easier.”

·        Avoid using labels like jerk, loser, a-hole, or any kind of profanity. I say this not because I’m opposed to profanity, but because using labels tends to encourage feelings, rather than strengthen thoughts.

Instead of using labels, describe the behavior. In this example, imagine how you’d feel after saying “They are such a loser!” Chances are, this statement is likely to leave you feeling angry and powerless. After all, what right does this loser have to harass you like this?

Now imagine how you’d feel after saying “They’re an emotional 4-year-old who’s using displacement because they feel out of control after losing the court case.” Here, you’re more likely to observe that they’re emailing you because they want power and control, and they can’t have it. It’s easier to shrug off their behavior, and continue ignoring them!

Depending on your childhood experiences, you may find it difficult or impossible to follow through on these steps until you unpack thoughts and feelings from childhood. In particular, if you have a moving toward or moving away personality type, it may be difficult for you to care more about your thoughts and feelings than everyone else’s.

If so, your unique life story has probably played a role in why it’s hard for you to have healthy giving and receiving boundaries. If the people who raised you didn’t affirm your thoughts and feelings, you may have learned to discount your thoughts and feelings, and find it hard to be assertive in setting boundaries.

If you find it hard to stay in emotional balance when setting and enforcing your boundaries, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. It is possible to heal from childhood hurts, and learn how to stay in emotional balance when someone you know is using narcissistic tools!

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