How to Deal with Logical Fallacies in Narcissism Recovery

Dictionaries define manipulation as influencing or controlling someone in an underhanded way. If you’re in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, chances are good you’re on the receiving end of manipulative behavior on a regular. This is because people with narcissistic traits are self-centered, have an unhealthy need for power and control, and believe they’re entitled to get what they want, when they want it, because they want it.

So, they use a wide range of tools to make that happen. We’ve talked before about “I forgot,” King (or Queen) Baby, denial, gaslighting, projection, and displacement.

Today we’re going to take a look at a different kind of tool that you’ll see often if you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits—logical fallacies. There are dozens of logical fallacies, but fortunately, people with narcissistic traits tend to use just a few.  

Why learn how to deal with logical fallacies? First, noticing and describing what’s happening will help you stay in your thinking brain. When you’re thinking, you’re far more likely to do what you think you should do, rather than what you feel like doing.

And while you’re in your thinking brain, it’s far easier for you to see what’s happening as something that’s happening to you, not because of you. This is a critical distinction for those of us who have a parent with narcissistic traits. Children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ behavior as a way to manage trauma. If you blamed yourself for your narcissistic parent's behavior, it’s easy to slip back into the habit of seeing it as happening because of you in adulthood.

Once you blame yourself for what’s happening, you’ll probably respond using an acute stress response. If you’re primarily a moving toward personality type, you’re likely to compensate by being nicer (fawning). If you’re primarily a moving away personality type, you will probably distance yourself from the person or the situation. (If you’re primarily a moving against, you’re likely to fight back!)

Fawning and fleeing are usually not as effective as staying calm, separate, and assertive. So, which logical fallacies are you likely to hear? Let’s take a look!

Red herring is an attempt to change the subject. A common example of a red herring is when you confront your person with narcissistic traits about a behavior they're engaging in that you don't like. Instead of being open to discussing a solution, they say, “Well, maybe I do that, but you do this!”

Red herrings can be the foundation for other narcissistic tools. Cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking can be built into red herrings by saying you “always do this!” and they “never complain about it.” Gaslighting can be built into this, too. If they're accusing you of something you don’t think you do, you may find yourself questioning reality.

Ad hominem is another common logical fallacy often used by people with narcissistic traits. In this fallacy, when they realize they can’t win the argument on logic, they resort to personal insults, like “What do you know? You never graduated college,” or using name-calling or profanity.

While not a logical fallacy, you may also hear what I call a reverse ad hominem, where instead of insulting you, unreasonable expectations are placed on you. “You’re the oldest, you need to set a good example for your siblings” is a classic example. Your role isn’t to raise your siblings—that’s your parent’s responsibility!

In adult relationships, you may hear “You have more education than me, so you should be making more money” or “Sure, we have the same job, but you’ve been working here longer, so you should be doing more of the work.”

Moving the goalposts, an oft-discussed topic on the ‘net in narcissism recovery, is a logical fallacy. In debate, this fallacy is used to demand greater evidence for a proof.

In parent-child relationships, this looks like a parent withholding approval, affection, or a reward until the child accomplishes something—straight As, babysitting siblings, being chosen for football or cheerleading, getting a job and paying toward the family bills. But when the child is successful, the parent denies the approval, affection, or reward, and instead, sets up a new goal for the child.

In both parent-child and adult relationships, this can also look like the person with narcissistic traits claiming they will follow through on a promise after something happens—after the holiday season, after you start working full-time, after you sign a contract with a client, etc. But once the deadline passes or you accomplish the goal, the goalposts move.

Often, this is accompanied by what may seem like a good reason, rather than an excuse. Ultimately, though, moving the goalposts is grounded in the narcissistic tendency to see others as useful objects, rather than as separate people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Argument from ignorance/Appeal to ignorance is another common logical fallacy in narcissistic thinking. Argument from ignorance is when someone argues that because you can’t prove they’re wrong, they must be right.

Some examples of argument from ignorance include “I didn’t feed the kids lunch, because they didn’t say they were hungry,” or “Well, you would have done the same thing if you’d been in the same situation!” or “You didn’t tell me to wash the dishes after the kids and I had dinner, so how was I supposed to know you wanted me to?”

This logical fallacy is a tricky one, for the same reason it can be challenging when a person with narcissistic traits excuses their behavior by saying “I forgot.” We all have times when we don’t know something, in the same way we all forget things.

Happily, knowing whether you're dealing with a logical fallacy or not is simple. The concern isn’t that you didn’t tell them to feed the kids lunch, what you’d do in that situation, or that you didn’t tell them to wash the dishes. Your concern is, Do they care about how you feel? Do they regret how they acted, and are they willing to make things right?

If someone genuinely made a mistake, they'll take accountability for it, apologize, and make it right. If you’re in relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, they don’t care about how you feel about what they did or didn’t do. Instead of regretting their behavior, they justify it by saying that you can’t prove they’re wrong, so they must be right.

And finally, you may find it interesting to know that projection is also considered a logical fallacy, called psychologist’s fallacy. A good example of psychologist’s fallacy is “One of my children turned out terrible, but I raised all of my children the same way I was raised, and I turned out fine. They should have all turned out well. It’s that child’s fault they didn’t turn out well.”

Here, the presumption is that because they believe the way they were raised was appropriate, they can project this on to all children. Obviously, this is far from true. In parenting, this self-centered extrapolation allows the parent with narcissistic traits to justify doing what they want, when they want, because they want to do it.

As with the other logical fallacies, the sheer illogic presented can be emotionally overwhelming. Remembering that it feels illogical because it’s a logical fallacy can keep you from slipping into your feelings brain, and engaging in an argument with an emotional 4-year-old.

(On a side note, this is a statement I heard many times as a parent educator. Every time I inquired further into how the children were raised, the parent verbalized narcissistic traits, and the child who was raised “the same way” was the family scapegoat.)

Now that you can identify the various fallacies, the second step is to expect them! If you’re a moving toward, you want others to like you, and you want to like others. If you're a moving away, you avoid conflict. It’s not in your nature to use logical fallacies, as they don’t create cooperation or harmony. You probably don't expect others to use them, either.

If you're in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, however, you can expect them to be an emotional 4-year-old whenever they get emotionally overwhelmed. You may not always be able to predict what will trigger them, and there's no sense in trying to do so. It makes more sense to simply expect to be on the lookout for narcissistic tools, including logical fallacies.

Once you identify a logical fallacy, it's critical that you avoid JADEing--justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining. Once you start JADEing, the person with narcissistic traits has you off-topic. That’s exactly where they want you to be!

Instead, know that once you hear a red herring, chances are good the person you’re talking to is in their feelings brain. If they’re a person with narcissistic traits, remember that they’re an emotional child. You won’t get any further justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining to a person with narcissistic traits once they’re in their feelings brain than you would doing so with a 4-year-old.

So, skip the frustration. If the person with narcissistic traits is using a red herring, ad hominem attack, or moving the goalposts, calmly point it out and use the assertive communication skill of broken record (i.e., calmly repeating your original point).

Argument from ignorance is such an illogical perspective it’s especially crazy-making, and it’s incredibly easy to fall into JADEing in response to it. After all, they should care about whether the kids were hungry, how you’d actually feel in that situation, or that the dishes didn’t get done. They’re a grown-up, just like you!

If you focus on how things should be, rather than how things actually are, you’ll fall right into this logical fallacy. Should they be an emotional adult? Of course. But whether you refer to it as argument from, or appeal to, the word “ignorance” should remind you that you’re actually dealing with an emotional 4-year-old.

Here, your response is to determine if the person is actually regretful, or is using argument from ignorance. Are they willing to take accountability? If not, it's argument from ignorance. How you handle this logical fallacy will vary, depending on what happened. Ultimately, as with the other fallacies, you'll need to be assertive, while staying in your circle of control.

Of course, these are general suggestions for dealing with narcissistic manipulation tactics. If you need personalized support, I encourage you to work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism recovery. You deserve health and happiness!

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